Have you spent years trying to accept what your body looks like, and try all the time to love yourself, but still secretly worry your body is not the right shape or size?
If so, you’ve likely had an encounter with diet culture.
What is diet culture? It’s the one out there that tells you that when you have lost weight and are skinnier/sexier, THEN you will be happy.
If you are ready to SHED this mentality, today’s episode is exactly what you need!
In this episode, Nicole speaks with master health coach, Amy Lang, about the impact of diet culture and how it diminishes your self worth. Known as the Habit Whisperer, Amy prioritizes habits to release guilt and shame connected with your appearance.
Amy Lang is a master health coach, certified personal trainer, and host of the Happy & Healthy with Amy podcast. Also known as the Habit Whisperer, she helps chronic dieters free themselves from diet culture, create deep health and rediscover joyful eating.
Join us as we unravel the secrets of a balanced lifestyle such as quality sleep, mindful movement, and stress management.
“I had a trainer ask me, ‘When was the last time you were happy with your body?’ And I couldn’t think of one.”
“If you’re wearing clothes that are uncomfortable, then you’re kind of giving yourself this reason to beat yourself up. It’s a constant reminder: I want to be smaller than I am right now.”
“If you believe that you have control over the size and shape of your body, then if you’re tying esteem with worth — and if you’re not able to accomplish that now — you’ve taken away from your worth because you actually believe that you have control.”
“I’m always coming from this place of, ‘How are we taking care of ourselves and having that baseline?’ so that even physiologically we’re not in a state of scarcity, that we can make better choices for ourselves.”
“It starts with awareness. Notice it, name it, really shine a light on it. Journaling really helps with that. I want you, if you can, to become an observer of your thoughts. By writing it down, you’ve put some distance between you and the thought.”
NICOLE
Welcome to the School of Self-Worth, a podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we get on the right side of your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong, an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a bestselling author of three books and work/life balance expert, helping ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfilment and radical joy. Every single week, I will bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life who share insight about what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic every day. Every episode is thoughtfully designed to leave you feeling empowered with tangible tips and advice that will lead you to your next breakthrough.
Hello, friends. Welcome back to the School of Self-Worth. So, do you spend more time than you would like to admit thinking about your body and how you would like it to look? Have you ever wondered why you care so much about your body’s appearance? I know that I have.
I am so excited to share a powerful conversation today with AMY LANG, a master health coach and host of the Happy and Healthy with Amy podcast, known as the Habit Whisperer. She helps chronic dieters free themselves from diet culture to create deep health and to rediscover joyful eating. Prepare yourself for a powerful, deep discussion on the impact of diet culture on people of all backgrounds. And if you’re a high-achieving career woman who wants to use the self-worth system to rewire internal programming, preventing self-worth, DM me Worthy at Nicole Tsong on Instagram.
Okay, let’s get into this powerful conversation. Well, hi, Amy. I’m so glad to have you here on the School of Self-Worth.
AMY LANG
Well, thank you so much for having me. I’m looking forward to what I think is going to be a great conversation.
NICOLE
I am, too. We were chatting a little bit about this around where does self-esteem and self-worth come in? Particularly around diet and diet culture, because that’s your area. I’m actually just really curious to hear. I always like to start with people’s own stories and journeys of self-worth, because I feel like by the time you arrive at a place where we’re talking about it, there has definitely been some kind of journey. There has definitely been an experience where you’ve had to look at the places where you weren’t really considering yourself worthy of whatever it might be, and then had to get to a point where you had to move through some portion of that journey and that experience, so I’m curious if you could actually even start by telling us yours.
AMY LANG
Well, I think you probably know the journeys we always talk about. Like, there was one pivotal moment, but it’s really more like a series of pivotal moments that occur. I think way back, I mean, if we were going to start with where the original story came from, that kind of led to the struggle. It really starts with when I was growing up. I remember when I was about 14 years old, my mom talked about how her waist was only 22 inches when she graduated from college. So the whole concept of what it meant to be thin, like, how thin, how tiny, and that was the end all and be all. I also remember right around the same time, I was watching a TV show, the Dukes of Hazard. I don’t know if you remember that one. It was Catherine Bach who plays Duke. She appeared on the screen, and my dad sort of declares, she has the perfect figure.
NICOLE
It’s so random, right?
