Do you always show up for others?
Like, you’re the person you can always count on to be there when you say you will?
But when it comes to getting more sleep or going to the gym, you often let yourself off the hook?
If this is you, then you’re in the perfect place, because this episode is all about how to build a stronger relationship with yourself.
And it starts with looking at your commitment to yourself.
This one can be especially hard for Asian-American women, who often are taught to prioritze other people over yourself.
In this episode of the School of Self Worth, I talk about how to reverse the conditioning and the simple steps you can take to start keeping promises you make to yourself.
This episode shows you the exact steps to generate a stronger relationship with yourself — you don’t want to miss this one!
“Learning to keep your word to yourself is an essential piece of the self-worth journey.”
“To be really powerful, to be deeply in your own worthiness and value, you have to learn to keep your promises to yourself.”
What matters is whether you’re breaking your word to yourself, because that’s a critical reason you may not have a strong relationship with yourself.
Are you committed to your own dreams? Are you committed to yourself? Because if you’re not, how can you expect your dreams to come true?
“Are you committed to your own dreams? Are you committed to yourself?”
“It’s helpful instead to start to look at, where can I start to make some adjustments right now?”
“The brain learns to meditate not from doing it perfectly. The brain learns to meditate from the catch.”
“I care very deeply about women being able to do this for themselves, because this is how we get out of these holes of feeling like we don’t have a powerful relationship with ourselves.”
NICOLE
Hello, friends! I’m Nicole Tsong, and welcome back to the School of Self-Worth. Today, I want to dive into a topic that has been coming up a lot with my clients: building a stronger relationship with yourself. Some of what we’ll talk about today might challenge you, but it’s absolutely essential for your journey toward self-worth. I’m so excited to explore this with you!
If you’re an Asian American woman who wants to permanently reverse cultural conditioning so you can step into a life of quick, powerful decisions—where you thrive and feel passionate about your life again—DM me the word passionate on Instagram at @nicoletsong. I’ve got something special for you.
Alright, friends, let’s jump into this episode.
Welcome to the School of Self-Worth, a podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we align with your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong—an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a best-selling author of three books and a work-life balance expert.
I help ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into lives of fulfillment and radical joy. Every week, I bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life. Together, we’ll explore what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic every day. Each episode is thoughtfully designed to empower you with tangible tips and advice to spark your next breakthrough.
Hello, friends! I want to start today’s episode with an important question. It might feel like something you’d expect from a partner rather than a coach, but here it is: Are you afraid of commitment? In other words, are you a commitment-phobe?
You might think, ‘Well, I don’t know, Nicole—am I? How would I even know?’ Here’s a simple way to check: Are you doing the things you say you’re going to do? And no, I don’t mean for other people—that’s often much easier for high-achieving women. I mean the things you promised yourself you’d do.
For example, maybe you said you’d go to the gym, but you didn’t. Or you told yourself you’d get an extra hour of sleep, but instead, you stayed up scrolling. Perhaps you planned to cook more at home but ended up ordering takeout three times a week. Now, I’m not saying you have to do any of these things. Do what works for you! What matters is whether you’re breaking your word to yourself, because that’s a critical reason you may not have a strong relationship with yourself.
Learning to keep your promises to yourself is a foundational part of the self-worth journey. If you don’t believe you’re worthy of keeping your own commitments, why would anyone else trust you when you say you’ll do something? You might find people do trust you because you keep your promises to them—but to step into your full power and self-worth, you need to honor those promises to yourself too.
This is at the heart of why many Asian American women struggle with feeling worthy—whether it’s at work, in leadership, or simply being recognized. It’s not that others don’t acknowledge you; it’s that you’re not giving yourself credit for your accomplishments.
Let’s talk about how commitment plays into this. As a recovering commitment-phobe, I still have to check myself on this. Growing up, I was conditioned to prioritize my family over myself. In many Asian cultures, the collective is often valued over the individual. Family dynamics, appearances, and how others perceive us take precedence over what we do for ourselves. This cultural conditioning teaches us to care deeply about others while neglecting our own needs.
I didn’t realize how much of a commitment-phobe I was until I decided I wanted to get married and have a family. About a decade ago, I declared this goal for myself. I worked hard to overcome my fears to get married the first time, and afterward, I thought, “Well, I’ve conquered this commitment issue. I’m good now.”
But a few years ago, I found myself facing it again. I had recently finalized my divorce and was dating my now-husband, Michael. I still dreamed of remarrying and starting a family. Early on, Michael and I began discussing commitment and the future. When I told him I wanted to get married and have a family, he said, “Okay, I’m in for that.” Then he added, “We should move in together.” And I froze.
I remember sitting at the dining room table, thinking, “Oh my gosh, he wants to move in already. Do I know him well enough? Can I trust him? Am I ready for this? Is this the right time, the right person? Could this be the worst decision of my life?” Every self-doubting, second-guessing thought raced through my mind.
That’s when I realized I was doing my commitment-phobe thing again. I had to ask myself what I was truly committed to. I recognized this wasn’t about Michael—he hadn’t done anything to make me distrust him or question his suitability. This was about me. Deep down, I was afraid of committing to my own dreams. I had to embrace the uncertainty of the relationship to make my dreams a reality, and that was terrifying.
Recently, some of my clients have realized they’re not fully committed to themselves either. Instead, they’re more committed to other people’s dreams and expectations. This is where the real work begins.
But then, that was leaving them at loose ends. They were feeling really stressed about the choices they were making. And this is where it’s so important to understand why commitment is at the heart of it all. Are you committed to your own dreams? Are you committed to yourself? Because if you’re not, how can you expect your dreams to come true?
