The Simple Way to Respond with Confidence at Work

• Unlearning the “quiet Asian” stereotype (5:58)
• Unorthodox ways to build confidence in a male-dominated industry (8:44)
• Maintaining your power in conversations (10:40)
• The art of pausing to be heard (16:04)

QUOTES: 

Most people “say what they want to say really fast to make it seem like they are smart and effective and really know the answers. The truth is, you’ll be more respected if you are someone who learns to pause.”

“The more essential you are with your language, the more powerful and impactful you will be. When you are giving people information they don’t need, they start to tune you out and they start to lose confidence and belief in you because you’re giving them more than they want.”

“Stop letting your voice rise at the end of every sentence, so that when you’re talking, you’re always letting it go up into a question mark. And then people start to wonder if maybe you don’t know what you’re talking about. So notice if you’re constantly doing that little rise up at the end of your sentences and learn to bring it down and end with a period, with authority, with your point getting landed. It makes you sound young when your voice is constantly going up. Pay attention to how you’re using your language, your voice, as you’re speaking to people.”

Asian-American women are “taught to make sure everyone is good, that the whole, the collective is happy. And so advocating for yourself is kind of frowned upon. …. Know that your starting place is different from other people who struggle to be confident in advocating for themselves.”

NICOLE

Hello, friends. Welcome back to the School of Self-Worth. I am your host, Nicole Tsong. Today, we’re diving into a topic I get tons of questions about: how to respond with confidence at work. This is relevant to any high-achieving woman, but is especially important for Asian American women who struggle to own their voice in their jobs. I’m going to share some tools that have made a huge difference for me and my clients.

Before we get started, if you are an Asian American woman who wants to manifest a promotion in 60 days, work 20% fewer hours, and own your authentic voice, DM me “promotion” at Nicole Tsong on Instagram. I’ve got something for you over there.

Okay, friends, let’s dig into today’s conversation. Welcome to the School of Self-Worth, a podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we align with your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong, an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a bestselling author of three books and a work/life balance expert, helping ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfillment and radical joy.

Every week, I bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life. They share insights about what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic every day. Each episode is thoughtfully designed to leave you feeling empowered with tangible tips and advice leading to your next breakthrough.

Recently, I had the great honor of seeing Connie Chung. If you didn’t know, Connie has been on tour for her memoir. I got to see Connie Chung in August at the Asian American Journalists Association, and I loved her so much that I couldn’t wait for her book tour. I had already purchased tickets to her tour in Seattle, and I was super excited to hear her speak more because she is so powerful, funny, and vulnerable. She has all these incredible qualities.

One thing I noticed about her is how she spoke about developing her confidence and navigating being the only woman. Often it was just her and Barbara Walters, and she was also the only woman of color. Connie, when you see her, is tiny—like a tiny little person. She took on the attitude of succeeding by being like everyone else around her.

For those who don’t know, Connie Chung was an anchor at CBS and later moved to ABC. Growing up, she was the only Asian American woman I saw on TV. There’s an article in the New York Times about the generation of Asian American women named Connie after her. There’s also a video of Connie Chung meeting all these women named Connie, which she references in her book. It’s an incredible story.

Connie was in a different era when diversity wasn’t prioritized beyond hiring women. She had no mentors; her mentors were all men. She decided to act like the men—being boisterous, louder, more obnoxious, making ridiculous jokes, and marching around like she belonged.

It’s interesting to hear her talk about it, because it totally worked. She shocked them—they didn’t even know what to make of her when she told racy jokes. She did it without worrying about what others thought because she was so clear and ambitious about her goals. She wanted to anchor the CBS news and be in one of the most prestigious jobs in the news, which she achieved.

In the eighties, when she was anchoring the news, people really respected news anchors. There were only a few sources of news, so it was a totally different experience. Back then, she was the authority, the way people got information. I loved hearing her stories because she created confidence in herself through practice. She might not have felt confident all the time, but she had a strong sense of herself and what she wanted to do.

I know for myself, I’ve had to do a lot of work around feeling confident, speaking in public, sharing my story, and knowing who I am. I totally fit into the stereotype of the quiet Asian girl. I was that kid who never talked in class. I’ve shared this many times on the podcast, but for anyone new, I was so quiet all the way through college and the first stage of my career as a journalist. I never spoke up in meetings or for myself. I did advocate for myself a little, but not nearly as much as I do now. At the time, I really believed that was just who I was.

Over time, I discovered that I did have things to say. I actually had a voice. Once I learned how to use it, I could leverage it. Now, here I am on a podcast, having been on television many times and a speaker for major corporations. All of this comes from understanding how to be confident in myself and what I have to say.

So, let’s dig into a few simple tools to help you start speaking up and responding with confidence at work. It’s important to understand where you’re starting from. If you’re going to the grocery store, you need to know if you’re starting from home, a friend’s house, or another store. Similarly, if you’re starting from a quiet space, it’s important to understand and own that. If you’re someone who’s loud, own that too. Identify your starting point and what might be getting in the way of your confidence and ability to advocate for yourself.

