Unlocking the Power of Self-Worth — 4 Cultural Blocks

• Identifying the cause of hyper-achieving (06:39)
• What gets in the way of setting boundaries (10:11)
• Diving deeper into guilt and how this stems from cultural conditioning (13:21)
• Discovering the balance between prioritizing yourself and serving others (16:16)

“We live in a world that does not want you to own your worth. It does not want you to see your value because the system benefits and profits literally from you working like a fiend. …. This is true for women, and especially for Asian American women.”

“Setting boundaries comes also from us having this anchored experience of feeling worthy of time for ourselves, feeling worthy of creating space, and then releasing the idea that you have to feel bad for having boundaries for yourself. Once you start to do it …  other people will start to now recognize that your boundaries are totally valid.”

“While I do believe that people can guilt trip you, you don’t have to be the person that falls for it. Because when you let guilt drive things, I mean, guilt crashes your brain. It does all kinds of negative things to you, and it really keeps you from making choices that are the correct choices for you. Guilt also means that you’re in two places at once. You’re not present when you’re feeling guilty about a decision.”

“When you believe and subscribe to this idea that I have to sacrifice myself, those are the things to start to examine. … What makes you believe that that is actually going to be helpful to you or anybody that you love?

 Once you can start to pick that apart for yourself and move that identity and shift yourself into the identity of, like, I get to put myself first, that’s when you can start to really unlock what your self worth looks like in the present day and actually have it be serving you and your family and your workplace in a much more balanced fashion. And then you can start to expand what is available for what you can offer to other people.”

NICOLE

Hello, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of the School of Self-Worth. I am your host, Nicole Tsong, and I am so thrilled to be here with all of you always. And I’m really super excited for this conversation because I get to go deeper on a topic that has already resonated with so many of you. So today’s topic came from many powerful conversations that I’ve been having with Asian American women leaders around where they’re feeling blocked in their self-worth, and these are really, really potent ones that come from childhood and culture and so many other places, and it’s really preventing many women from stepping into their next level at work.

So I wanted to clarify that this topic and this episode is for you – whether you actually are an AAPI leader or if you know an AAPI leader, or are also wanting to really create a more equal, equitable, inclusive culture at work and with the teams that you’re managing, so that you can become compassionate and really have a deeper relationship and understanding of this journey. So thank you all so much for being here. Before we get started, if you are an Asian American woman leader who wants to know the exact steps to being recognized and fully celebrated at work so you can break through the ceiling, DM celebrate to Nicole Tsong on Instagram, and I have something for you.

Okay, friends, let’s do this. Let’s get started. Welcome to the School of Self-Worth. A podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we get on the right side of your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong, an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a best-selling author of three books and work/life balance expert, helping ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfilment and radical joy. Every single week, I will bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women, from all walks of life, who share insight about what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic every day. Every episode is thoughtfully designed to leave you feeling empowered with tangible tips and advice that will lead you to your next breakthrough.

So one of the things I am always interested in uncovering are the root reasons that we get stuck in old programming and ways of compensating for that programming. It’s possible to break these patterns, but it requires us to recognize first that they exist, so you can actually do something about it. While I’m recording this, it’s spring outside. It’s the equivalent to when you’re weeding. If anyone has ever tried to weed dandelions, you will totally relate to this. But it’s the equivalent of trying to weed out your dandelions. You only get part of the root, and then what happens? Two weeks later, you have another dandelion again. So the same thing is true of these root patterns, these big cultural blocks that we often have that are keeping us from being able to step into the next level of work, of expansion of power for ourselves.

