When You Feel Like a Fraud

• Your identity is key part of creating meaningful change (5:53)
• Giving yourself permission to belong (9:05)
• How being kinder to yourself helps you navigate pressure  (9:59)

QUOTES: 

“I remember when I became a journalist and I would win awards, I still didn’t feel like I belonged as a journalist. And when you have this constant experience of never feeling like who you are is comfortable anywhere, it can feel really challenging.”

“What is the identity that you’re bringing in? If you keep bringing in this identity of ‘I’m a fraud. I’m an imposter. I don’t belong.’ You will continually invite in more of that energy.”

“Belonging is actually the root of the challenge for people who are feeling imposter syndrome.”

“Belonging doesn’t require anybody else to be involved. It doesn’t require me to get approval from other people. It’s just myself.”

NICOLE

Hello friends and welcome back to the School of Self-Worth!  I’m your host, Nicole Tsong, and today we are going to talk about a topic that I have personally grappled with my entire life, and still do sometimes, and I see this come up really frequently for my own plans, and this is: ‘Feeling like a fraud’.

There are so many layers to this conversation, and it’s really an important one for immigrant daughters, in particular, to work through so you can feel at ease in all of the worlds that you exist in, in all realms of your life. So stay tuned for this quick, powerful episode.

Before we get started, if you’re an ambitious Asian American woman who wants to manifest a promotion in 60 days, while working 20% fewer hours, DM me ‘dream’ at Nicole Tsong on Instagram, I’ve got something there for you.

All right, friends, let’s dive into this episode. Welcome to the School of Self -Worth, a podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we get on the right side of your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong, an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a best-selling author of three books and work/life balance expert, helping ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfillment and radical joy.

Every single week, I will bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life who share insight about what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic every day. Every episode is thoughtfully designed to leave you feeling empowered with tangible tips and advice that will lead you to your next breakthrough.

Okay, so this topic is about feeling like a fraud, which is huge for immigrant daughters who’ve probably spent a lifetime feeling like an imposter, so let’s just talk about where this comes from. How do we start to get to this place where we feel like we don’t belong? And one of the biggest pieces of this, I think, comes from growing up with immigrant parents where you actually experienced being ‘othered’ quite a bit in your life. Like you looked different. You might have spoken differently, or you might have spoken a different language with your parents. When you’re out in the world, in a world where this is not the accepted norm, you can often feel othered. And I had that a lot myself,  where you’re walking around and people are like, “Where are you from? Who are you? What are you?” They’re asking questions that don’t really make you feel like you belong.

So you can have that experience just out in the world, out in the street. But then as the child of immigrants, you can also have an experience of not feeling normal in your household. When I was a kid, I didn’t think that was so strange. But then I remember one day I had a friend come over, she was White, and she had never seen a whole fish with a head on, in her life. She was totally freaked out, but because I had grown up eating eyes, cheeks, etc, it was just super normal for me.

That experience can also make you feel like you don’t even belong in the home you’re in, because your parents don’t really understand why that would be a big deal. This is a lot of cultural stuff, but I remember when I was a kid, we did not eat hot dogs. That was not permitted in our house, and I always would be like, “Why can I have hot dogs? Everybody else eats hot dogs?”  Even those small experiences as a child can really make you start to feel like you don’t have a sense of belonging, and so when you start to build this situation, you start to look at how you grew up, then you can start to see where you might not feel like you belong anywhere – at school, at home, with your own friends, at the grocery store.  So when you feel like you never belong anywhere, you start to get into this place where you’re achieving all the time, you’re trying to make your parents happy, you’re trying to make them proud for all they’ve done for you.

And this is very much part of the collective culture, especially in Asian American cultures. You’re trying to make them happy and you’re working really hard, then you all of a sudden still have this sense like you’re a fraud – no matter where you go. It doesn’t matter what you do or how you achieve and how hard you go for things, you still never feel like you belong in those situations.

I remember even for myself, I went to Dartmouth College, and I know that some of you listening, you’re very high level in your jobs, and you’re still feeling like, “Oh my gosh, how did I get here? Who am I?”  And it’s important for us to understand that a lot of the way we think about ourselves and the way we think about our experiences, go back to what we experienced when we were kids, what we learned about ourselves when we were children, and then how we started to define ourselves and our identity back from that early stage.