AMY LANG
I’m like, where did that come from? But for my 14 year old brain, I took that to mean this is what I’m supposed to aim for. This is important. And when you talk about self-worth, that sense of being enough, somehow I got it in my head that that’s what it required. And so I think growing up, there was a lot of that whole wanting the love and approval, approval got intertwined with that, as opposed to separate. Right. So, in my thoughts these days, I make a separation. Like, love is about who you are. Approval is about what you do. That was a very important thing.
When did I actually learn that? That took a while. I went into financial services and high tech, and at that point, I was in the wrong job. I had gained 15 pounds in six months. I was so bored. I was eating chocolate covered raisins all the time. I hired a personal trainer at that point, and I got fitter, and I got stronger, and I lost the weight, and my body composition was a nice 22%, which is healthy and strong. I had a trainer ask me, “When was the last time you were happy with your body?” And even I couldn’t think of one. It really was kind of like the fact that I couldn’t think of one. I was like, there’s work to be done. I need to figure this out, because I can’t go the whole of my life, that seems like such a waste, to be in that state. I think it was working with a different trainer who was also a life coach. We really unpacked that and really explored what the difference is, and how do I separate the size and shape of my body with my sense of self-worth, so that I could take action from a different place. So when I coach clients these days, I always talk about self-care habits. Not diets, not weight loss programs, but self-care habits. And when I say self-care, I’m really talking about coming from this place of love and acceptance. You’re good enough already and you’re worth taking care of.
NICOLE
Well, thank you for sharing that. I have so many thoughts about this because I relate to that early childhood experience. I don’t know what your background is, but I’m Chinese American. And my mom also being very thin, is very valued in that culture, too. I remember my mom telling me about how tiny she was when she got married and her dress, I would never be able, I don’t think in my entire life, ever fit into her wedding dress. Maybe when I was in 8th grade, a really long time ago. So when you said that, I was like, oh, that reminds me of that dress, and I would never ever dare try on that dress because there’s no way. And even culturally interesting, my relatives, I have relatives in Taiwan, and when I would have muscle, they’d, like, pinch my arm and be like, it’s so cute because it’s so much to grab!
There’s like that family culture of diet culture, right? But then there’s also really not even diet culture, but messages around your value is related to what you look like. And then you add in, depending on whatever era people listening to grew up in, you could have been part of the Snack Wells revolution. You could have been part of the super exercise, super thin. There’s so many different things that have layered in, and I’m so curious when you talk about that, when you started to understand that there was a culture trying to impose, or the ideas, was it in that coaching, imposing on you? This idea of thinness means valuable. Thinness means I am somehow going to be accepted in this world in a different way.
AMY LANG
I’m actually also Chinese American. My dad is originally from mainland China. My mom’s from Taiwan. My dad fled to Taiwan when the Communist revolution took place. I don’t know. His dad brought him, long story short. So a lot of those messages, I think we’re very similar in that sense with the messages that we grew up with. I owned a health club for 15 plus+ years in San Francisco. So all the messages around, again, what the body is supposed to look like. We used to have a sandwich board in front of the club that said birthday suits tailored here. I’m not trying to body shame, it’s very much like if you want to lose weight, if you want to get stronger and better, if you want to change that, we’re here to help. But I never put a value judgement in it, other than I do value health. So to the extent that we can do things to help you get healthier, that’s truly my mission. And I don’t care what your body looks like at the end of the day, I really don’t. If I could unzip you and look at you on the inside, how are you doing? I was always talking about that. So as far as when I became aware of the language, when I went through the training to become an intuitive eating counselor, that’s when they started to sort of unpack. Like, this is what the media and the messages are saying. What’s the underlying assumption, belief that you have not examined, you have not challenged, you’ve accepted and internalized as true. This is the way it is. And when I did that, I realised I was believing all of this stuff. I’ve internalized it, and now I’m also rebelling against it.
It was really interesting. I am not an intuitive eating counselor, by the way. I went through their whole program. I could be, except part of it is they still want folks to be angry with diet culture. And from that place, I believe we’re giving our power away because at some level, to be angry means that you still accept what they’re saying is true. Somewhere in there, we internalize. We’re both the victim and the persecutor. I don’t need that. You can believe it, but that doesn’t mean I can’t recognize that that is your opinion. And it could be a shared opinion, but I don’t have to agree with you.