Another way to think about it, it’s the equivalent of if you have given yourself 15 minutes to get somewhere and you map it, and all of a sudden you see there’s construction on the road and now it’s going to take 30 minutes. Without the knowledge of that construction, you cannot adjust. So today’s episode is just going to be a quick hit one, but it’s really going to start to dig into what exactly these roots are, these cultural blocks, and how to start making progress towards clearing them for yourselves. So if you’re feeling like you’re just not even sure sometimes what is blocking your ability to feel self-worth at work, to feel like you’re making progress and you’re just working yourself to the bone constantly, this episode is for you, because I’m going to dive into the four biggest cultural blocks of self-worth, specifically for Asian American women leaders, and these are really essential components to understand, to bring you closer to a life where you work way fewer hours. You are able to set boundaries, guilt-free. You feel recognized and celebrated at work every day, and you really step into a super-powered experience around your own self-worth because this is also what’s happening out there, is we live in a world that does not want you to do this.

It does not want you to own your worth. It does not want you to see your value, because the system benefits and profits literally from you working like a fiend. It just does better when you are not paying attention to this information. And this is true for women, and especially for Asian American women, it is set up to keep the money in the hands of a few and not really have other people benefit from it. So to me, it is vitally important that you understand what is at play out there so you can have awareness around it, and then you can actually step back into a place where you do not subscribe to that system.

You know, all of us are in the system, but you do not have to be out of choice. You do not have to feel stress, you do not have to feel anxiety caused by feeling like this is completely out of your control, and plus, ultimately, when you have the recognition, the awareness of what is causing it, this is how you start to move around it, be able to navigate it differently so that you are the person with the power and the voice in the room, and that is what will make all the difference.

Let’s dive into this really amazing conversation. The first cultural block is hyperachieving. Yes, I know I talk about hyperachieving for lots of women, and this is particular to Asian American women, because for many of you, this is how it starts. You are getting A’s at school, and that is just the standard and the expectation. You’re probably not praised for it; and this is how I grew up. I was never praised for getting A’s. It was just what was supposed to happen, but I definitely got in trouble if I did not get the A’s. Like, getting B’s was not really acceptable. My parents were never harsh about it, but they definitely were disappointed. And so what happened to me is I interpreted it as well, like, I must always get ace, I must always achieve. The same was happening with violin and with tennis and anything else I was doing. I was expected to do it at the highest level.

So I just started to apply this hyperachieving mentality to everything, including which college I went to. Once I got into college, oh, my gosh, I spent all my time trying furiously to do well in school, even though I promised, since I graduated, I don’t think anybody has ever made any decisions about me based on my college GPA, for any kind of job. Then I applied it to dating, to relationships, to my career, and getting promoted and advancing along the ladder of being a journalist. I was just putting this mentality of A’s at all costs, as hyperachieving, but it really came from also wanting to be praised. It came from wanting approval, and the approval only came when I did  things at the highest level. And it wasn’t even praise, it was just more like, yeah, that’s what you’re supposed to do, and I was often also doing it to avoid the disappointment, to avoid getting in trouble for not achieving at that highest standard, and then what happened is, my self-worth just completely got tied into all of that. I was hyperachieving at all costs for everything in my life, whether I actually really wanted it or not, whether it really mattered to me at all. And I still have to watch this tendency, like, I’m a really amazing, ambitious person, but I have to watch the desire to achieve, ‘just because’.

But what happens when you start to do this over and over and over again, you start to outsource your self-worth fully to all these things outside of you. Your worth, your value, who you are in the world, is only connected to how much you accomplish. And when you can really start to understand that this is going on, that’s when you can start to take your power back and understand that your worth and value are separate from everything you do. And I talk about this so much on this podcast because it is something I see over and over again with women, that they are doing this, and it takes so many reminders and so much practice for all of us to really separate that out and to do something about it. My goal for all of you is to have you start to take those little steps, start to uncover and untangle your self-worth and who you are, from achievements, from accomplishments, from resumes, and really start to own and understand that your self-worth is just a literal birthright from being born onto the planet, and to start to see that in a much more powerful way for yourself. And that first step is truly the recognition. Like, how did I get to be this way? How did this start to happen for me? And once you can see that it came from these cultural expectations, you can say, okay, how can I do it differently, whether it’s with my own children or for myself, how can I start to separate out that my worthiness is not tied to the things that I am doing?  Once you can actually take it back, that’s when your life truly starts to change, on every level.

