Overcoming Generational Trauma with Elisa Stad

• Navigating dual cultures (8:09)
• Overcoming the pain of generational trauma (13:54)
• Shaping your self-worth through understanding hardships (15:46)
• Understanding the deep impact of generational differences (18:41)

“A lot of the time I felt there was a stereotype that all Asians were super smart and super successful, and they’re not. They’re regular human beings.”

“The problem is what mirrors around us are these American families that didn’t come from war. They didn’t get separated from their families. They had food at their table. So it’s just hard to put those two pieces together because your neighbors all look happy having their life, but then you have a mother screaming at you about getting your homework done.”

“Culturally, we’re taught to just like, put our head down and get it done”

“I realized that after writing this book…not just this mom in the book or not just my mother, but many, many parents show their love in different ways, and that kind of pivoted my understanding of my worthiness.”

NICOLE

Hello, friends. This is the School of Self-Worth. Welcome back. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong. Today, you get to be part of such a groundbreaking conversation with author Elisa Stad. She is the author of the children’s book Mama’s Love Language. First of all, I loved the book, which is about the experience of a child having a biracial upbringing with her Asian mom and her white dad, very similar to Elisa’s experience. We also delve into what inspired her to write the book and share that story.

I found everything about our conversation to be so deep, compelling, and expansive. Make sure to listen to that part of it. I also reflect on the growth of our country, where one of the fastest-growing populations is people who identify as biracial. Whether you know someone who’s biracial or you are biracial yourself, there’s so much to explore and learn here today. Stay tuned for this incredible episode.

And if you are a high-achieving Asian American woman who wants to manifest a promotion in 60 days while working 20% fewer hours, DM “promotion” to me on Instagram at @NicoleTsong. I’ve got something there for you.

Alright, friends, let’s get rolling on this expansive and amazing conversation.

Welcome to the School of Self-Worth, a podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we align with your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host, Nicole Song, an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a bestselling author of three books and a work-life balance expert, helping ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfillment and radical joy. Every week, I bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life who share insights about what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic every day. Each episode is thoughtfully designed to leave you feeling empowered with tangible tips and advice that will lead you to your next breakthrough.

Elisa, thank you so much for coming on to the School of Self Worth. I’m so glad to have you with us.

ELISA STAD

Thank you for having me, Nicole. Can’t wait to have a conversation together.

NICOLE

Yeah, and there’s so much to talk about. I really want to talk about your book. What I want to dig into first is really the journey to getting to this book. I know it’s probably been an extensive one, but I would love to hear more about how you got to this place, especially in the context of self-worth, which is our podcast’s focus. I love hearing people’s journeys to where they are in their self-worth journey. So, from the very beginning, whatever feels right for you.

ELISA STAD

Okay. Yeah, I’d love to share. My book talks about this little girl named Jade who understands her parents and herself through their experiences from two different parts of the world. That story is very similar to mine, with a father who is American Caucasian and a mother who is Vietnamese Chinese with a very strong accent. That’s how I grew up, and as a kid, I didn’t have a clear identity. With my Asian family, they talked about how tall I was, how American I looked, how my nose was not as flat, and other details. With my American family, it was much more formal. We sat down at a dinner table with napkins on our laps and had more serious conversations.

From my childhood, I felt more like a chameleon, always adapting rather than understanding my own self-worth and worthiness. I was very shy, didn’t talk much, and was very observant. I think I had to observe to know how to react in different situations. Fast forward, not only were my parents from two different parts of the world, we also moved around quite a lot.

We started in LA, then moved to where my extended family was in Hong Kong, where I went to British school. I even had a British accent. I was living in Asia but felt more American. With American parents, I didn’t necessarily fit in there either. Afterward, we moved to San Francisco, then to Idaho. In my classes, there were no children who looked like me. Maybe one Asian person, no African Americans, and maybe one Hispanic. I felt not included in terms of appearance and existence. My mother, five foot two with a strong accent, living in Idaho, of all places.

My upbringing defined my quest to understand my self-worth. Different phases in my life were spent understanding it. The first was when I moved to California for college, where more people mirrored me. I noticed people who looked like me could be beautiful and valuable. Speaking another language is a value to a community. In university, where there was segregation in terms of groups, I still navigated where I stood. I then went to Hong Kong for an internship. In Qingdao, Shandong province in China, I was one of five interns and the only one not fully Asian.