NICOLE
Well, I want to pause because actually what you’re saying is so powerful, that being angry at it is actually giving away your power, because I think a lot of people think of that as powerful, and it is not actually. It’s like saying that you still have some sway over me. Your opinion and your thought of how I exist is still creating this very emotional reaction versus being yeah, diet culture exists, and I don’t have to subscribe to it. Like a really calm, even way of thinking about it.
AMY LANG
I think of two things. One, I remember seeing a post on Instagram by one of the founders of Intuitive Eating, and she had written, “The scale is a tool of diet culture oppression, tool of the oppressor.” And I’m like, “No, really, the scale is just a scale. Why are you giving this inanimate object power over how you feel, how you feel about yourself?” That to me was just, like how do I respond to this? I think that’s really the biggest reason why I decided I don’t want to go down this particular path now. I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. I think intuitive eating, in terms of the self-care eating framework that it provides, is actually very helpful, is powerful. So let’s just make sure that we’re very clear on those distinctions.
One is sort of how you think about a scale and what standing on it and seeing a number might do. The other, when I talk about angry, I think the best example I can think of is, if you’ve gone through a breakup, and every time you see that person, if you get triggered, how is that helpful? Actually, what you want to do is come to a place where you’re at peace with it. Right? Depending on the nature of the breakup, at some level, you would like to be grateful that you had the experience, that you learned from it. Wish them the best. That’s coming from a place of calm, and that’s where the power is, that’s where you get to decide how you want to focus your energy and attention.
NICOLE
That’s a beautiful analogy. And I’m curious, when you say that, you’re like grateful, and learned your lessons, then how do you apply that to a relationship with your own body? Because I feel like, especially women, (and possibly for men) are often at war with their bodies. They’re very much trying to control it. And then maybe, and I feel like the people who listen to this podcast have evolved past probably the worst part of the war, and yet still, at some level, there’s this idea of not liking how you look in the mirror, or these pants are tighter than I want them to be. How do you start to address those? It’s really baked in for all of us. How do you start to disentangle it and have a different relationship with your body?
AMY LANG
I think the biggest challenge is the one of acceptance. There’s a psychologist, Carl Jung, I think, talked about once you accept it, that’s when it can change. And I’m misquoting him, but you can look it up when we talk about these thoughts. For me, it is really actually the process of just noticing it, just noticing it, sitting with it. And then there’s this asking four questions: Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Because if we talk about treating ourselves with love, how are you speaking to yourself? So let’s say even if you look at your body and you’re like, okay, I know that I can be better than this. I want to improve. There’s nothing wrong with that. I actually think this is where your body is now. I would actually say if you’re wearing clothes that are uncomfortable, then you’re kind of giving yourself this reason to beat yourself up. It’s a constant reminder: I want to be smaller than I am right now. As opposed to, you know, you get to choose what clothes you wear, wear stuff that helps you feel good, right? That is comfortable, that allows you to show up as your best and take care of yourself and let the results, that outcome that you seek, be like the byproduct of what you’re doing.
So this is why I’m always talking about focusing on habits. Let’s talk about coming from this place of self-love in terms of what we’re doing. And just like happiness, it becomes a byproduct of what we’re doing, as opposed to getting so attached to the outcome, because there’s also the flaw in that idea of once I get there, then I’ll be happy. When I lose the weight, then I’ll be happy. Well, okay, if that’s what you’re telling yourself, let me ask you, are you saying you can’t be happy unless you lose the weight? Is that the world that you want to create for yourself, that reality? Because I don’t think that that serves us. I don’t think, how do you want to live your day? And that thought, if that’s the undercurrent, if that’s the unexamined thought, we want to examine it and can we find another way to say it or different way to think about it that actually empowers us. So that’s where it’s taking one small step today to move me closer to that goal of being. And really the power is in the reframing, but there’s a lot of acceptance work that has to go with it. Like, this is where you are now. And can you be grateful for what you have now that your body is taking care of you?
NICOLE
Yeah. And so it’s interesting because I’m hearing you say that a lot of it is self-acceptance and then loving yourself as you are. And you’re also saying then it’s okay to still say, I would still like to lose ten pounds.
AMY LANG
Yeah, sure.
NICOLE
And do you ever get into then what would be the purpose of that? Why would we care about that part if we’re in that loving place for ourselves? Because this is where I think a lot of conflict lies for people around this. It’s like, well, I’m trying to accept myself. I gained some weight. I’m trying to accept it, and I still don’t want to be this weight. It feels to me like you’re just trapped in both.
