Why Your Brain Stifles Your Voice

• You no longer need to wait for everyone else to speak before you voice your ideas (5:58) 
• How group harmony can quash your voice (06:42)
• Reprogram your brain to speak with your authentic voice (07:38)
• Practicing how to speak up (10:12)

QUOTES: 

“Asian American kids usually grow up learning that group harmony is more important than the individual, and you were supposed to prioritize everybody else other than yourself. And the way you contributed was by working really hard in school, getting good grades, making your parents proud, choosing a college and a career that they approved of.”

“Your brain is capable of changing the programming so you can speak with your authentic voice. You just need to give your brain the right association, and you need to teach it that you do have something to say and that it is safe to say it out loud.”

“I know when I started practicing [stating preferences}, it was such a leap in my mind.”

NICOLE

Hello, friends. Welcome back to the School of Self-Worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong. So I’m dipping in today for a quick mini episode about a topic that is so relevant and challenging, I find, for Asian American corporate women, and that is: Why your brain stifles your voice. Notice my use of the word ‘your brain’, because this is actually a learned pattern and behavior, and the more you can do to excavate why exactly your brain is holding you back in this area of your life, the faster you’ll get the promotion and the life of your dreams. So that’s today’s topic.

I’m so excited to dig in, because we’ll be sharing a really simple technique to help you start to move out of this pattern. Also, if you’re an Asian American corporate woman who wants to master her emotions so she can manifest her promotion in the life of her dreams, dm me dream @NicoleTsong on Instagram, because I have got something for you. All right, let’s dig into today’s conversation.

Welcome to the School of Self-Worth, a podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we get on the right side of your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong, an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a best-selling author of three books and work/life balance expert, helping ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfillment and radical joy. Every single week, I will bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life who share insight about what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic every day, every episode is thoughtfully designed to leave you feeling empowered with tangible tips and advice that will lead you to your next breakthrough.

So if you had a meeting recently at work where you are beating yourself up for not saying what you really wanted to vocalize in that meeting, there’s a few things that are going on here, and so I’ll be sharing a strategy today that I teach my clients about owning their voice, and it’s one that continues to be one of my favorites, because it is so effective and one that I really had to practice for myself. But let’s talk first about why you stifle your voice. More specifically, why your brain stifles your voice. So, Asian American kids usually grow up learning that group harmony is more important than the individual, and you were supposed to prioritize everybody else other than yourself. That included your grandparents and your parents and your siblings and your neighbors and your friends and your teachers, like all the people who are in your community, so you probably tried to show that you were participating in this by showing your value contributing. And the way you contributed was by working really hard in school, getting good grades, making your parents proud, choosing a college and a career that they approved of. And I remember when I was in the teenage years and trying to figure out what I wanted to do, and I went on a dinosaur dig in Utah, which I don’t think I’ve ever shared before on the podcast.

I went and I dug up a raptor near Arches National park in Utah. It was like this really epic experience, and then got super obsessed with dinosaurs. So I wanted to go to Berkeley to study, basically rocks, right? To study geology. My dad was like, ‘No, this is not a practical career. You cannot do the study of rocks from the past.’  I was like, all right, fine. So I went off to college, and I’m like, looking around, what am I interested in? Then my next option was, I want to study classics, because it was still archaeology, it was still knowing the history all of these things. But he was also ‘no’ for that one, and I think it’s so funny now, him saying no to those things. So when I decided to be a comparative literature major and a journalist, that sounded so much better and was such an improvement for him.

But that was my experience about looking at how I wanted to make sure group harmony was above myself. I had these interests, but I was much more into making sure that I had my parents approval, that everybody was going to be okay. That people would be like, oh, Nicole is doing something that “ fits the mold” for interesting, lucrative, (although journalism is not lucrative), but something that feels prestigious enough in society. So, you know, basically you might have had a very similar experience where the group is more important than your individual desires. This is the setup for all of us when we’re kids and get into high school age, and then you go into corporate America. Corporate America loves this pattern, because now you are putting your work, your self-worth, fully into your job, and you’re putting all of that ahead of your own individual desires, which means you probably work harder. You work a lot of hours, maybe 50, 60, 70 hours a week, and you’re just always grinding and you’re always taking on new, difficult projects.

