What to Do When You’re Passed Over for Promotion

• Overcoming promotion pass-over   (03:07)
• Finding power within, not without  (05:51)
• Loving your career as it is right now (07:17) 
• Finding growth on the path you are on (08:59)

QUOTES: 

Asian “culture teaches you from a young age that your power is outside of yourself….so when you don’t get promoted, what happens? You crash and burn. You lose sight of who you are. You don’t even know who you are because it’s all wrapped up in climbing the ladder.”

“We often do not know why things happen the way that we do. And our human brains get really hung up on this. We want to know exactly why, but it’s important for you to understand — you don’t know why, and you will EVENTUALLY see why.”

“I have never liked any of the many breakdowns I’ve had over the years. And everything important I have ever learned about myself has come from a breakdown.”

“Being passed over for promotion can be particularly difficult, especially if someone else around you got the promotion and doesn’t really seem like they’re any more qualified than you and might in fact even feel like they’re less qualified, doing less work than you.”

“And then they still got the job and the raise, and you were like, what the hell? Like what is going on here? And you might go into the space where you’re like, what’s the point? Like, why am I working so hard? Why do I even do this job?”

“I was crying, honestly, daily for a little while, and I felt pretty hopeless, like, I don’t know what’s possible for me.”

“There’s an emphasis on education, success and family honor, like the collective, the whole, and everyone being proud of you.”

“You will see exactly why you are in the place you are in right now in your life. You will see why you have been challenged the way you’ve been challenged. Because you are being asked to step into a different level of who you are.”

“Choose to love your career exactly as it is right now and all the steps that have brought you to where you are right now. And then choose to love that you will continue, continue to learn more and more about yourself in this journey and this direction that you’re going.”

NICOLE

Hello, friends. I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is the School of Self-Worth. Welcome back. Today, we get to talk about a topic that can sting, truly, especially when you feel like you’ve done everything you’re supposed to. This one is particularly relevant for any high-achieving woman, but especially for Asian American corporate leaders who have struggled to get recognized and to truly own their authority at work. I’m going to share a tool that has made a huge difference for me and so many of my clients, so stay tuned for that. 

Before we get started, if you are a high-achieving Asian American corporate leader who’s been passed over for promotion and wants to nail the next promotion cycle, DM me “promotion” at @NicoleTsong on Instagram, and I’ve got something for you over there. 

Okay, friends, let’s dig into this juicy conversation. Hi, everyone. Today, we are looking at a topic that can really hurt. This one can go to the heart of everything about who you are and how you feel about your life, and that is that moment when you are passed over for promotion. We can also fill in the blank here for other challenging moments, like when you didn’t get the job or when someone broke up with you, etc. But being passed over for promotion can be particularly difficult, especially if someone around you got the promotion and it doesn’t really seem like they’re any more qualified than you and might, in fact, even feel like they’re less qualified, doing less work than you. And then they still got the job and the raise. You might wonder, “What the hell? What is going on here?” 

You might enter a space where you’re asking, “What’s the point? Why am I working so hard? Why do I even do this job?” You’re putting all your energy into this; you give it your all. You execute incredible work, yet they are not paying attention to you. They’re not even noticing you. They’re not giving you the acknowledgment with the raise and the promotion. Not only might you feel super frustrated every day at work, losing all motivation because you didn’t get the promotion, but deeper down, you might start to wonder if there is something wrong with you—that you might never actually have the skills, the abilities, or the leadership qualities they are looking for. You might think that maybe you don’t actually have the “it” factor that would qualify you for that next level of director or VP and that you could potentially be stuck where you are forever. 

I’ve heard it from so many women I talk to about the “Get Paid for Your Passion” method, who don’t even know if they’ll ever “cut it,” no matter what they do, how hard they work, or how many trainings they take. That is a dark place to exist, and I have been there myself as well. Years ago, when I was really desperate to leave the newspaper, they were going through layoffs, and I was just over that career. I really wanted to change, but I didn’t know what to do. I had applied to a bazillion different jobs and was actually a finalist for one that felt, at the time, like it would be a dream job. It felt so perfect, and I was really excited about it. Everything about it felt aligned. 

However, the other finalist was one of my dear friends, who might even be listening here. We are still friends today. I was really stressed about what would happen if I got it and she didn’t. While I wanted her to be happy, I wanted the job more. Then the other thing happened: she got the job. I tried to be happy for her, but man, I was in a really dark place at that time. Losing that job sent me into a downward spiral that took me literally months to recover from. I was crying daily for a little while, and I felt pretty hopeless. I didn’t know what was possible for me; I couldn’t see any other way out of a job that I hated, and I didn’t really have any direction on where I wanted to go. 

Before we get into what happened after that, I want to talk first about why that spiral occurred. I know many of you might be in that place. You might be in that spiral where you got passed over and you’re just like, “I don’t even really know what to do.” You’ve lost motivation, and you’re not really sure why you’re even doing the job you’re in. So first, my question for you is, why are you letting a promotion determine how you feel? This is the heart of what we talk about here on the School of Self-Worth, but it is such a big issue for Asian American women. A lot of that comes from the culture we grew up with. There’s an emphasis on education, success, and family honor—the collective, the whole, and everyone being proud of you. 