AMY LANG
Well, I guess this would probably be the whole alignment and integrity sort of conversation where we talk about what we truly value. So if you value health, if you value taking the best care of yourself, just like you would a child, a loved one, what would you be doing? And are you keeping your word? So keeping your word with yourself? I think the source of the conflict actually comes from there. It’s not so much about the weight. I think it becomes like this is the kind of person that I envision myself being, that somehow I also believe that that version of me would be better than what I am now. And so is that true? Right. Is that a kind way? Those are the things where it’s like, okay, well, how can you talk about it a little differently so that you’re coming from a place of compassion. I remember in my twenty’s I had some people tell me I’ve got to learn how to be my own best friend. How would you encourage yourself? How would you support yourself? Take action. Take action.
I think the mindset of growth is really important. I think we want to keep learning, we want to keep growing, we want to keep becoming better because we have that ability. I think even from a coaching perspective, it’s like I want to become a better and better coach because I think then I can help people better. I can help more people. There’s nothing wrong with that thought process. Right. So if you think that well, if I were to lose ten pounds, that somehow I would be better. I guess I would think better. How are you measuring that? What does that really mean to you? And if you can come up with something that really is an empowering way to think about it, then I think it will inform you as to what actions you take as a result of that.
NICOLE
That’s interesting. And it’s good. It’s like we’re digging in deeper, always into what is the mentality behind it. Well, we were originally talking about self-esteem versus self-worth in this whole journey around body image and how you see yourself. And I’m curious about how you make the distinction for yourself. It’s like what I was hearing when you were talking is, I am worthy of having this thing as long as it’s something that’s an empowering thing for me. And then how do you feel like that? Because to me, that is distinct from self-esteem. Like having a strong sense of self-esteem. How do you think about the two pieces of that when it comes to your journey with your body and your own body image?
AMY LANG
Self-worth to me is about your internal sense of being good enough. I have intrinsic value just as I am, and the way I can connect with that. And this is what’s helped me. It’s helped a lot of folks. Think about when a baby is born, right? They’re loved, they’re perfect just the way they are. They’re helpless, and what is the instinct to take care of them? It is that sense of you’re perfect just the way you are, the world is a better place because you were born today. How does that make you feel when you hear those words? What does that mean? Right? And if you can get that, it’s the self-worth piece.
Self-esteem, I think, is about seeing yourself do things and do them, quote, “successfully”, right? Getting the outcome that you want. That’s about self-efficacy in a lot of ways. Self-esteem is tied more to achievement, to accomplishment, in that sense. But if you believe that your worth is tied to what you accomplish, this is where I think it gets really fraught with peril. Because now you’re confusing who you are with what you do. We don’t want to do that. We don’t want to conflate those two things. Because if you think in those terms, then if you believe you have, say, control over the size and shape of your body to the point where you were talking as a personal trainer.
I look at the human body, and when I was in Tokyo, Japan, the women are really tiny as well. And I remember going there and looking at these women and I’m like, I want to put some muscle on you. Like a good stiff wind is going to blow you over. So in my mind, I was like if that’s what my mom thought was the ideal, I can at least know that’s not what I want to look like. She said after I was born, she got down to 95 pounds. She’s five foot two, and even her physician was like, you’re underweight. I want you to gain some weight here. But she was very happy that she was that tiny.
NICOLE
I love the tangent you were going on, which was really around all of it, about self-esteem versus self-worth. And then that whole journey to me related to body image and diet culture. And we’re in this interesting stew. I feel the complexity of being human in this world, because there’s a lot, because to me, worth is the same way. It’s like your inherent value. And then your self-esteem is how confident can you feel? How can you present yourself in the world? What are the things that you’re doing? Do you have the self-esteem to go after something you’ve never experienced or accomplished before? And I would argue, though, that when your worth is really high, your self-esteem can then naturally be attached to that. You can do those things, but if you’re doing things with self-esteem, but you don’t have self-worth, it’s going to be kind of an empty situation. You’re just kind of forcing it or faking it to make it worth. And actually, you really need both on some level, right, to get the things you want done in the world?
AMY LANG
Yeah. I almost feel like if the worth part isn’t there and you’re chasing it through accomplishment, what happens when you get there? I think that’s when you get that sort of like, is this all there is? Right?