With your focus on work all the time, that just feeds right into the machine that you’re in when you have a corporate job. So what happened with the group harmony, is it created a program where you deferred your desires; everybody else’s desires were more important than your own. So how does this look in real life? You go into a meeting, and you let everybody else talk first. It doesn’t mean you’re going in intending not to say anything, but you’re just making sure everybody else gets their say before you chime in. If you do chime in at the end, after letting everybody else present their opinions and ideas, what happens? All of a sudden, the meeting is over, the time is up, and you haven’t said anything. I know I had this pattern for a very long time, and I had to learn to shift it. With what? With the technique I’m going to teach you today. It also could look like perhaps you’ve gotten over that part and you are good at speaking up, or you’re good at trying to jump right in, but you still water down what you really want to say. Why? You might have a brilliant idea or question, but you don’t want to derail the conversation. Because again, group harmony first. So you invert offer a version of it, rather than your true thoughts.

If this is resonating with you, let me know. Send me a note on Instagram @ NicoleTsong. I feel like it’s important for us to understand these cultural negative habits that can be blocking our capacity and ability to move and elevate in our jobs. And then what can happen after this meeting is over, you beat yourself up for not saying what you think, or not even chiming up to begin with, or you danced around what you really thought in that meeting, and instead watered yourself down in some way. All of this is contributing to you feeling like you’re not speaking authentically in work, whether it’s from who you are, understanding who you are, or speaking in a way that feels powerful for you.

The cool news is that your brain is capable of changing the programming so you can speak with your authentic voice. You just need to give your brain the right association, and you need to teach it that you do have something to say and that it is safe to say it out loud. The best way to do this is to start by associating speaking up with something that you care about. So I’m going to use food as the example, because I’m obsessed with food. It is my Chinese side. I’m always thinking about my next meal. Sometimes I actually defer when it comes to food. This is a way to combine something that you might already care about, with something that’s a simple, easy practice.

The first key step for this is identifying what you would want to eat when you’re going out with a friend. So it’s important to understand that this is not about what you might be making at home. If you’re anything like me, you think about this all the time and you always have a plan. This is when you’re engaging with somebody else whose opinion is going to come into play. So you’re making a plan with a friend, and if you’re the person who always says, “whatever you want to eat,” that’s a sign that you are deferring.

Now I know you. You probably actually have a preference. Like there’s some restaurants you’ve been thinking about, or there’s somewhere you’ve really been wanting to go, or you’re just having a craving, but you’re instead saying, “Whatever you want, is fine.” So those are the key words. If that’s happening, this is your practice to start identifying what you actually want – you’re not going to say that to your friend. You’re going to first identify what you want, and then the next step will be that you’re going to say it to your friend. So when you guys are making plans, you are just, on your own, going to say, “I am so excited to check out that new spot just opened up in this neighborhood. What do you think?”  You’re stating your position. You’re being powerful in your position and you’re leaving it open to see what they say, because this is not a dictatorship. You’re just practicing stating your preferences to someone else, and then you’re just going to see what they say.

When I started practicing this, it was such a leap in my mind because I found that people almost always were good with it.  I would say, I want to do this, I want to go eat these dumplings. And they’d say ‘great!’, versus pushing back, because I used to worry that if I stated what I wanted, it would create discomfort or an argument or some kind of stress in the relationship. But I actually found that people don’t mind. They are open to whatever you have to say. So this practice, once you start to do it consistently in your personal life, shows and teaches you that you actually have something to say that’s true to you in your work life, and you have to practice it, to stop deferring to others. So stop deferring to others in your personal life, with your friends when you’re going out for food. And stop deferring in your work environment. You’re doing this by associating saying what you want in a safe situation, where you’re working with your friends. No-one is reactive, no-one is upset when you say what you want to eat. And then you move it to the work environment where people might push back a little bit. But you have now taught your brain that it is safe for you to speak what you think.

It is a seriously valuable way to give up the program that’s keeping you from sharing yourself fully at work and in your life. It’s super simple, but it’s something that you really need to dial into. The way to make sure this is fully on board for you, is to have some accountability, so do this for your next meal out with a friend,  then dm me on Instagram as to what you said, so we know what kind of meal you’re going to have. I love hearing about food, so I always want to hear about it, as well as the accountability that you actually did it.

Okay friends, I’m so grateful for this conversation. And if you’re an Asian American corporate woman who wants a safe space where you can master your emotions and feel less alone, dm me space on Instagram, I’ve got something there for you. All right, have the best day, eat the most delicious food and I’ll see you all next week.

Thank you so much for tuning into today’s episode. Before you go, don’t forget, if you are a high-achieving woman who wants to uncover your biggest blind spots preventing fast intuitive decisions, I’ve got a 72-second assessment for you, so make sure to dm me quiz @ NicoleTsong on Instagram and thank you for being here and for listening. We read every note that we get from you about how the podcast is making a difference in your life. Please know how much we appreciate each and every one of you. Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is the School of Self-Worth.