Do you ever feel like you’re not fully living up to your potential? Like you know there’s more inside you, and you’re just not sure how to get that version of you out there?
Then today’s episode is for you!
I’ve seen so many talented, accomplished women who, despite all their achievements—juggling work, family, and everything else—still feel like they’re not quite living up to their potential.
In this episode, we talk about the biggest blocks holding back any high-achieving, successful Asian-American woman — especially when it looks on the outside like you’re doing everything “right.”
You’ll learn a key identity shift to make, plus some simple tools to help you step into your fullest potential (including how to set those pesky boundaries) starting TODAY.
You don’t want to miss this powerful episode!
“The sooner you start to shift your identity from somebody who has to achieve all the time, and whose identity is tied to your job — and you start to separate your identity and your self worth from this achiever side — that’s when you can start to make a shift.”
“You might actually think this is part of who you are and you are stuck with it forever. So we are here today to talk about those patterns and those cycles because it is possible to break these patterns.”
“Celebration is not part of how you live your life. And first of all, you’re missing out because celebration is so fun. It is also something that you have to learn and you have to practice.”
“If your identity is wrapped up in work, you’re probably not going to say no to work.”
“The idea that we can put things off, that’s just future thinking. And it’s not true. We only really have where we are right now.”
“Valuing yourself is the biggest priority. And I don’t mean valuing what you’re doing at work, because that’s still identity stuff. I mean valuing who you are, that you have something to say, that when you speak it’s interesting.”
NICOLE:
Hello, friends! I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is the School of Self-Worth. Welcome back! I am so excited to talk to you about today’s topic, which is all about uncovering your full potential. There are three main blocks that I see for Asian American women that keep them from stepping into their potential. Today, we get to delve deep into this topic, and you do not want to miss all the richness that lies ahead. Before we get started, if you’re an Asian American corporate leader who wants to permanently reverse cultural conditioning and step into your full power and potential, DM me “visible” on Instagram @nicoletsong. I’ve got something special for you over there. All right, friends, let’s dig into this episode!
Welcome to the School of Self-Worth, a podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life.
Join us weekly as we get on the right side of your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong—an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a bestselling author of three books and a work-life balance expert. I help ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfillment and radical joy. Every single week, I will bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life who share insights about what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic every day. Each episode is thoughtfully designed to empower you with tangible tips and advice that will lead you to your next breakthrough.
One of the things I’ve been noticing is how many Asian American women feel they are not living up to their full potential. I’m often a bit shocked because these women are so smart and capable. They’re frequently at the top of their careers, juggling families, jobs, volunteering, and side hustles. They are truly incredible! And yet, they express that they don’t feel like they’re living up to their potential. Whenever an Asian American woman comes to me with this sentiment, I instantly recognize that there are a few key blocks at play. These women keep experiencing these blocks over and over again.
It’s like a record that keeps skipping—a lesson that they’re not quite sure how to recognize. That’s because it’s a blind spot, meaning you cannot see what’s going on. This is why I love having these conversations. The truth is, while you may not see it, someone else often can. They can quickly identify the problem for you, but since you’ve been caught in that pattern and cycle your entire life, you might not even believe it’s something that can change. You might think this is just part of who you are and that you’re stuck with it forever. So today, we’re here to discuss those patterns and cycles because it is indeed possible to break them. I have helped clients break so many long-standing patterns.
These are issues that have persisted for years, often without them even realizing it. Once they break through, they feel so free on the other side. You might be tempted to dive deep and ask, “Okay, Nicole, what causes these cycles to start? Why do they take so long to overcome?” We’ll touch on some of that today. The truth is, you can actually break patterns and cycles pretty quickly. You can do it with awareness and various tools that I work on with people inside Your Clear Calling. It is truly possible to break these cycles—you don’t have to be stuck with them forever. If you’re listening today, it’s likely because you’re interested in what it takes to break those blocks and start getting the support you need.
I want to emphasize that these blocks took a lifetime to build up, but they can be broken quickly. However, what often happens is that we can tend to ping-pong back to our old ways, even after breaking free. You break a pattern once, and then you find yourself doing it again. That’s where accountability and support make a significant difference. Having someone who can notice when you revert to that old pattern allows you to course-correct quickly. That’s what we do inside Your Clear Calling. It’s exciting because this is the journey of discovering your own power, worth, and value.