I felt an affinity to my Asian side. Living in the US, my background seemed exotic and interesting. Foods like pho, which I once felt embarrassed about, became cool. My mother stored loads of jackfruit and canned goods, which I wasn’t proud to share when young. My discovery of self began in college, realizing it’s okay to be from two worlds. It continued in my career when I worked in Asia as an adult. I realized it was a superpower to connect with different demographics, whether locals speaking Cantonese or expats in Hong Kong.

The final piece, related to the book, was motherhood. Understanding my own experiences and the friction with my mother, feeling uncomfortable about being Chinese growing up. My mother’s involvement in my parenting also influenced me. This book idea has been with me since I was 15, but the story truly began when I had kids. Flying back and forth for work, I wanted to tell the story I needed to hear as a child. Speaking about self-worth, I was very shy as a kid.

I was very observant. And now I’m trying to open up my voice to share what it’s like, hopefully to give support to other young people who have parents that may have an accent. They don’t have to be Asian; it could be anything. Or a parent that may be more hard-headed and one that’s a little more soft-spoken. And how does that work? At the end of the day, this book was written because I think all parents love their kids, and I wanted to share that with youth.

NICOLE

Beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story. There are so many things that I related to personally as you were talking about it. There’s always that experience when you are born into the United States and you’re different in coloring and background. How do you navigate that? It sounds like for you, and based on what I read in Mama’s Love Language, this was happening within your home. Your dad probably reflected a lot of the school culture, and your mom had an accent, was cooking foods people thought were weird, and did all of those things. You navigated both of those worlds. That’s a very common experience for any child of immigrants, navigating two worlds, but you were doing it within one home, which is what I really saw in the book.

I’m curious about that. You spent a lot of time in Asia as well. Did it get worse or more intense sometimes being over there and looking? You know, I always felt this when I’ve been in Asia, too. They’re like, you’re kind of weird. You look like us, but you’re American, and it’s a strange experience over there.

ELISA STAD

Actually, in Asia, they’re very direct, which I guess I’m used to with my Asian mom and that family. Very direct in saying what they think you look like or how much money you make. I actually felt more acceptance living in Asia than in the US because I never took it personally. I just brushed it off, like, oh, yeah, that’s what my aunt would say to me. They would definitely say, “Oh, you don’t really fit in here.” In the US, I felt like they tried to make everyone fit in, but I didn’t fit in. No one said anything; I just felt it.

As an adult working in Asia, I felt honored and worthy to be there. My self-worth expanded slightly, like a crack going there as an adult and starting my career.

NICOLE

That’s fascinating. That’s really cool. And you said it changed again when you had children. Could you get into that more? Were you feeling challenged about your worthiness? What came up for you with having kids?

ELISA STAD

My mother raised me very strictly. Going to school, checking the box, eating your food, being healthy—that was it. No coddling or saying, “I love you” or “It’s okay, you tried your best.” As a parent with three young kids now, my Chinese mother would wag her finger and say, “You should do this, you should do that.” It was difficult because there are things I appreciate from my childhood and some things I did not want to do. I didn’t want to beat my kids with a stick or yell.

My kids don’t have the fear I had as a kid, but maybe they aren’t as disciplined. This made me reflect on what I want to carry forward and what to toss out. Criticism from a parent can be taken personally. I felt judgment and shame from my mom’s feedback. I wanted her to say she was proud of me, but it’s just not in her wheelhouse. I remember being very upset for years until I wrote this book.

Writing the book made me realize that she doesn’t need to say it. It’s just accepted that she does. Not just this mom in the book, or my mother, but many parents show their love in different ways. This realization pivoted my understanding of my worthiness. I realized this is just how it is. I have to embrace where I come from, as this moulded who I am today. I’m going to give what I can but not carry resentment. No one does it perfectly. Every generation and situation is different.

My mother came from the Vietnam War, and she was a refugee. She’s experienced a lot of trauma and fear in her upbringing. She carried it to me, like finishing everything on my plate and appreciating school because she couldn’t finish school herself. Writing this book helped me release and understand these things.

NICOLE

I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently with parents who’ve been through so much trauma. Many of us raised in the US had parents who experienced war and significant traumas in their childhood or at some point in their lives. My dad fled the mainland to Hong Kong in 1949, experiencing trauma when he was young. My mom, who is Taiwanese, had Japan occupy Taiwan when she was a kid. She had older siblings who spoke only Japanese until their teenage years. Growing up, we hear these stories but don’t understand the trauma. As adults, we recognize it. I don’t expect my parents to go through therapy now, but I can have compassion for how hard it must have been to grow up that way.

