The 3rd Time I Became Depressed
I’ve been depressed after break-ups many times, where time slowly healed my wounds. This break-up also sent me into a depression. But this time, I found energy tools that changed everything. I came out of this break-up with hope, and the ability to envision a new future for my life.
The relationship was unremarkable on the levels that counted on the surface — it only lasted a few months, we weren’t exclusive, we had never had a talk about the future.
The end came out of an honest conversation, the kind I was learning to have but still scared me at 34. I was the one who brought it up, who told him I was feeling anxious about my upcoming 35th birthday because I wanted marriage and kids. That I was ready for both.
He had recently ended a long relationship. He didn’t know if he was ready to have another relationship, let alone discuss marriage. He didn’t know about kids. So, I took a deep breath, and crushed my own heart. I ended it. I knew I had to move on.
Everything else in my life appeared to be going well. I had changed careers and was teaching yoga full-time. I was working for my yoga teacher’s company, and traveling for teacher trainings. I was juggling my fitness column for The Seattle Times. I was challenging myself on every level, at least with my career.
What I wanted most was a partner. I wanted to know who I would spend my life with. I had hoped it would be him. For a day after the break-up, I was proud of myself for ending the relationship, for standing firm in what I wanted.
And then, I collapsed. I had spent the previous three years in yoga teacher trainings challenging myself to change my story, to learn to stand in front of a room of people and let people see me, to learn to use my voice, to leave the security of a job at The Seattle Times, to organize a conference, to learn to take feedback consistently.
When it came to the end of the relationship, I couldn’t break through my story. I cried on the phone with my friend Andrew. We tried to work me through every lie I had — I am alone; I am unwanted; I will never be loved again; I won’t find someone who wants to marry me; something was wrong with me. I knew in my mind these statements weren’t true, but they felt true in my body. I was lonely, depressed, heart-broken.
I knew I needed help. I decided to attend an advanced yoga training, where Susanne Conrad — founder of Lightyear Leadership, then Igolu, and a woman with a spark like I had never seen before — would be co-facilitating.
Susanne introduced language and ideas I had never heard before, principles I could use to manage my energy every day. Until then, my main practices were yoga and meditation, noticing my thoughts and doing work to shift my thoughts. I realized she had more tools I needed, like music, dancing, and energy work.
A few days in, I went up to her to ask her a question. I can’t remember my original question. She took my left hand.
“Are you married?”
Flustered, I answered no.
“Do you want to be?” she asked, smiling.
“Yes,” I said, haltingly, while thinking, “Who is this woman?”
“Let’s go find you one!” she said, and moved on.
Was it that easy? Could I just go find one?
I can tell you now that it is. During that week, I mapped out a project to meet my husband; I met him not long after. I learned energy work that cleared my past experiences in relationships, and let me know I would be loved again. I learned work that gave me the confidence and faith to move forward to marry my husband. I developed a relationship with God. The energy tools are the work I used to navigate a challenge that shook me in ways I never imagined (see next post). Instead of sinking into months of depression, the tools helped me recover and return to my center.
This break-up taught me I can recover from depression, that there are energy tools out there to help me pick myself up again, and that I can feel hope and envision a future.
Next up: How the energy tools I learned helped me navigate the biggest challenge I have ever faced.
Do you want to know more about how you can clear your past, trust yourself again and know you have a future? Schedule a free discovery call here.