Stop Over-explaining for Powerful Communication

• Over-explaining often stems from wanting to feel heard and self-doubt (4:19-5:38)
• Leaving space and silence in speech increases authority and impact (2:38-3:35)
• Over-explaining actually decreases trust instead of building it (5:38-6:49)
• Simple, clear language is more powerful than complicated explanations (3:35-4:19)
• Eliminate filler words to improve clarity and listening ability (9:26-10:12)
• Speaking from the belly rather than throat increases authority (10:49-11:24)

“Simple is a skill, simple is an art. And it’s also something most people do not do, but it’s something that also brings out this authority and gravitas and power.”

“The real thing that’s underlying us over-explaining ourselves and the deeper level of the cause, the root cause of this is self-doubt.”

“Over-explaining does the exact opposite of what you intend. It makes you sound like you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“To feel like you are truly competent and powerful, what you really need to do is start to land with clarity in your language.”

“Less information is more what you’re doing for people. When you cull the information to the one simple thing, it actually helps them use their brain less.”

“Having space, gaps in your speaking, having crisp, clear language, and also not over-explaining yourself are all key to this.”

NICOLE

Hello friends, I’m Nicole Tsong. Welcome back to the School of Self-Worth. I am so excited for today’s topic and I’m going to keep today’s episode short and sweet. In honor of the topic, this quick episode is all about how to stop over-explaining yourself. This one gets a ton of attention and questions from my clients so I decided to condense it all into an episode, just for you.

Before we get started, if you are a high-achieving Asian American corporate leader who wants to end emotional reactivity and reclaim your power, DM me power@nicolesong on Instagram and let’s chat. Okay friends, let’s dive into this super fun topic.

Welcome to the School of Self-Worth, a podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we get on the right side of your intuition, redefine success and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host Nicole Tsong, an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a bestselling author of three books and work-life balance expert, helping ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfillment and radical joy. Every single week I will bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life who share insight about what it takes to be brave, joyful and authentic every day.

Every episode is thoughtfully designed to leave you feeling empowered with tangible tips and advice that will lead you to your next breakthrough.

All right, let’s go with true confessions here. Have you ever seen somebody get that glazed look in their eye while you’re talking? So it could be they’re distracted or they have something else on their mind. It’s also highly possible that you are over-explaining yourself. I used to be guilty of this all the time when I was a reporter. I know I over-explained myself constantly to my editors about what was happening, all the details, and I gave them so much more information than they truly really needed. But when I became a yoga teacher, I really had to learn to keep my language crisp and clear. And that was the way I could be the most effective teacher, the most powerful, the most impactful.

But I had to work on this so much. I had to work on allowing silence and space. And if you are someone who never allows silence and space, this is a really big practice to start, to adopt and to learn. And I tell you, once I learned what I’m going to share with you today, it did wonders for my teaching, for my authority in class, and for my ability to speak powerfully to people. Whether I was guiding and teaching or if I was having a conversation with somebody who might have something I desired, or if I wanted to be speaking to a group that I didn’t know and I was looking to command and have authority – having space, gaps in your speaking, having crisp, clear language, and also not over explaining yourself are all key to this. So today we’re really going to get into this. And it starts with this really simple question.

Do you ever wonder if you are over-explaining yourself? Because if you’re wondering if you are, you probably are. Simple is a skill, simple is an art. And it’s also something most people do not do, but it’s something that also brings out this authority and gravitas and power. If you ever watch a really incredible public speaker, they leave so much space for while they’re talking. They use simple, clear language. They don’t use big words that are hard to understand. They don’t complicate what they’re speaking about. They get to the point.

So before we get into how to do this, it begs the question, why do we even over-explain ourselves to begin with? And typically it’s coming from this place of wanting to feel heard. You want people to acknowledge that what you’re sharing is important, that what you’re saying has impact, that everyone knows your reasoning and you really care about whether they’re getting what you’re saying. And if we put this into a work environment, you typically want to prove, especially if it’s like a boss or somebody above you, that you know what you’re talking about. But the real thing that’s underlying us over-explaining ourselves and the deeper level of the cause, the root cause of this, is self-doubt. You are wondering if you’re making the right call. You want to prove that you’re competent because you’re not totally sure that you’re competent. You might feel worried that they think you’re not that bright or they shouldn’t have hired you, or you’re not in the right position, or you didn’t think it through all the way. And for my Asian American women listening, cultural conditioning plays so much into this, where we are constantly questioning ourselves because we’re worried about what other people think.

You’ve probably been trained through your parents to care about what other people think, that the whole and the collective is more important and valuable than the individual. So as a result, you questioned yourself all the time and you might have really been looking to other people to validate you. And that’s what leads so many of us to over-explain ourselves. The thing is, over-explaining does the exact opposite of what you intend. It makes you sound like you don’t know what you’re talking about. Weird, right? But it’s true if you think about it. If you ask someone a question and you want them to give you an answer, but then they give you all the reasons for their answer, and they are giving you more information than you’re asking for, how do you feel about that? I know when that happens, I start to feel a little impatient, and I start to feel like, wow, can they just get to the point and give me the answer to what I asked for? Why are they telling me all of these other things? And it makes people start to doubt what you’re sharing, and it doesn’t build the trust that you’re actually hoping for. It can actually decrease that.