It actually is going to affect the next thing I’m going to talk about, which is the second  cultural block – a lack of clear boundaries. So when we are lacking boundaries, this usually comes from just wanting to make our parents happy, right? We are just like, oh, I’m going to do everything I can to make them happy, to make other people like me. And especially if you as a child were kind of schooled in this model of being quiet and being good, and you always thought that being quiet and being good would make people like you, and then you would give up your boundaries to try to get people to like you. I know that I did this for much of my childhood. I wanted my teachers to like me, I wanted to try and make friends, but I was always really quiet. I was never the loud kid in the room, and I just worked hard constantly, while trying to be noticed. But over time, what would happen is, I would help people if they needed my help, and I wanted them to like me, so I would just give up boundaries constantly. Then, as an adult, this turned into me working constantly and buying into this idea of productivity, resulting from lacking self-worth at work and just lacking self-worth in general. I was trying to make everybody happy, all the time, now all of a sudden, I didn’t have clear boundaries! And if you’re never praised for doing well and you were  criticized for getting a B, then you start to internalize this idea of avoiding criticism. I have to make everybody happy, and I’m going to make them happy by doing really well and having no boundaries.

So it takes a lot of effort to start to understand, and many of you might understand, you don’t have clear boundaries, or if you are starting to set them, you feel very guilty about them, and that’s going to come in to our third piece. But first, I just wanted to say that lacking clear boundaries is often cultural. You know, especially in Asian families, the expectation is that you’re always supporting each other, so when you are trying to look at this, it’s important for you to understand that it is essential to start to set boundaries. I have clear boundaries not only with work, but also with my family. And while it is an adjustment when you start to set really clear boundaries, over time, they have gotten used to it and they know it’s just kind of how Nicole rolls. Setting boundaries comes also from us having this really anchored experience of feeling worthy of time for ourselves, feeling worthy of creating space, and then really releasing the idea that you have to feel bad for having boundaries for yourself. And then once you start to do it, and you do it by recognizing yourself, by feeling worthy,  other people will start to now recognize that your boundaries are totally valid. So that’s the second piece of the second cultural block, is this lack of clear boundaries.

This brings me to the third block, because this comes always immediately after we set boundaries, which is guilt. So guilt is a big topic for Asian families. Guilt-tripping can be common sometimes in the culture, like, please do this, we need you to do that, etcetera. And while I do believe that people can guilt-trip you, you don’t have to be the person that falls for it, because when you let guilt drive things, I mean, guilt crashes your brain. It does all kinds of negative things to you, and it really keeps you from making choices that are the correct choices for you. Guilt also means that you’re in two places at once. You’re not present when you’re feeling guilty about a decision. For example, you finally figure out how say, “I’m going to go to a movement class or an exercise class to really take care of myself”. And then you’re taking time away from your kids, and all of a sudden you feel guilty the whole time, so you’re just not really enjoying it, you’re not really present. You’re thinking the whole time about how things are going at home, if everything is okay, and then you rush back and you feel stressed the whole time. I mean, how is that helping anybody? You are doing it, but now you’re just feeling bad the whole time. So that’s you guilt-tripping yourself.