So when you can start to break open into the awareness that this is what happened for you as a kid, this is that first step to start making a shift towards change, so that identity piece is a really big part of it. What is the identity that you’re bringing in? If you keep bringing in this identity of I’m a fraud, I’m an imposter, I don’t belong, you will continually invite in more of that energy. It’s how energy works. It’s how the law of attraction works. So the more you think it, the more you feel like a fraud, the more you wonder if you belong, the more you wonder if they made a mistake. Has anyone ever had that experience where you’re like, “Did they pick me? Was this the right choice?” And the more you feel that way, the more you’re going to feel that way. Like that will continue to occur, no matter if the outside world is actually aligning with that.

The important place is for us to start to look at that inside place of, “Okay, what is it that’s going on with me?”  So I’m going to share with you one really simple thing that I have done my whole life, once I started to understand that I could change this, that actually changed everything. This is such a simple thing that really makes such a difference, no matter what. Understanding who I really was, and then doing this thing I’m about to tell you about, of what I did to shift and allow myself to truly no longer feel like a fraud, even in challenging situations.  This is a supportive thing I’ve done in so many circumstances, rooms full of strangers, being a speaker in front of hundreds of people I don’t know, going on television, hosting my podcast and writing – which is the feeling of belonging!   

Belonging is actually the root of the challenge for people who are feeling the imposter syndrome. When you feel like you don’t belong, that’s when you feel like an imposter, so this is the part of what we have to get into. Like what is it for you that is causing that. It’s truly that lack, that disconnect from ‘I belong’, so this is the simple thing I’ve done, and we get into it deeper in my coursework and my framework.  We go through a step -by -step system of this, but this is the first step for you to start to understand, to start to see for yourself, and it might take a little while for you to truly believe this, but it’s still important to actually crack open the understanding that this is what you’ll need to feel this way, and what I would always do is just give myself permission to belong. I would be like, ”Nicole, you belong here.”  I didn’t need somebody else to tell me that I belonged. I never waited to hear other people tell me that I belonged.

When I was younger, that’s what I usually did. I would wait for other people to acknowledge me. I would wait for other people to make me feel part of things. Now I just tell myself that I belong here. I remember when I first joined my gym, and it’s a very connected community, everyone’s chatting all the time with each other, and I used to really feel like I didn’t belong, until I reminded myself that I do belong here. I belong here just because. I belong here because I’ve chosen to join this community. Like when I joined my tap community, I felt the same way. I felt like I didn’t belong, and I had to be like, “Nicole, you belong here.”

When I went into the studio to record my first time for New Day Northwest in Seattle, that was my first TV segment. I went in and I was like, “You belong here.”  You know, every time I’ve done something scary or challenging, I tell myself, “You belong here!”  I just give myself permission to belong. And it doesn’t require anybody else to be involved. It doesn’t require me to get approval from other people. It’s just myself. I just get to give myself permission for that. And I really recommend, if you’re experiencing this in your workplace, maybe you’ve gotten a promotion and you’re like, “I don’t really know if I deserve this, or if I’m going to be a good leader.”  You tell yourself, “I belong here.”  

Maybe you want to try a new movement class and you’re kind of scared because it’s a new community – but you can just be like, “I belong here.”  I’ve gone into Zoom rooms with like 200 strangers and I’m like, “Oh my gosh, should I be in this room?”  And I’m like, “Nope, I belong here.”  If you can experiment with this, and if you do it, DM me on Instagram @ Nicole Tsong. I want to hear that this is making a difference and that you are doing it, so we can just know that what we’re sharing and what I’m sharing here, is resonating with all of you.

All right, friends, thank you so much for being here. And again, if you want to learn the exact three -step system that I teach to master your authentic voice, the sense of belonging and manifest promotions using the Asian visibility system, DM me ‘dream’ @ Nicole Tsong on Instagram, and let’s chat.

Have a beautiful day, everyone. Thank you so much for tuning into today’s episode.

Before you go, don’t forget, if you are a high-achieving woman who wants to uncover your biggest blind spots preventing fast, intuitive decisions, I’ve got a 72-second assessment for you, so make sure to DM me ‘quiz’ at Nicole Tsong on Instagram, and thank you for being here and for listening. We read every note that we get from you about how the podcast is making a difference in your life.

Please know how much we appreciate each and every one of you. Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong and this is the School of Self-worth.