Do you stay up until midnight prepping for a meeting, then hold back your best idea because you’re not 100% sure it’s ready? Have you ever wondered if you just need more confidence, more recognition, or even a different personality to be seen as a leader?
In this episode, I share the real block I see in so many high-achieving Asian American women: the belief that you have to know everything before you’re allowed to lead.
It isn’t a confidence problem. It’s a preparation problem, and it makes sense. Many of us were raised to see being prepared as a way to respect our family and community. That habit got you to where you are now. But in leadership, it quietly turns into overpreparing, hesitating, and missing the moment to step into your authority.
I also talk about why being open about your growth builds far more trust than pretending to have all the answers, even if you work in a perfectionist culture.
Because the women who get seen as visionaries aren’t the ones with every answer. They’re the ones who decide and move.
You’ll hear how to:
Here’s what I know to be true: leadership grows through action, not more preparation. When you stop overthinking and start doing, everything shifts.
“To lead is to be okay with doing the best that I can with the knowledge that I don’t know everything.” – Nicole Tsong
“Your authority comes from judgment. It does not come from having every answer.” – Nicole Tsong
“The only way I’m going to get the information that I want is to decide.” – Nicole Tsong
“Our job is to relax, to start to take it down from that super high intense pressure place, so you can start to make decisions that are clear from the information that you have instead of trying to get it perfect.” – Nicole Tsong
“The way it actually shifts is by acting on it.” – Nicole Tsong
“You don’t need more knowledge than you already have right now.” – Nicole Tsong
TRANSCRIPT 152
NICOLE TSONG
Welcome back to the School of Self-Worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong. Today’s topic came from a standout moment at my live, in-person Mastermind event, and it was so good. It comes from an established leader in her space, and it is all about the biggest block to your leadership – which is definitely not what you think. And you are going to love this one because there is a simple, effective way to fix it.
Before we dig in, if you are an Asian American leader who wants to identify the exact block keeping you from owning your power and authority at work, apply for an Asian Authority Audit in the show notes below, or DM me audit on Instagram @NicoleTsong so I can send you those details. And make sure to hit subscribe on YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform so you can keep getting all of the knowledge coming your way.
Okay, friends, let’s get into this.
Welcome to the School of Self-Worth, a podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we get on the right side of your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth.
I’m your host, Nicole Tsong – an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a bestselling author of three books and a work-life balance expert, helping ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfillment and radical joy. Every single week, I bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life who share insight about what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic every day. Every episode is thoughtfully designed to leave you feeling empowered with tangible tips and advice that will lead you to your next breakthrough.
Let me describe a moment and tell me if this sounds familiar to you.
You have an idea you want to present in a meeting – a really good one you’ve been thinking about. You’ve been preparing for it. You have talking points, but when the moment comes for you to bring it up, you don’t actually say it because you’re like, well, maybe I should check those numbers one more time. Or you think, I want to see how this conversation goes first before I bring up what I want to say.
Or you’re waiting until you’ve formulated the precise thing – not just talking points, but memorized exactly what you want to share. And as you’re about to say it, someone else basically says what you were thinking. Everybody nods, and you’re like, oh man, I missed my moment.
This also could look like the email you rewrote four times. You saved it as a draft, then you’re like, oh God, I really should send this. And then you just say, just let me know your thoughts – no rush on this.
I want to talk about why these kinds of scenarios happen, because most of us actually have the wrong understanding and answer for it.
We tell ourselves we need more confidence. We tell ourselves we need more recognition. We tell ourselves, I’m already quiet – I’m going to have to change my personality.
Even though other people are telling you, yes, we want you to be more visible.
This past weekend – end of October – My Mastermind came to Seattle to talk about these exact blocks. And what I saw among this group of remarkable women, who have invested huge amounts of time and energy into their own growth, is that it’s none of those things.
It’s not confidence. It’s not recognition. It’s not the title.
And if you’re listening to this, you probably already have the sense that this is true. You knew that.
The number one actual block to your leadership is the belief that you have to know everything before you are allowed to lead.
One of the women said it so simply: “To lead is to be okay with doing the best that I can with the knowledge that I don’t know everything.”
I’m going to say that part again: that I don’t know everything.
Today I want to show you why this belief is so sticky, in particular for Asian American women, and a couple of simple shifts that stop it from running the show for you.
The reason this is incredibly difficult for Asian American women is because of the way you were raised. You were taught that preparation is respectful – respectful of the people you’re working with, your colleagues, your bosses, everyone in your environment. And when you were wrong, it cost time, energy, and money for other people. When you were younger, it also reflected poorly on your family. It might have embarrassed them or brought shame to people you care about.
So you decided you had to be uber-prepared all the time. You showed respect by being prepared, doing your homework, following the rules, and overpreparing as a way of life. You might have thought it was diligence, but it was actually compensation for the belief underneath.
The cost is that you stay the dependable expert while someone else gets to be the visionary.
And here’s what I know – and what we worked on in my Mastermind: you are a visionary for your own life and your own leadership. The more you own that, the more powerful you become in your work, and the more you’re seen that way.
