Do you struggle with being decisive, and not only that, feeling confident about decisions once you make them?
But this episode is all about what is REALLY happening when you hem and haw over a decision, and second-guess yourself.
Join Nicole in this minisode as she talks about her own experience with indecision, and how she stepped into a powerful place around decision-making.
“And it might seem so small, but this is in fact something really big. Like every time you can’t decide on your next trip or how you’re going to work out childcare combined with your work situation, and you’re asking everybody else what they think and you’re worrying about what they might think. That is you giving your power and decision making process to other people who can’t make those decisions for you and might have an opinion, but they’re not the ones who are going to have to live with the consequences of whatever you decide. And so when you’re constantly giving your power away, that’s why it feels so bad inside. It’s why we feel stressed about it and anxious, and it really eats away at you on the inside.”
“ Indecision is giving your power away. You are letting indecision actually steal your wholeness, your power, and your trust and capacity in yourself to make a decision.”
“So when you are in that indecision, it takes you out of having to be in your life. That is also the way it takes you out of your power. You just don’t have to live your life because you don’t have to actually say, yes, I’m going to go do that, or, no, I’m not going to do that. But it’s such a trickling, a constant trickle of your power, just like leaking, leaking, leaking all the time that we don’t even recognize or see that that is what is going on. And so learning to make powerful decisions is so important and what can happen, too. So learning to make the powerful decisions is super important”
“The way I trust my decisions the most, is I actually really make sure that they are intuitive ones. I listen in and my intuition guides me and I trust that it’s taking me in the right direction, even if I’m not really sure where it’s going. Sometimes your intuition is just going to give you that next right step. And so your job is to say, okay, I’m just going to follow this next right step. And so when we get really systematized about all of this and we start to understand how to make powerful decisions, it makes such a difference in your life. You have so much more time and space.”
“Decision, to me, means action. So once we make a decision now, we’re prompted to take action, and that action is going to give you so much useful information, information that I find to be really necessary to understand what’s happening in life, because sometimes we actually can’t really figure out what’s next until we just do the next thing. And that action shows you what to do next. But until you take that action, you’re not going to know.”
NICOLE
Hi, friends. Welcome back to the School of Self-Worth.
I am your host, Nicole Tsong. Today’s topic is one that I grappled with personally for a very long time, and it felt like really just the perfect topic for this time and this age, and I really wanted to get into this on the podcast today, as this topic is really something that I would say applies to everyday life, big picture decisions, all kinds of things, has been really meaty and juicy with my own clients. So I’m super excited to dive in today about the biggest block you have for effective decision making. And this one is especially important for you perfectionists out there who struggle with being decisive and really knowing what to do. So we’re going to talk about exactly what the block is and why it’s so important to get through it, so that you can feel free and confident, especially in your decision- making and the things that you want to do with your life, so stay tuned because this is a super impactful episode that I’m so excited to get in with you and talk about. And for those of you who want to learn the exact step by step to being seen and heard at work and stop being overlooked, dm me training at Nicole on Instagram, and I will send you those details.
Okay, friends, let’s do this. Welcome to the School of Self-Worth, a podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we get on the right side of your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong, an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a best-selling author of three books and work/life balance expert, helping ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfilment and radical joy. Every single week, I will bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life who share insight about what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic every day.
Every episode is thoughtfully designed to leave you feeling empowered with tangible tips and advice that will lead you to your next breakthrough.
All right, friends, so I’m going to start today with a little story, because I truly used to be the most indecisive person. I mean, just ask anybody in my family. I was the queen of indecision. I could not decide on anything. And this happened when I was shopping. I would have the worst time. Like, is this pair of pants cute? Should I get this color? What should I wear? I always needed a friend or a family member with me when I was shopping, to make decisions, because I literally was incapacitated by what should I buy? Is this actually the right choice? I was also really indecisive, and this applied not just to shopping, but to other parts of my life. Like, I couldn’t decide what I wanted to eat for dinner, and then these are small things. I also would have trouble and struggle with really big picture decisions. I would struggle with, should I take this next job? Is this the right one for me? And I also really struggled with dating. I would ask my friends endlessly, like, what do you think about this guy? I would tell them every detail of the date and then ask them what they thought and try to get their feedback about who I should be dating. Which, when I look back on it, is just so funny to think about because how could they possibly know? They did not go on the date with me. So I spent massive amounts of time polling people, which, besides being very time consuming, was really ineffective. It was not the way to make any kind of decision, and the result was, it took me forever to make decisions.
Frankly, on a deeper level, it just really stressed me out, because I was constantly living with indecision. And so if this feels familiar, then you’re in exactly the right place for this. Especially if you’re trying to make a big decision and you’re trying to practice getting more into your intuition and making those decisions. This is the thing that blocks people so much. But let me first talk about what exactly indecision is, and here is actually what it is: Indecision is giving your power away. You are letting indecision actually steal your wholeness, your power, and your trust and capacity in yourself to make a decision.