So to feel like you are truly competent and powerful, what you really need to do is start to land with clarity in your language. So there are two pieces to what I’m going to share today, and we’re going to get into it, but I want to just give you this simple metaphor before I get into it. It’s kind of the equivalent. We live in a world where there’s so much choice, and it’s like you’re getting onto the Internet and you’re asking a question, and you Google something simple, like white T-shirt, and you get literally hundreds of thousands of hits. That’s what it can feel like to be on the receiving end of somebody over-explaining themselves. So it’s really essential. You can just say hey, this is my favorite T-shirt because it has the best fabric and it’s the best price. Point. It’s so comfortable. It looks stylish with everything. Would you take that T-shirt or would you want Google to find out more? I know I would rather just take the recommended shirt, because you just want a simple freaking T-shirt. So this is what we’re trying to do, is to get you to the place where you can be the person who’s saying, here’s my recommendation, and isn’t it amazing? And they’re like, yes, thank you so much. Simplicity is key because we live in a world that really values too much information.

I don’t even know if we value it, but that’s our experience. You can’t go to the store and buy toothpaste. You have to look at, you know, 10 to 20 kinds of toothpaste to decide the kind of toothpaste that you want. I know for myself, I would probably rather just have two or three options and pick one. So how can we get into this simple place? And actually, less information is more what you’re doing for people. When you cull the information to the one simple thing, it actually helps them use their brain less. 

That’s frankly what they want. They’re making tons of decisions. They’ve got a full plate. And what they want is a simple, quick way to get to the heart of what you’re working on, especially in your job. So I’m going to talk about the two pieces of this that are really going to make a difference for you to start to pay attention to the language that you’re using. 

The first piece of this is really important – that is, to start to pay attention to the kind of language that you’re using. Are you using a lot of filler words? And filler words are words like, “I don’t know, maybe we want to do this. Hold on, hold on. I’m thinking, wait a second.” Just all unnecessary words. And when you use them frequently, they are actually doing something deeper and more challenging in that they are interrupting your ability to listen. They are preventing you from listening to what the other person is saying, and they’re interrupting your ability to listen to what you need to say and to really be clear on what you’re saying. Your brain is getting all jumbled with that. So when you’re using filler words, it means you’re taking even longer to share, and it is taking out the authority in your voice. It most likely means that you’re not tuning into what is most important to share, then people start getting that glazed look in their eyes. People want the highlights.

So start by paying attention to the filler words. How often are you using them? What context are you using them in? Could you even start to play with cutting some of them out and really noticing your language? The other thing that I’ve been doing this whole time is to pay attention to your voice. Are you speaking from a high voice that’s always leaving a question mark at the end? Like, every time you talk, you’re letting it go into an upswing, or are you speaking from authority? Are you actually letting your voice drop into your belly? And are you landing the ends of your sentences with that authoritative punch? The more you do this, the easier it is for people to believe what you are saying because you’re speaking from that place of command. And perhaps you’ve worked on this. A lot of women have worked on it, or at least are aware of this, it’s still really important. I find lots of people are always doing that upswing at the end of their sentences. They’re not really committing and landing their voice into it. And this is something I learned. This is a technique I learned in yoga, which I’m going to hand to you because it’s a really helpful one, is to just start by saying ‘hum’ and notice if it’s in your throat. And when you’re in your throat, your voice is going to be higher, much more in your head. But if you say ‘hum’ and then you let the hum drop to your belly, you can really feel more power hum down into your belly, you’ll be speaking with so much more of that deeper resonance. It brings in a level of power that they don’t have.

Listen to me talk this way versus listening to me talking from my belly. And so this is a place for you to really begin. Notice those filler words. Notice where you are speaking from. Is it your throat or your belly? And even making these two really small simple changes can make all the difference in the world for you to notice if you’re over-explaining yourself and to stop doing it. 

If this is landing with you and resonating with you, please screenshot this episode, share it out, tag me and let me know – and DM me any thoughts you have or any questions you have once you start to bring these practices into play. And if you’re a high-achieving Asian American corporate leader who wants to really bring in this power and authority to end the emotional reactivity and over-explaining, DM me power@nicoletsong on Instagram and let’s have a conversation. I’ve got something over there for you. 

All right friends, thanks so much for joining us for this week of the School of Self-Worth and I can’t wait to see you next time. Thank you so much for tuning into today’s episode! Before you go, I want to remind you that if you are a high-achieving woman looking to uncover your biggest blind spots that prevent fast, intuitive decisions, I have a special 72-second assessment for you. Make sure to DM me the word “quiz” on Instagram @nicoletsong. We truly appreciate your presence and feedback. We read every note we receive about how the podcast is making a difference in your life. Please know how much we value each and every one of you. 

Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is the School of Self-Worth.