Then there’s this facade where you’re supposed to be very humble—modest and not bragging—while you’re definitely working harder than everybody else. When you have this cultural background, it can feel especially humiliating when you don’t get the promotion because your family is asking you about it. Everyone’s talking about it; they can’t wait to brag about you. Even though you don’t brag about yourself, your family will definitely brag about you. This background and culture also teach you from a young age that your power is outside of yourself. Your power comes from the school you go to, the success in your job, and is connected to how much money you’re making. That’s why there’s so much emphasis on the kind of career you’re choosing and your accomplishments. 

But what it actually teaches you is to give your power and self-worth away to external things like your job, your promotions, your success, and your salary. So when you don’t get promoted, what happens? You crash and burn. You lose sight of who you are. You don’t even know who you are because it’s all wrapped up in climbing the ladder and doing things. You are also probably highly successful in every other measure, and people are like, “What’s wrong with you? Why are you upset? You’re so successful. You’re so smart. You’re doing things so much faster than everybody else,” but you cannot see that. 

So we’re here to address that part of it. Here is a really simple hack to get yourself out of that spiral, which is an important place for you to move out of. Now, before I get into it, a warning: this one is not easy. All of my clients work on this in the “Get Paid for Your Passion” method. It is a major block that keeps them from progressing at work, and it can be really tough to get your mind around. It is essential for you to get back on track and to really understand who you are, to move forward in a powerful way in your career and in your life. 

So here it is: you’re going to love exactly where you are in your career right now. You’re not going to wish that you got the promotion or that the other person didn’t get the promotion. You’re not going to wish that your life is any different—that you have a different job, a different boss, a different leadership team, or a different personal life. You’re not going to wish any of those moving parts of your life to be anything except where they are right now. 

Let me take you back to that moment when I was crying every day because I didn’t get that job. Looking back, I am so grateful I did not get that job. If I had gotten that job, I would never have done so many things that I have done since then. After that happened, I kept looking around, feeling disheartened by the job opportunities, so I decided to go to yoga teacher training. At the time, I really didn’t think I was going to be a yoga teacher, but I decided to go. That yoga teacher training changed my life. It put me on the pathway of personal development and growth. It allowed me to learn to lead my life powerfully, to speak in front of people, and to own my voice in a totally different way. Ultimately, everything I did from that moment has led me to be right here, in this particular moment, talking to all of you on my podcast, The School of Self-Worth. 

I would not give up for anything all of those lessons I have learned and everything I have gone through since that point in my career. It’s led me to write three books and to have this incredible business with so many amazing clients. The other day, I ran into an old student who said to me, “Nicole, I’ve been thinking about you.” Mind you, I have not taught a yoga class in more than two years now. She said, “Nicole, I was thinking about you because whenever I’ve been going through hard times, I always think, ‘But I can do 10 wheels.'” I used to teach a lot of wheels when I taught yoga, for any of my yoga students listening. It made me laugh; I was like, “Wow, I really made an impact on her life.” I taught her how powerful and strong she is, and she’s still resonating with that message today. None of that would have happened if I had gotten that job. 

We often do not know why things happen the way they do, and our human brains get really hung up on this. We want to know exactly why. But it’s important for you to understand that you don’t know why, and you will eventually see why. It is so important for you to start to see your life in that direction—that you don’t know why, and there will be something important for you to see and learn here. The truth is, you are always creating your reality, and you are exactly where you need to be to learn what you need to learn. 

You might be like, “Oh my God, Nicole, I don’t want to learn anything. I just want the job or I just want the promotion.” I know. But I will say, nobody likes being in a breakdown. I have never liked any of the many breakdowns I’ve had over the years. Everything important I have ever learned about myself has come from a breakdown. In that moment when I didn’t get that job, I had to pick myself back up. I had to really ask myself, “What am I passionate about? What do I want to do? What’s calling me?” Going to that yoga teacher training was a very early intuitive hit. I started to think, “How could I have a life and a career that feels fun and different?” 

I’m not saying that you all need to leave your jobs, but I’m telling you this story so that you can understand that whatever lesson is in there for you will show itself at some point. Will it show itself today? Will it show itself in six months, in a year, in five years? We don’t know. Eventually, you will see exactly why you did not get that promotion. You will see exactly why you are in the place you are in right now in your life. You will see why you have been challenged the way you’ve been challenged because you are being asked to step into a different level of who you are. 

Again, that’s not an easy request. It’s not easy to rise up into being a different level of ourselves. I know for myself, every time I have been asked to do that, it is worth it—100% worth it. So, when you’re going into a challenging mental space, it’s so important to be like, “Okay, I don’t know why I’m learning this right now, and there is something here for me to see.” If you can keep being curious about what it is time for you to see and learn, I promise you’re going to get something so interesting out of it that will expand you, help you grow, and bring you to that next level of your life. 

So today, it really is time for you to choose. Choose to love your career exactly as it is right now and all the steps that have brought you to where you are. Then choose to love that you will continue to learn more and more about yourself on this journey and the direction you are going. That is how you will no longer feel helpless or out of control. 

Okay, friends, I would love to know what you got from this episode. Please share your thoughts and DM me at @NicoleTsong on Instagram, or screenshot this and share it with a friend so they can tune into all of what we’re talking about and the conversations we’re having here on the podcast. If you are a high-achieving Asian American corporate leader who’s been passed over for promotion and you really want to nail the next promotion cycle, DM me “promoted” on Instagram at @NicoleTsong, and I’ve got something for you over there.

Thank you so much, friends! I can’t wait to see you again next week.