It might seem so small, but this is in fact something really big. Like every time you can’t decide on your next trip or how you’re going to work out childcare combined with your work situation, and you’re asking everybody else what they think and you’re worrying about what they might think. That is you giving your power and decision-making process to other people who can’t make those decisions for you, though they might have an opinion, but they’re not the ones who are going to have to live with the consequences of whatever you decide. So when you’re constantly giving your power away, it feels so bad inside. It’s why we feel stressed about it and anxious, and it really eats away at you on the inside. So these days, when I’m stressed out, if I’m feeling it, I know it’s typically because there is some sort of decision that is actually weighing on me, and to me, it’s always a signal of the moment of like, oh, it’s time to dial in Nicole, it is time for you to actually take a look at the situation and get dialed in and decide. Sometimes, and I can tell, I have little tells for when that’s going on. Like at dinner time, I’m going to ask Michael what he thinks, even though typically it’s not a decision that my husband can answer for me, or I’m like, oh, I’m going to wait till I talk to one of my teachers to make that decision, instead of really tuning in and saying, ok, Nicole, you are the one who can actually make decisions in your own life.
So I’m going to talk about what that dialing-in process looks like, because it is possible to systematize making decisions for yourself, and it’s a process that you can actually use for yourself every single time. And we’re going to talk about what that looks like. So this is the thing that happens also when we’re having trouble with decisions, and this is the biggest block, that we also are collapsing it with a misinterpretation of decisions versus what choice is. So choice is one of the most misunderstood words out there. And one of my teachers, Dorothy Wood, always says that it’s just so misunderstood.
Here’s the first piece: Choice is really about feeling free. Choice is about feeling like you have options, about how you feel, like you have a say in the matter of your life. So here’s an example of people getting out of choice, and I know it’s happening a lot right now, as this happens when you get laid off, for example. You get laid off and you can feel really out of choice. You can feel like your previous employer has now taken away your income. You can feel like they’ve taken away your options around where you want to live. Maybe you’re going to have to move to another city, or maybe it’s threatened your situation with your housing, or whatever it might be. It can really feel like somebody has now taken away your future. And when we get into that victim state, that is a really important place to look at first and understand what choice is, because when you’re trying to do something in life, you really want to feel like you have choice, and when something is taken away, it’s important for us to understand how to get it back. So the most important thing to remember about this is, how do you get that freedom back? In the case of getting laid off, well, did they actually take your entire career away from you, or did they just actually take away one job that’s within an industry that you want to be in? And when you can really start to come back into recognizing that whatever happened in that situation, you actually aren’t stuck, you aren’t actually forever beholden in this position that you’re in, the more you’re going to be able to get yourself back into choice.
I think about breakups as another really great example of this. Like, if somebody has decided to end a relationship and broken your heart, you get out of choice. If you are letting that person determine the future of your ability to be in relationship again, this is something I had to go through. If somebody wanted to end the relationship, I had to reclaim for myself, saying, oh, well, I can still have all the things in my life that I want. I’m not going to let this one person take that away from me. So if you’re in this experience right now, and you’re feeling like somebody has taken something away from you, that is actually the first place to really look and the first place to get yourself back into choice, because there’s so much stress happening there, it actually makes you incapable of deciding what to do next. So that’s the first piece.
The second piece is to understand and see how it is distinct from a decision. A decision, if you look at the root of decide, is the same as homicide, which is to cut off, to end. Right? So decisions are about cutting off options, and very different from choice, so it’s important to understand sometimes we need to make a decision because we need to cut off the wavering, the indecision, the back and forth, the giving away of your power. So a simple example of this one is, have you ever felt stressed trying to decide what to have for dinner? I still get this way sometimes. I’m like, I don’t know what to do, what to cook. Oh, my gosh. Here’s what I’ve got in the freezer. Here’s what I’ve got in the fridge. Can I make something that’s going to taste good, that I’m excited to eat, blah, blah, blah. And I go back and forth on it, and if I know that I need to take the stress out for myself, I just have to decide and then be like, it’s going to be okay either way, just decide. But it can be really difficult for us sometimes to just say, I’m just going to decide. We’re so accustomed to that wavering, or that indecision, and when you start to go to the next level of decisions, bigger decisions, life decisions, calendar decisions, travel decisions, it can be really difficult because we’re afraid of cutting off the other option. So why might you be afraid of cutting off the other options? You might be afraid of what people think when you actually cut it off, because this could now include you saying no to something. We could be worried about that piece of it. The perfectionist really can worry about that. You could also be worried about, what if you make the wrong choice? This is one that comes up a lot for my people. Like, what if I make the wrong decision, Nicole? What if it’s not exactly the right thing? So you have to start to understand that the wavering cost is so much higher than the cost of making a decision that might not work out.