Family also guilt-trip you. Like, oh, my gosh, you shouldn’t move so far away, I’ll never see you. Or you only are here for three days, why aren’t you coming for seven? And that’s them wanting to express love and to tell you that they miss you, and it’s totally okay for you to have boundaries around that. Like, this is the amount of time that actually works for me. This is the amount of time I can be here without going deeply into reaction or not really wanting to spend time with my family again for a year, because I cannot be around you. It’s so important that we really move this guilt out so that we can do what we really need to, because that is actually how you are more connected to the people you love. That is actually how you can start to make choices that feel really good and work for you. And this also applies to your work. Like, if sometimes we get this idea that, oh, I need to be constantly indispensable, so they don’t think that I’m not good at my job. The truth is people actually respect people with boundaries. And even though they might not like it at first, they start to get used to it. As long as you actually are really being an intuitive, powerful leader, people will be totally fine with you having boundaries. But it’s just you guilt-tripping yourself into thinking that you have to act a particular way. And this, again, has to really come from you sourcing your self-worth and not letting yourself fall into the trap of feeling guilty for doing things that support you, that support your health, your emotional place, your mental health, all of those pieces are so essential, and it comes from a really solid foundation of self-worth. And if you’re still struggling with self-worth being outsourced to work, that’s when we go back to the number one and we start to work on that as the primary thing.

And then here’s the last cultural block, and this one is really big again in Asian cultures, and that is looking for the greater good. Asian cultures tend to value the whole, rather than the individual. Those of you listening, and I live in America, which is much more about the individual, so it can be very easy in the Asian cultures to put yourself last and to put others first, because that can be how you’re raised, family comes before yourself, other people’s needs come before you. But then you live in America, and you feel a little torn and stressed over how do I balance this? Putting myself first, but then also looking for the greater good. And this is what you grew up learning and seeing and modeling, you are always putting others before yourself, family before yourself, community before yourself. Here’s the truth, and this is how we balance both of them, is that you do need to put yourself first to actually be in a position to help the greater good. Someone who is burned out, working crazy hours and always exhausted, is never going to be able to help others. A lot of my clients are often supporting parents on top of doing crazy jobs, busy jobs, and when they get into the place where they’re so burned out and they’re not taking care of themselves, they get mad and resentful and angry about actually helping their parents, and then they’re also mad and angry and resentful about what’s going on at work. All of this is a disservice not only to themselves, but to everybody in their orbit, their work orbit, as well as their family.

And so when you believe and subscribe to this idea that I have to sacrifice myself, those are the things to start to examine. Like, what makes you believe that you should actually sacrifice yourself? What makes you believe that that is actually going to be helpful to you or anybody that you love? And there’s an identity that often comes in here that we have to be the good daughter or the good sister, and that comes before yourself. And once you can start to pick that one apart for yourself and move that identity and shift yourself into the identity of, like, I get to put myself first, and that actually makes me a better daughter, a better sister, that’s when you can start to really unlock what your self-worth looks like in the present day, and actually have it be serving you and your family and your workplace in a much more balanced fashion. Then you can start to expand what is available for what you can offer to other people. I promise you that once you really find that way to balance both being in service for others, but also being in service to yourself, that’s when you get to be in a powerful place where you’re excited and energized about your life. You feel fulfilled, you feel happy. This is when you identify your purpose. This is when you’re connected into intuition.

All of that comes from balance. It does not come from reaction and burnout and from overwork. So the more you can start to remove yourself from that and have the self-worth to say, okay, I get to be part of this plan. Not only part of this plan, the primary part of this plan. That’s when life really starts to shift for you.

All right, friends, thank you so much for listening. I am always so eternally grateful to have you listen to these conversations, and if today’s podcast resonated with you and you’re an Asian American woman leader who knows and wants to know the exact steps, be recognized and celebrated at work so you can finally break through the ceiling, DM celebrate to Nicole Tsong on Instagram. I’ve got something there for you.

Okay friends, thanks so much for being here. Thank you so much for tuning into today’s episode. Before you go, don’t forget, if you are a high-achieving woman who wants to uncover your biggest blind spots preventing fast intuitive decisions, I’ve got a 72-second assessment for you, so make sure to DM quiz to Nicole Tsong on Instagram. Thank you for being here and for listening. We read every note that we get from you about how the podcast is making a difference in your life. Please know how much we appreciate each and every one of you.

Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong and this is the School of Self-Worth.