3 Main Causes of Overwhelm

• You have a say in the emotions you feel, overwhelm included (2:41)
• The debilitating nature of the Asian Pressure Cycle (5:37)
• The deep pressure of trying to feel worthy (11:27)
• Reprogramming the way you think about your own preferences (14:15)

QUOTES: 

“Overwhelm is caused by thinking. Overwhelm is literally a thinking problem.”

“Self awareness and understanding really bring so much insight. So when you can start to be aware of the things that are causing this deep level of pressure, this experience of overwhelm, that’s when you can start to move to the other side.”

“Asian culture tends to value the collective. They value the whole. You wanted to make sure your parents were okay, your siblings, your neighbors, your friends, your coworkers… And then on top of it, you’re probably trying to make sure that they are proud. And when we get into this kind of pressure, that’s pretty intense.“

NICOLE

Hello, friends. Welcome back to the School of Self -Worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong. I’ve been hearing from a lot of you that you’re feeling this very potent, intense combination of feelings and  experiences of being unmotivated and overwhelmed. And when you get into this headspace, it can be particularly difficult to make your way out of it. But today I’m going to talk about the three main causes of overwhelm for immigrant daughters, and I will be covering them in detail, and also give you one simple tool you can put into practice right away to move yourself out of it today. This is an episode you do not want to miss. Before we get started, if you are an ambitious, mission-driven Asian American woman who wants to break generational cycles by manifesting a promotion in 60 days, while working 20% fewer hours, DM me ‘dream’ on Instagram @ Nicole Tsong. I’ve got something for you.

All right, friends, let’s dig into this amazing conversation. Welcome to the School of Self -Worth, a podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we get on the right side of your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong, an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a best-selling author of three books and work/life balance expert helping ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfillment and radical joy.

Every single week, I will bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life who share insight about what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic every day. Every episode is thoughtfully designed to leave you feeling empowered with tangible tips and advice that will lead you to your next breakthrough.

All right, friends, if you tend to feel overwhelmed and your motivation feels drained, it is not a fact. It might feel like a fact sometimes. You’re like, “I cannot even tell you, Nicole, how many things are on my list.” Yes, and it is a feeling, not a fact. So when it is a feeling, this is the cool part of it: it is also something you have a say in. It’s not something that you are a victim of, something that you’re never going to be able to shift. And the reason it’s a feeling—let’s get into this part of it. The reason it is a feeling is because you feel overwhelmed when you sit down at your computer to answer emails, and all of these things are colliding in your brain. And so you feel completely overwhelmed. You feel exhausted. You’re like, “I cannot keep going.” Not to mention, if you’re really going for it at work, you’re trying to be more visible, you’re trying to advocate for yourself, and you feel like you couldn’t possibly do any of these things when you’re feeling this way.

Who could be motivated in that situation? When there is such a stir in your brain?  I wouldn’t be motivated either. And I know what it’s like to get into a state of being overwhelmed, because I also experience this. It’s something that I have really worked through over the years, which is why I’m going to get into what the causes are and also how to move through it. At the same time, when you’re in it, it feels so deep. It feels like this whirlpool that’s sucking you down and you cannot escape. But here’s the thing, how could you expect to be motivated when you have a list 20 miles long and you’re sinking under the weight of it?  I don’t think anybody could feel motivated in that situation. But I have also found that for immigrant daughters, in particular, there is a special reason for this feeling, and there are some causes that you may not have considered. So I’m really excited to share those with you. I know that this will make such a difference for you. It makes a difference for my clients when we start to identify these different layers and levels of challenge, and what is actually creating this whirlpool challenge situation.

So this is what I call the Asian pressure cycle. And when you see it laid out, like I’m about to do, it can be pretty tough to look at, like, “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe that I’m being buried under this a little bit.”

But there’s also a gem, and this is what I always think about. Self-awareness and understanding really bring so much insight. When you can start to be aware of the things that are causing this deep level of pressure, this experience of being overwhelmed, that’s when you can start to move to the other side. So I think there’s a lot of value in looking at it, dissecting it, and understanding it,  then you can know how to make a shift. So we’re going to dig in just a moment on the Asian pressure cycle, and I’m also going to share my experience of a lot of these things.  Even for me to this day, there are some that I’m still excavating. There are still some that I’m uncovering and recognizing like, “Wow, that’s really what’s causing me to feel this way.”  And when the perfectionism comes up or that high pressure comes up, like I must execute a certain way, I have to go back and look which of these three is causing it? Is it one? Is it two? Is it all three? And when I can do that, I actually start to free myself up. I’m like, “Oh, right, this is just something that’s occurring to me. It’s not something that I have to allow in to experience.”