Decision, to me, means action. So once we make a decision, we’re now prompted to take action, and that action is going to give you so much useful information, information that I find to be really necessary to understand what’s happening in life, because sometimes we actually can’t really figure out what’s next until we just do the next thing. And that action shows you what to do next. But until you take that action, you’re not going to know. So let’s get back to the dating example. You can, in your head, make up all the perfect things about the partner you want and what they’re going to be like, et cetera. But I promise you, you’re probably not going to know after literally just one date, if this person is the right person or not. You’re just getting some information. The only way to get more information is to be in the action of going on another date, so each time you’re collecting information that’s telling you more and more about whether this person is a good person for you or not. So when you are in that indecision, it takes you out of having to be in your life. That is also the way it takes you out of your power. You just don’t have to live your life, because you don’t have to actually say, “Yes, I’m going to go do that, or, no, I’m not going to do that”. But it’s such a trickling, a constant trickle of your power, just like leaking, leaking, leaking all the time, that we don’t even recognize or see that that is what is going on, and so learning to make powerful decisions is super important.
How do you start to just say, okay, I’m just going to decide and move forward? And sometimes it is as simple as that. You’re like, I’m just going to decide and then I’m going to see how this goes.
But then the third piece that can come in for people is then they doubt the decision that they made, and that is also very difficult. Like, okay, I made the decision, I’m going forward with this meal. And then you’re like, oh, my God, is it going to taste good? Is this going to be right? What’s going on? I’m not sure. And I see this from people all the time. Especially if you’re trying to make some really big decisions. You’re making a career decision, you’re changing a job, or you’re maybe leaving a job. You’re trying to figure out what’s next, and it is so important in this situation for us to understand that the decision that you’re making is going to be the right decision for that moment. There aren’t perfect decisions. It doesn’t work like that. Life doesn’t work that way. But we do sometimes just need to make some decisions to start to get some momentum and some energy to understand the direction that we actually need to go.
The final piece of this, is really starting to make intuitive decisions. A lot of times what we have to do is go through this whole process. Like, am I in choice? Am I making decisions that feel clear to me, and then really starting to tune in when you’re making those decisions to that intuitive side that is always guiding you and always giving you direction, if you are listening, and to me, that’s the way I trust my decisions the most, is I actually really make sure that they are intuitive ones. I listen in and my intuition guides me and I trust that it’s taking me in the right direction, even if I’m not really sure where it’s going. Sometimes your intuition is just going to give you that next right step. Your job is to say, okay, I’m just going to follow this next right step, and so when we get really systematized about all of this and we start to understand how to make powerful decisions, it makes such a difference in your life. You have so much more time and space. You have so much more freedom. You don’t have to harangue your friends for opinions about everything that you’re doing, you can actually just hang out and catch up and enjoy each other’s company. But it is so important in this whole process to make sure that you are really clear on what you want, because that is the last piece that can get in the way if you’re not sure what it is that you want. It is very difficult to make a decision, yet getting clear on what you want is actually so simple. It’s not easy per se, as I find a lot of people know about the things that they don’t want, but they just really struggle for what it is that they do want. But once you start to get clear on what it is that you do want and you really start to understand some of these practices and the way to start to follow the roadmap, and the steps for you to make these powerful decisions, I promise you, your life will totally change. You will just have so much more ease and so much more flow.
It took me so many years to get decisive and I sometimes still have these old patterns that come up, and I have to just call myself on and be like, all right, Nicole, you’re being indecisive. Just make a decision, just move forward. You can do this. And the action again is going to inform so much of what is going on. So it’s like, oh, let me just be in the action of dating. Like going to meet somebody, actually being in the action of just picking something and going forward with it and then seeing what that tells you, and what information you start to get from there. So really, to me, understanding how to make fast, effective decisions is like such a game changer for life.
So if what I shared resonated with you and you want to learn more about the exact framework for making clear decisions, dm me decision at Nicole Tsong on Instagram, and let’s chat. I’ve got something there for you.
Okay friends, thank you so much for being part of this rich, expansive conversation. I can’t wait to see you again next week. Thank you so much for tuning into today’s episode. Before you go, don’t forget, if you are a high-achieving woman who wants to uncover your biggest blind spots preventing fast, intuitive decisions, I’ve got a 72-second assessment for you, so make sure to dm me quiz on at Nicole Tsong at Instagram and thank you for being here and for listening. We read every note that we get from you about how the podcast is making a difference in your life. Please know how much we appreciate each and every one of you.
Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong and this is the School of Self-Worth.
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