ELISA STAD

I think that’s why I love your work. Focusing on AAPI and women is important. Culturally, we’re taught to put our head down and get it done. My mother and likely your parents faced bombs outside their house and had to escape for their lives. My mom came here at 27, got a new name, barely spoke English, and found a job. She’s one of twelve kids. Many in my immigrant family still carry trauma. My mother did okay in comparison, but many didn’t assimilate well, wore Salvation Army clothes, had accents, and worked factory jobs. They never broke out of that cycle. It makes me sad that hasn’t changed for the entire family. It takes each generation to make steps forward, and hopefully, bring everyone along. The American dream doesn’t just happen; it’s not easy.

I felt there was a stereotype that all Asians were super smart and successful, but they are regular human beings. My uncle became a doctor, while others worked in factories. Our generation carries these stereotypes, but we now have more opportunities for voices and stories to be told. We’re starting to see it in media and arts, which is exciting.

NICOLE

It’s important as adults to see this more, especially through motherhood. It’s work I’ve done over the years, understanding how my parents raised us, recognizing some of it is cultural and some due to their childhood experiences. My mom also came over at 27. Moving to a new country without speaking the language, changing everything to live there for the rest of your life is wild. I always think about how dramatic and intense that must be. Here we are, American kids, thinking everything has always been fine. It’s such a different experience. As we get older, we understand how big that is. Thank you for sharing that piece.

ELISA STAD

Thank you, too. We hear the trauma stories but don’t understand. The American families around us didn’t experience war, separation, or food scarcity. It’s hard to reconcile those two pieces. While neighbors looked happy, you had a mother screaming at you about homework. But becoming a mother helps you understand where it comes from—a good place, though the delivery may be different. It comes from love.

NICOLE

Totally. My mom is a service love language as well. They didn’t tell me they loved me until well into college. A lot of families think that’s strange, but they really didn’t.

Everything was good, though. They were always home for dinner, and my mom cooked every meal. There was a lot of love in different ways. As an adult, I’ve realized they now say “I love you” because I always tell them that, so they say it too. It’s become the way we do things. I feel love from them in many ways, and I’ve had to see it, like in a partnership. You see their acts of service, and I like to verbalize it. We come together around those things. I’m curious, what prompted you to write the book? What got you to that place of writing a children’s book specifically?

ELISA STAD

I have been obsessed with different cultures since I was young, especially minority cultures. I was interested in Native Americans, learning about them in fourth grade. I think the story of allowing these unseen voices and iconic figures was important. When I was a kid, the only Asian American woman I remember being significant was Connie Chung. There weren’t many Asian actresses. My kids are mixed race, and I wanted them to have something they could identify with.

Since my kids were born, I’ve taught their classes about Lunar New Year, from preschool to this day. When I moved to Santa Barbara, I realized many kids had never heard of Lunar New Year, never had a dumpling, or seen a red envelope. Initially, I wanted to write a book about Lunar New Year, but I thought, what’s my story to share with these children? It evolved into a young girl understanding her mother’s love and realizing her identity.

This idea came to me as I traveled back and forth between Hong Kong and San Francisco. I realized I have the superpower of connecting with both worlds. In Hong Kong, I love speaking Cantonese, negotiating on the streets, and visiting local restaurants. My world is so broad and big now. I wished little Elisa would have known this. The book follows the journey of self-worth starting at a young age. Books allow dialogue, sparking conversations between child and parent, or educator and parent.

NICOLE

I got that. I haven’t had the experience of having one parent who’s white and one who’s Asian. Both my parents are Chinese. I loved what you shared because it’s fascinating. All kids struggle with belonging, and the book illustrated so well the experience of having that split within the house. How do we find that belonging? What was it like for you to write and publish a children’s book?

ELISA STAD

Good question. After writing the book, I did events during AAPI month in San Francisco. Mixed race is one of the fastest-growing demographics. Writing, as any artist knows, it’s difficult to put your story out there. I had a lot of insecurity, written it five years before publishing, edited it like 40 times. I was nervous about what everyone would think because it’s me, my story.

My kids encouraged me to push it to the end. My ten-year-old son would ask about the book. During COVID, I wrote it and thought about it. His teachers mentioned it, and my kids were so proud. Their pride made me realize I had to make it happen. The day it got published, friends and family knew about it.