For instance, if you have a big dream to leave your corporate job in six months and pivot into a career you’ve secretly been dreaming about—but haven’t taken any action toward—then this conversation is for you. If you’ve always just taken the jobs that came your way, this conversation is for you. Or maybe you’ve done really well in life, but deep down you feel unhappy, passionless, and like you’re not the driver of your own existence. If that resonates, this conversation is for you.
This can show up in so many ways: taking career leaps you’ve avoided, staying stuck in jobs you’re conflicted about, signing up for a class and never attending, or telling yourself you’ll be a better friend by staying in touch, only to let those efforts fizzle out. It’s not about everyone else—this is about YOU. And that’s why this episode is centered around your relationship with yourself.
At the heart of my work with clients is this question: What is your relationship with yourself? Are you committed enough to your own dreams, or are you more committed to someone else’s, like your mom’s dream for you? Maybe you’ve followed her path—you have the job, the family, and the things that look right on the surface. Yet, deep down, you’re thinking, ‘I’m not actually happy with any of this. Is this all there is?’ You might even wonder, ‘Am I having a midlife crisis? What’s happening here?’
Instead of falling into these existential spirals, which aren’t helpful, it’s more productive to ask, ‘Where can I start making adjustments right now?’ The place to start is where you’re breaking your word to yourself. Think of something you said you’d do but haven’t done. For example, as I record this episode, we’re three months into 2025. Did you set a goal on January 1st, something you promised yourself you’d start, only to find it hasn’t happened yet? That’s an excellent place to begin any commitment you’ve made to yourself and postponed.
Maybe you even told someone else about it and then stopped following through. Let me be clear: this isn’t about guilt or shame. I don’t believe in that. This is about a course correction. It’s about getting back on track, and that requires resilience. This is something I work on deeply with my clients—how to course correct.
If you were in a coaching session with me, this is exactly where we’d begin. We’d talk through everything I’ve just mentioned, and then we’d focus on making that course correction. It’s time to identify the places where you’ve been breaking your word to yourself and start moving forward again.
For those of you who are my clients listening right now, this is the question for you: Where have you been breaking your word to yourself? Have you been saying, ‘I’m going to work on my business’ or ‘I’m going to take care of myself daily’? Have you promised to commit to practices that support you, like showing up to calls, doing the things that make a difference in your life, and then actually following through? It’s time to revisit those promises and take action.
I often think about it this way: I learned in meditation that the brain improves, not from doing things perfectly, but from the ‘catch’. For example, if you’re doing breath meditation, you’re focusing on your breath. Then, naturally, your mind wanders. This happens constantly. The key moment isn’t when your mind strays—it’s when you notice it, ‘catch’ yourself, and return to your breath. This process repeats over and over. Studies show that the ‘loop back’, the moment you refocus, is where true learning and rewiring occur.
The same principle applies to self-commitment—it’s a muscle you have to strengthen. You need to practice the ‘loop’: catching yourself when you fall off track and bringing yourself back. I’ve done this countless times in my own life—in many ways and situations. It’s all about continually practicing that catch.
For those of you who know me, you’re aware that I’m a movement person. I used to write a fitness column for the Seattle Times, and for me, movement has become so ingrained that I’ve developed a strong ability to catch myself.
And honestly, I feel really off if I don’t move my body consistently. But I catch it quickly. For example, I recently got back from a trip and didn’t feel like working out. I didn’t go the day I returned from my flight—I was exhausted. But I also knew the key was whether I went the following day. So the next day, I went to yoga.
This is what I mean: we need to ask ourselves, ‘How do I keep coming back to the things that serve me?’ I might give myself a day off, and I don’t feel bad about it. I don’t guilt or shame myself. But then I catch it, and I come back. I return to what’s important.
So, here’s my invitation to you, listening: Where in your life is there something where you’re breaking your word to yourself? And how can you catch it and loop it back, so you can follow through again, starting right now? These are the areas to focus on. When you find the answer—and I promise it won’t take more than two minutes of reflection—you’ll know immediately.
Once you identify it, DM me. Accountability is a huge part of making change. A major step in helping yourself get back on track is being part of a community of women who are also working on this. That’s one of the biggest values people get from Your Clear Calling—this sense of togetherness. When we’re in it together, you start to remember: ‘I want to do this. I’m committed to this. I’m ready to get back on track.’
So let me know. I want to hear from you. DM me at @nicoletsong on Instagram and share what you discover. Tell me where you’ve been breaking your word to yourself and how you’re recommitting. I know I might just be a stranger on the internet to some of you—but I hope that doesn’t feel true. Please know that there is someone who genuinely cares. I care deeply about empowering women to do this for themselves, because this is how we get out of the holes where we feel disconnected from ourselves—where we doubt our worth, our capabilities, and the possibilities for the lives we dream of and desire.
Okay, friends, this has been such a fun and meaningful conversation. Thank you so much for being here. If you’re an Asian American woman who wants the exact steps to permanently reverse the cultural conditioning holding you back—so you can make fast, powerful decisions and take control of your life—DM me the word Power on Instagram. I’ve got a system to help you with that.
Alright, I’ll see you next week!
Thank you so much for tuning into today’s episode. Before you go, don’t forget—if you’re a high-achieving woman who wants to uncover the biggest blind spots preventing you from making fast, intuitive decisions, I’ve got a 72-second assessment for you. DM me the word Quiz on Instagram at @nicoletsong. Thank you for being here and listening. We read every message we receive about how the podcast is making a difference in your life. Please know how much we appreciate every single one of you. Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is the School of Self-Worth.
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