So let’s get into this Asian pressure cycle:

The first one is the one that I often like to skip. It’s the one that I don’t like to look at all the time. And it’s a really important one, and this is when you are in the habit of making other people happy. This particular kind of pressure comes up a lot in Asian families. Asian culture tends to value the collective. They value the whole, so when you’re looking at the collective and the whole, your job is to make other people happy. That’s literally what it looks like, making sure everybody is okay. You might have grown up doing that. You wanted to make sure your parents were okay, your siblings, your neighbors, your friends, your co-workers. And so you’re always trying to make sure they’re okay. And then on top of it, you’re probably trying to make sure that they are proud.  If your parents sacrificed in any way, and if they’re immigrants, they likely sacrificed in quite a few ways. You want to make sure that their sacrifice was worth it. You want to make sure that they are feeling like, “Wow, my kids are doing so well. All that sacrifice was a good thing.”  And so you might have goals that are now about what other people want, rather than what you want.

When we get into this kind of pressure, that’s pretty intense. You’re always trying to make other people happy. The people-pleaser in you gets really extreme in the situation. And it can be very difficult to know yourself underneath that pressure.  That pressure is always around other people. It’s an important distinction to make it seem like, am I doing this for myself or am I doing it to make other people happy?

So this first one I feel is very particular to Asian American women, to immigrant children who come from cultures where that wholeness is more important. Because the other piece of it is to remember that we live in a very individualist culture in the United States.  It’s all about standing out, speaking up, advocating for yourself. And now you’re in this, I think of it as this pull from two different directions. It’s like a little tug-of-war over which one I listen to. Culture society basically does this. Diet culture, for example – your body is not the right shape. It’s not the right size. It’s not the right height. Your skin color is wrong. There’s also a consumer culture that’s telling us our current lives are not enough. You better go buy a new car or you make sure you upgrade your make-up, or you make sure you get a different outfit. That’s when you’re going to be enough. So you look around, and now you have to work out. If you have that kind of muscle or that kind of body, then you will be enough.

Everyone experiences this one. It’s constantly telling us you should not be satisfied with the life that you have. And that wears on us. It’s sort of this constant undertone. We are living like fish in a bowl of water, is this not enough water? And it’s everywhere. So when you can start to see that that is putting pressure on you, like I am trying to go for things in my job or I’m trying to change my job or earn more money, or any of the things that you’re feeling are coming from this constant ‘not enough’. Or I find often for many women, it’s also this deeper sense of unease, like something is wrong with my life as it is. And if you’re noticing that coming up, it’s really worthwhile to understand that you were raised that way. You were raised in a place that says that all the time. And we also have to watch that our brains have a big negativity bias. As soon as that idea is planted, it’s so easy to spiral down.  So understand that this is where we exist. This is where we live. But this is also a very big part of the Asian pressure cycle.

Okay, this leads me to the third part. This one is about assimilation. So as a woman of color, you’ve probably spent your whole life trying to assimilate and be accepted. You want to belong. You want other people to approve of your choices. You want to fit in with everybody else. And you’re doing it in a culture that isn’t always kind or welcoming, or open to your experiences. So this is pretty much any experience you ever had as a kid, where maybe someone made fun of the lunch you were eating, or commented on your eyes, or your hair, or your skin tone or anything. And when you’ve spent your whole life trying to get approval from people who may never approve of you, can you notice and observe for yourself how much pressure that has created?

Again, that’s the way you grow up when you are a woman of color, an immigrant daughter in this country. And the more you can start to understand that it could be causing the pressure you’re experiencing, it’s really helpful. To me, it’s freeing. It’s like, “Oh, wow, that’s just me trying to be accepted and trying to make myself someone who I am not, instead of coming back to who I really am.”   

It’s helpful to also understand how much energy you have spent doing this and actually what a waste of energy it is to try to get people to accept you, because the truth is acceptance is about so many more things than what other people think. But understand that you have exerted a tremendous amount of effort your whole life for that, and you may not even have recognized what a toll that has taken.