This came up when we were talking about being vulnerable in your own growth and sharing that with your team.
I had been working with another client in Seen as a Leader about leading from her own expansion rather than leading from knowledge. For her, we were working on how to start sharing with her team the things she’s actually working on – being vulnerable about where she’s growing instead of coming from a place of, I tell you what to do because I know so much.
It has been extremely difficult for her because she works in a very perfectionist culture. In places like this, vulnerability can look like weakness. You might even perceive that for yourself – you think being vulnerable is weak, so you don’t do it at all.
But what’s happening for her, and why we’re having this conversation, is she isn’t being seen as the leader she wants to be. She’s undermined. People don’t go to her when there are problems. Part of it is because they don’t trust her.
Trust comes from being open about what you’re going through. Impactful leadership comes from expansion – saying, hey, I’m working on this, and inviting everyone to grow together.
Another client had her own aha. She leads big teams in a perfectionist culture and realized she has to make decisions and lead frequently without having more information. So what do you do in those situations?
You start to lead from I don’t know. You become okay with telling your team you don’t know – and they trust you to guide them anyway.
Here are the shifts we have to make as leaders:
Leading means deciding with incomplete information. Your authority comes from judgment, not having every answer.
If you had every answer, I’d say you need to challenge yourself more.
We don’t have complete information – the only way to get it is by moving forward. The only way I get the information I want is to decide. Once I start doing the next thing, that gives me the information to expand on that decision.
You can’t always have certainty.
People with perfectionist tendencies don’t like to fail. We think it’s embarrassing. We hate failure. It makes us feel like we’re failing as human beings.
Your job is to adapt and become friends with failure – failure is part of learning.
I don’t think of myself as failing. I think, that decision gave me information. It showed me the way to go or the way to shift.
This applies everywhere – career, dating, relationships, friendships. Every decision gives you information for the next one.
Another simple shift – the one my Mastermind loved – is to keep it simple and do it relaxed.
A lot of you are making this super hard. You’re making it complicated.
One of our main jobs as leaders is to make decisions. When you’re in high anxiety and high pressure, you either take forever to decide – which people don’t like – or once you decide, you doubt yourself. That comes across to others. If you doubt yourself, they sense it, and they don’t trust your decision either.
Your job is to relax. Take it down from that intense pressure so you can make clear decisions from the information you have instead of trying to get it perfect.
You don’t need all of XYZ in place before deciding. Just make the decision. Make it simple. You’ll get the information once you move.
The bonus shift – the top thing you can do – is to stay neutral.
This is the hardest part for most people. Everyone gets attached. You want the outcome to be exactly how you envisioned it. But that’s not how things work.
Corporate environments are complex and fast-changing. The world is like that all the time.
Your job is to say, I’m going to test this. Make the decision. Let your team test it. If it doesn’t work, shift. Make a new decision.
Don’t be attached to whether it works or not.
This allows you to make bolder moves, try new things, explore new places. This is where things get interesting. This is where you elevate as a leader – because you’re challenging yourself, growing yourself, taking your team in new directions.
People notice when you do this.
The more you stay neutral, keep it simple, do it relaxed, and lead with incomplete information, the more powerful you become.
How do we start to relax? How do we say, okay, I’m going for it, and stop doubting ourselves?
You gather information. That information helps you decide what to do next. And this is when life starts to shift quickly.
You can’t think your way out of this. High achievers try – but action has to happen.
You can understand all of this and still hold back. Most people do. They ruminate. They worry. They doubt.
Most women who come to me know they’re supposed to be more relaxed. They know faster decisions reflect well on them. They know they have knowledge, skills, expertise. They know they should trust themselves.
And yet, they’re still not doing it.
The shift happens through action.
My Mastermind made huge decisions – shifting careers, stepping into new visions, starting businesses. All of it came from action, not just clarity.
Use this to ask yourself: Where can I decide a little quicker?
Decisions can be small. Block your calendar for a 10-minute walk. You need that. It helps you be a better leader and more relaxed.
These decisions make a difference. You flex the muscle by practicing consistently.
This turns into women saying, I am capable just as I am. Not as a phrase – but as an embodiment.
You are not behind.
If you’re listening all the way to the end, your job is to keep it simple and make a decision right now. Practice it. Build your strength and growth in that direction.
And remember: you don’t need more knowledge than you already have.
If you’re an Asian American woman who wants to know what it’s like to be in this action place, DM me audit @NicoleTsong on Instagram, and we can chat about the details to clear the blocks keeping you from action for what’s next in your life.
Thank you, friends, so much for being here. I’m so grateful to you for listening all the way to the end, for being here, and for being in the action steps of everything we talk about on this podcast.
Have the best day.
Thank you so much for tuning into today’s episode. Before you go, don’t forget – if you are a high-achieving woman who wants to uncover your biggest blind spots preventing fast intuitive decisions, I’ve got a 72-second assessment for you. DM me quiz @NicoleTsong on Instagram.
Thank you for being here and for listening. We read every note you send about how the podcast is making a difference in your life. Please know how much we appreciate each and every one of you.
Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is the School of Self-Worth.
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