The first block I see time and again is one that I struggled with for a long time: the feeling of constantly failing. This is that sensation where you feel like you’re taking one step forward and two steps back. Even when you finally reach a goal, it seems like the goalpost has moved before you’ve even gotten there. I remember when I was releasing my first books; I felt like the goal was simply to write a book. But once the books were out, suddenly the focus shifted to how many books were selling, then to how many places they were being distributed, and then to driving those sales even further. It felt like an endless hamster wheel of tasks surrounding the book, and I thought, “I just wanted to write a book!”
I had to confront this feeling of failure because wasn’t the goal just to write a book? If you’re a budding author, you might feel the same way. There are so many aspects to explore in any big goal we pursue. This mindset is common among achievers, and I include myself in that category. We often rush to the next task instead of recognizing and celebrating where we are. This is something many Asian American women miss—celebration is often not a part of how you live your life. First of all, you’re missing out because celebration is so much fun! It’s also something you have to learn and practice.
Like many things we work on, it’s a muscle that needs to be developed. You have to do it consistently, with accountability and support. I promise you, without those elements, you won’t do it. I could talk about this on the podcast until I’m blue in the face, but it truly requires accountability to step into celebration in a new way. Let’s be real here: the way you grew up likely influenced your reluctance to celebrate. My parents never celebrated anything. They may have praised you or at least acknowledged your accomplishments, but it often felt like the standard was not getting yelled at for your grades. They still expected an A+ every time.
It could have been about the awards you won, and perhaps you received a nod of approval for them. It might have been about your seat in the orchestra or band or whether you made the varsity sports team. Those were the markers of success they looked for. Then it was about getting into an Ivy League school and the grades necessary to achieve that. Once you were in school, it was all about maintaining your GPA. After that, the proof of success was what kind of job you landed: how prestigious it was and how much it paid.
If this sounds familiar, you’re caught in the hamster wheel of achievement. You might feel like, “No matter what I do, the goalpost keeps moving.” You’ve done all the things you were supposed to do, but there’s always something else that needs to be done. After landing your job, it probably became about meeting the right person your family approved of, having kids, buying a house, and getting a nice car. Then, it’s about supporting your parents in their old age, and on and on it goes. Essentially, there are no fixed goalposts; they’ve been moving your entire life. You thought striving for those goalposts was what made you successful, but all it did was shape your identity as an achiever—someone perpetually in pursuit of the next thing.
Your achievements were supposed to signify that you made it. Here’s a simple test to see if this resonates with you: Is your job your identity? Another way to frame it is, if you took your job away, would you still have a sense of purpose, fulfillment, and joy in your life? If your answer is no, then your job is likely your identity. That’s why you’re not reaching your full potential—you’ve tied it to one specific thing. If you don’t feel successful in your job, you’ll never feel successful in your life. Can you see how slippery this is? We need to examine what we define for ourselves and how we shape our identity to move toward a sense of purpose and alignment. Your potential is so much greater than the things you achieve.
The sooner you shift your identity from being someone who must always achieve—whose self-worth is tied to their job—the sooner you can begin to make a change. This requires a lot of inner attention and awareness, and it’s the most critical aspect to address. Once you start working on this identity piece, the next block emerges: the inability to say no.
It’s a simple boundary, yet I find that Asian American women really struggle with this. If your identity is wrapped up in work, you’re probably not going to say no to it. Can you see the connection? You tell yourself you’re being collaborative, trying to partner with others at work. You want to support your team, but in doing so, you’re constantly sacrificing yourself. Worse, you might set some small boundaries but feel guilty for saying no. Even when you do say no, you find yourself spiraling into guilt over it. That guilt can overwhelm you and keep you from stepping into your true potential.
You spend so much time worrying about what others will think of you and how saying no might affect your leadership. The truth is, the more clarity you have around boundaries, the more effective you are as a leader. You’re not trying to solve everyone’s problems all the time; you’re present to help them resolve their biggest challenges while allowing them the independence to figure things out for themselves. Clear boundaries signal that you value yourself. The more you value yourself, the more others will value you as well. This helps you teach others how to treat you. Valuing yourself is the highest priority.