I know a lot of this sounds like you’re trying to make everyone happy and starting to really say, “Okay, I’m going to try to accommodate this particular pressure.” I find that feeling overwhelmed can come from any of these things. It’s very common to feel overwhelmed even thinking about one of them, and you might recognize that all three could be at play at any given time. So, we are going to look at the simplest way to start moving out of this pressure cycle.

We’re going to use one of my absolute favorite strategies from the Asian Visibility System. Some of you may have heard this one before, but the reason I keep sharing it is because this is a practice we have to do every day, literally for the rest of our lives.  When you are someone who’s always trying to make other people happy or are in a perfectionist mode, it’s so essential to do this practice. So this practice is about learning your own preferences.

When we are in a constant state of deferral or trying to make other people happy or get their approval, the way we usually do it is by asking what they want. Like, how do they feel? What do they want first?  Women do this a lot in relationships. I see this a lot with women, my clients, around their families. They’re always making sure that their spouse or their kids come first, rather than seeing what they need. So the gem here is for you to learn your own preferences and learn what you want. And the way to understand and see what your preferences are, is to do a really simple experiment.

Think about the next time you’re going to go out for a meal with a good friend, where you guys haven’t planned the meal. Then look and see if you can decide what type of food –  where do you want to go eat? And if you’re anything like how I used to be, my preference was always like whatever she wants is good. I’m sure she’ll suggest something, and I’ll just go along with that. So if you’re that kind of person, this is the place for you to start to look and change that programming and understand that you do have preferences. You just need to start giving it a different association and train yourself to see that you do have something to say and that you are going to say it out loud.

I like to start with meals because I’m totally obsessed with food.  If you didn’t know that already about me, it’s one of my favorite things, and then it’s a really fun place for us to play. Like for me personally, this is where I started to practice stating my preferences.  I would always defer with friends to meals.  And then I was like, “No, no, no, I’m going to tell them, I want to eat Korean barbecue tonight. I’m going to tell them I want to try out that new Filipino restaurant, and I’m not going to die on this recommendation, but I am going to say it and see what they do.”  Then to my great shock, they pretty much almost always were like, “Yeah, totally, that sounds great.”  Unless there was some logistical reason they couldn’t do it.

So we want to practice and notice where we’re deferring to other people.  Even when my husband sometimes asks me what I want to eat or what I want to do, I have to be like, “Okay, Nicole, you do have a preference”, because my autopilot is to be like, “Whatever you want is fine.” So notice if you’re doing that.  I want you to just practice for this next meal with a friend. Where do you really want to eat? If you’re like me, I have a whole list on my phone. Where do you want to eat? What meal do you want to have? And then you’re going to message her and say, “Hey, I’m so excited to check out this new place. Do you want to go?” And  you’ll also discover that you can speak up with it. Now all of a sudden, there is no overwhelm. There is no craziness going on. You’re just like, “No, I’m clear. I do know. I’m not overwhelmed by all the millions of things that other people want me to do. I know what I need to do and what’s next for myself.”  

And I will say this preference practice is literally one you have to do for the rest of your life. This is not a simple one, you can’t do one-off, and you’re done. You actually need to keep working on it. So I want you to just at least practice it today, think about the next meal you’re going on with a friend, and then start to bring this into play. And also, if you’re going for the next level of this, I want you to notice every time you’re deferring to other people, maybe you don’t do this at work. You only do this in your personal life, but it matters, no matter what. Because if you’re doing it in your personal life, it is actually probably still happening at work in some way. Where do you defer? Where do you let other people speak first? Where do you let yourself hold back instead of going forward for the thing that you really, really want?

I want you to DM me. Let me know how this goes. Message me on Instagram at Nicole Tsong, and let me know what you discover. And if you’re an ambitious Asian American woman who wants to manifest your dream job or dream promotion in 60 days, message me ‘dream’ and let’s connect.

All right, friends, thanks so much. I’ll see you next week. Thank you so much for tuning into today’s episode. Before you go, don’t forget if you are a high-achieving woman who wants to uncover your biggest blind spots preventing fast, intuitive decisions, I’ve got a 72-second assessment for you. So make sure to DM me ‘quiz’ at Nicole Tsong on Instagram. And thank you for being here and for listening. We read every note that we get from you about how the podcast is making a difference in your life.

Please know how much we appreciate each and every one of you. Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong and this is the School of Self-worth.