Many of my Asian American clients and women struggle with advocating for themselves because they grew up in families where that wasn’t encouraged. You’re taught to ensure everyone is good and the collective is happy. Advocating for yourself is frowned upon, looked down on, or even punished. You might not have learned it at home, but now you live in America, where self-advocacy is expected. I call it the cultural tug of war, and it might be a big reason your starting place is different from others who struggle with confidence.

The most important thing to understand about confidence is the word itself and its root.  If you look at the word “confidence,” in the middle it has “fide,” which is Latin for “faith.” Speaking with confidence comes from having faith in what you’re saying. If you don’t have faith in what you’re saying or can’t articulate it well, you’ll struggle. You need to have faith in both what you’re saying and the way you’re saying it for it to come across as confident.

The biggest block I see is that many women second guess themselves. They second guess what they’re saying, and that is not a confident move. When you question or doubt yourself, it shows. People won’t feel confident in what you’re saying either. If you’re making a recommendation at work or discussing something complicated without confidence, people will push back and make you backup your points.

When you doubt yourself, you invite that energy of second guessing. The law of attraction means you’ll find evidence that you’re not making the right choice. To respond with more confidence, you need to counter second guessing. This habit might stem from being compared to other kids or facing high standards from immigrant families. It can get ingrained when you’re young.

The first step to counter it is to learn the power of silence. Learn to pause and be silent before you respond. Many people trip over themselves trying to say things quickly to seem smart and effective. But the truth is, you’ll be more respected if you learn to pause. Look at effective leaders – they pause all the time. It’s really amazing.

Orators always pause, leaving space for themselves and their audience to connect, tune in, and be present. Learn to pause first, and calm your nervous system by taking a breath in and out. Taking a cycle of breath before you respond will help you respond with more confidence.

Next, learn where your voice is coming from. When I was teaching yoga, I noticed many people spoke from their throat and would lose their voice. You need to bring your voice down into your belly. Here’s a simple technique: say “hum” and notice if it starts in your throat. If it does, go “hum” again and drop it so you feel the vibration of your voice going down to your belly. Once you’re speaking from your belly, it brings more authority to what you’re saying.

When you speak from your throat, your voice sounds higher and might include questioning tones. When you bring your voice into your belly, people can feel a deeper resonance. Subconsciously, they’ll sense a shift. Another important tip: stop letting your voice rise at the end of every sentence. That rise turns statements into questions, making people doubt if you know what you’re talking about. Learn to end with a period, with authority, and make your point clearly.  When you do this, it makes a big difference. Speaking with a voice that constantly goes up makes you sound young, so get present and pay attention to how you’re using your language and voice.

Now, the final piece of speaking with more confidence at work: stop over-explaining. Many people over-explain simple things. When you over-explain, you start to justify and defend, which isn’t helpful in a work environment. If someone asks a question, they want an answer—whether it’s a yes or no, or a suggestion for a project. They don’t need to hear all the pathways that led to your answer. They want the end result.

If they have questions, they might ask why you chose one option over another, and then you can provide more details. But if you constantly explain everything, your bosses do not want to hear it. As a boss, I’m interested in the conclusion, not the backend pieces. When you always explain, people might edge away from the conversation, look impatient, or wait for you to get to the point. Get to the point quickly and tell them the answer they’re looking for.

If it’s a yes or no question, simply say yes or no. If someone’s asking if you’re available, they don’t need to know why you’re not—they just want to know if you are or aren’t. Provide a simple answer, and if they want more details, they’ll ask for a follow-up conversation.

The more concise you are with your language, the more powerful and impactful you’ll be. When you give people unnecessary information, they start to tune you out and lose confidence in you. Their minds are already full of other information, and you don’t want to add to that.

So, learn to pause, reel it in, and be essential with your responses. When you’re over-explaining, you’re giving your power away by asking for approval and justifying your conclusions. If someone asks about your availability, just tell them without justification. This is about retaining your power. When you’re questioning your voice or not pausing, you’re giving your power to the other person. We want you to retain your power within yourself because that’s when you speak and respond with deep confidence.

If this resonates with you, please let me know. DM me on Instagram or screenshot this and share your insights. I love hearing from you and knowing what’s landing with you. Before we go, if you’re an Asian American woman who wants to manifest a promotion in 60 days while working 20% fewer hours, DM me “promotion” on Instagram, and let’s chat.

Alright friends, thank you so much for joining me today. I’m so grateful for all of you who listen, and I’ll see you next week. Thank you for tuning into today’s episode. Before you go, don’t forget, if you’re a high-achieving woman who wants to uncover your biggest blind spots preventing fast intuitive decisions, I’ve got a 72-second assessment for you. DM me “quiz” on Instagram.

Thank you for being here and for listening. We read every note about how the podcast is making a difference in your life. We appreciate each and every one of you. Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is the School of Self-Worth.