And I don’t mean valuing yourself based on what you do at work—that’s still tied to identity. I mean valuing who you are: recognizing that you have something to say, that when you speak, it’s interesting. You’re not doubting or second-guessing yourself. You’re confident that your unique qualities and abilities are valuable contributions, regardless of the environment. This is true all the time. Once you start doing this, that’s when you’ll find people who want visibility and recognition at work. That’s when it comes into play because you are clearly in your power and full potential.
Can you see that your full potential is not connected to your job? It’s about who you are, how you show up, and the energy and action you put toward being your authentic self everywhere you go. Now, this brings me to my third biggest block: believing that you can delay your full potential to another time.
You might think, “2026 will be a good time to work on that.” I’m curious—did you say that in 2024 for 2025 or in 2023 for 2024? How many times have you told yourself, “I can figure that out later”? Here’s the truth: there is no time except right now to truly examine this. Your worth and your highest self are the most important things you can focus on. They matter more than getting dinner on the table or reviewing the latest spreadsheet from work. I’m serious.
This is profoundly true. It’s the most urgent matter I can think of. This is where you start to take ownership of who you are and make choices and decisions without being at the mercy of what everyone else thinks or how they value you. I can think of countless examples from my life where people dismissed my goals, saying, “Nope, that doesn’t matter; that’s never going to happen.” People generally know better than to say that to me now, but it certainly happened.
For instance, when I was getting divorced, I knew I wanted to meet someone who would want to marry me and have a child. I was doing this at 42, and many people thought that was a crazy goal. But I was clear about it. Part of my clarity came from knowing my potential and power. I knew it was possible, so I didn’t let others’ opinions deter me.
When you delay pursuing your full potential, you’re actually delaying the gift of your own life—the creation of a fulfilling, impactful, and powerful life. This is the most important thing for any of you listening to understand. If you don’t pursue it—if you outsource your self-worth to your job, to others’ opinions, and avoid setting boundaries—you will suffer. And the people you love will suffer too.
This is what it leads to: you don’t value yourself. You work crazy hours, spend all your time on your phone, and inadvertently teach your kids not to value themselves. You’re not present with your children when you’re at work; you’re always thinking about what you need to do. When you’re with your kids, family, or loved ones, your mind is elsewhere. You fall into a cycle where you’re not truly practicing self-love or being present in your life, sending a message to others that they can also put off their potential.
Let’s stop doing that. Let’s embrace the idea that you can actually start now.
The way to begin is to focus on emotional mastery, to reduce your reactivity, to let go of the identity of the achiever, and to embrace the identity of who you truly are. Start saying no and doing things that support you in being present and clear in your life as you are. There is only ever this moment. My clients hear me say this constantly: there is only ever this moment. The notion that we can put things off is just future thinking, and it’s not true. We only have where we are right now. Can we practice that immediately? By not delaying the things that truly matter in our lives, change becomes possible, and choice is always available in the present.
The present moment is the most powerful one you will ever have. If you’re thinking, “Okay, I want to do this,” it might feel a little scary. Change can be intimidating for our brains. We just have to say, “Okay, I’m coming back to the present moment. I’m listening and learning to tune in to my internal voice instead of the external, busy, loud, Internet-based noise.” I’m going to listen to the voice that matters. If that voice is telling you right now to find out more about this, DM me “visible” on Instagram. We have something for you that will help you take those first steps toward stepping into your potential, embracing your power, and owning your authentic voice in a completely different way.
Okay, friends, thank you so much! I am thrilled to have you here, and I can’t wait to see you in the next episode. Thank you for tuning in today.
Before you go, don’t forget: if you are a high-achieving woman who wants to uncover your biggest blind spots preventing swift, intuitive decisions, I have a 72-second assessment for you. Make sure to DM me “quiz” @nicoletsong on Instagram. Thank you for being here and for listening. We read every note we receive about how the podcast is making a difference in your life. Please know how much we appreciate each and every one of you. Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is the School of Self-Worth.
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