Ethan came to me and said, “Mom, I’m really proud of you.” That was the reason to write the book and talk about self-worth. When it goes full circle, when this story is talking about the mother-child relationship, and I’m doing that in my own life, it was very fulfilling. Writing a book—everyone has books in their heads. Getting it out there is another story. We talked about artist’s block, writer’s block, but you need something to keep you moving. It’s not a task if you have a mission behind it that you really believe in. For me, it wasn’t just about writing a book. It was about opening a dialogue for conversations around being multiracial, which I’m passionate about because that’s how I grew up. There’s a lot of work happening in companies now with DEI and recognizing everyone as they are. This book is a tool to continue those conversations.

NICOLE

I love that story about your son. It’s so beautiful. It must have made all the challenges of writing the book worth it when he said that. I agree, too. It addresses the growing group of multiracial, mixed-race people. Putting your own story out there is vulnerable. It doesn’t matter how many times you do it; it requires a different level of confidence that people will receive the story.

ELISA STAD

Yes, I think I cried once I got all the feedback from everyone, the reviews, and people reading it and saying they cried. It was very rewarding. I always thought I would write it and hide in a hole, but as you know, as an author, you have to go out there, connect with the community, read your book, and promote it. It takes a lot of energy, but I realize those are the times I feel the biggest return on investment. I can have conversations with my readers and their parents about how they felt about the book and what interested them. I encourage anyone out there to just do it if you feel called to share your story. I’m happy we have books to share.

NICOLE

Totally. I’m curious, have you read it to your mom? Has your mom read it?

ELISA STAD

Good question. I had a pre-published copy, and she read it. She didn’t know I was going to publish it. She said, “Pretty good. You should publish it.” And then I said, “Okay.” My sister didn’t say anything. That’s a whole other story. When it was published, they were talking to their friends in their workout community. One of the women, a Caucasian woman, said, “You must be really proud of your daughter.” My mom said, “Oh, yeah, I am proud.” She never told me, but my sister told me that my mom was proud. I invited them to one of the readings I did with about 40 kids in the room. My dad was beaming, glowing, and said, “I’m really proud of you, sweetheart.” My mom, as I read, wasn’t looking at me. She was looking around the room. She can’t deal with emotion. That’s her love language. She feels it but can’t express it directly. I finally got it from her. Maybe I wrote it for them to say “I’m proud.” She is proud. She said it to my sister. It’s like a telephone game in our family.

NICOLE

I relate to that as well. It’s beautiful that she read it, and it sounds like she is very proud of you, even if she doesn’t articulate it directly.

ELISA STAD

Yeah, I saw one of her aunts at a family reunion. She said, “It took your mother 40 years to hug me.” She thought maybe my mom didn’t like her, but after she read my book, she understood that’s just how she is.

NICOLE

So sweet. It’s great that it came back around that way. Breaking generational cycles by putting the story out there and for your mom to start opening up more towards you is lovely. Elisa, what a beautiful conversation. Are you ready for some rapid-fire questions to close it out? They’re simple and fun. What was the last thing you watched on television?

ELISA STAD

I haven’t watched TV in a while. I think with my kids, we watched Young Sheldon.

NICOLE

Awesome. What’s on your nightstand?

ELISA STAD

A book called Sapiens.

NICOLE

I’ve heard of it. What was the last time you tried something new, and what was it?

ELISA STAD

I tried Jazzercise, which is new for me. I think they’ve been doing this since the 1970s. Three weeks ago, I joined a gym with a bunch of seventy and eighty-six-year-old women. It was really fun.

NICOLE

That’s awesome. Jazzercise is really fun. What are your top three most-used emojis on your phone?

ELISA STAD

The happy face and the red heart.

NICOLE

Amazing. Elisa, what a joy to meet you and hear your story. Thank you for being so generous with your story. What’s the best way for people to reach you or get your book?

ELISA STAD

You can get my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble, anywhere books are sold. I have an Instagram: @mamaslovelanguage (one word). My website is elisad.com. There’s more information about me, a newsletter, and you can learn more about Asian culture and educating your kids on multiracial families.

NICOLE

Beautiful. We’ll link all of that in the show notes as well. Elisa, thank you so much for being here and sharing your story. It was a joy to connect with you and get the word out on Mama’s Love Language.

ELISA STAD

Thank you so much, Nicole, a pleasure.

NICOLE

Thank you so much for tuning into today’s episode. Before you go, if you are a high-achieving woman who wants to uncover your biggest blind spots preventing fast intuitive decisions, I have a 72-second assessment for you. DM me “quiz” on Instagram at @NicoleTsong.

Thank you for being here and listening. We read every note about how the podcast is making a difference in your life. We appreciate each and every one of you. Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is the School of Self-Worth.