NICOLE
Well, and I would say, too, even in the conversation we’re having sometimes what I see is that your worth is tied to that number on the scale. It’s tied to what size clothing you’re wearing or any of those pieces. And then starting to separate. That is really important. Like, my worth and value has nothing to do with what I look like. And it can be challenging for a lot. That’s sort of like the crux of probably what you work with people on then, is how do you start to really see yourself independent of that? And then when you’re independent of that now, you can start to say, okay, we have some goals to pursue and it’s okay, and let’s pursue those from an empowered place.
AMY LANG
Actually, I do remember where I was going with it. So if you believe that you have control over the size and shape of your body, then if you’re tying esteem with worth, then if you’re not able to accomplish that now, you’ve taken away from your worth because you actually believe that you have control. We have control over the conditions that we create. So through habits, even through weight loss programs, I’m not a fan of weight loss programs and diets because I actually think it feeds into that belief of not enough; that the promised land is that number or whatever the size. Whereas habits, if you’re doing it every day, you’re coming from a place of intention, of value, of prioritizing what you think is important. You’re living the life that you want to be living and not waiting, not putting your life on hold.
So I think I lost my train of thought again.
NICOLE
It’s okay, we can do a little quick pause. What you were saying is you were talking about how if we are tying our value and our worth to what we look like, then that’s just going to cause its own issues in our lives.
AMY LANG
Right.
NICOLE
And then there’s this level of self-esteem that you were going with.
AMY LANG
Yeah. So I think we just want to be very careful that we’re not making it so that the size and shape of our body has anything to do with our worth. And the flip side of that, by the way, flip side might not be the right word, but the guilt and the shame that goes along with not doing it. If you believe, like, oh, this outcome is something I have control over and I don’t do it. How do you feel about yourself then? What are you making that mean about yourself? So I think you can’t talk about the worth part without talking about the guilt and the shame.
NICOLE
Very true. It’s been a long journey, I don’t know if you know this, I wrote a fitness column for many years, and I have a book. All my books are about movement, yoga and movement. And I would say, for me, it’s still always a struggle because I move constantly. I walk all the time. I do tap, I do yoga, I weightlift.
I do all this stuff, and then still separate my worth and value from what my body looks like or how much I weigh, it’s like an interesting tug of war all the time, because we’re just so ingrained in that diet culture, like those pieces we talked about. And even though I don’t actually feel like I associate my worth and value with that number, it still is hard for me.
Does that make sense? And it’s an interesting thing, because if you looked at any measure of my life, I live a very healthy life. I don’t drink. I don’t drink caffeine. I sleep 8 hours every night. I take care of myself. I move my body constantly. But there’s still this thing, and it is that diet culture pull. You see images, or it’s like, what do you want to look like? And that’s the thing. I think it’s always interesting as people who are sharing about this and still always on that journey ourselves, unpacking, what is it that still keeps driving that feeling of having to keep releasing that one over and over again.
AMY LANG
Or just, I think in terms of, can I think of a different way to say it to myself that’s more empowering? So it’s not to say that the way you’re saying it to yourself isn’t necessarily true, but it’s not helpful. Right. And so can we find a different way to speak to ourselves in a way where, oh, okay, I’m good. It’s not the same thing. I had a coach say to me, and I think it was really powerful: the whole love is about who you are, approval, validation, all of it. Because I think it is about the external validation we look at. It’s a double edged sword, right? You get compliments on how you lost weight, or you got stronger, or whatever it is about our appearance. The classic is the whole, “Oh, you look good today.” You’re like, don’t I look good every day? But when we place too much focus on that, we get ourselves in trouble. Right? So we just want to be really careful that we’re not doing that.
NICOLE
What you were saying, too, about the guilt and the shame, which is super common, I think, for so many women around this feeling bad about it, and that’s the hard part. And you’re like, oh, okay, is that helpful? And it’s just such a good question for any of you out there who are doing this is like, am I saying something that is actually helpful to me, or is this actually making me feel worse about myself?
AMY LANG
Yeah. And what would your best friend say to you? How would you say it to a best friend? In a way that would be kind and supportive and truly from this place of, like, I only want what’s best for you. If you saw someone who was, let’s say, overweight. And it really is about, like, I worry about your health. One, let’s find out how healthy are you? It really is. If I could unzip you and look at you on the inside, what are we doing and can we take better care? So in my program, I am always talking about the fundamental five.
When I talk about habits, I’m talking about getting enough quality sleep, 7 to 9 hours of sleep. Every person’s body is a little different, so there’s always the range. Staying hydrated. Drinking enough water, I usually say half your body weight in ounces of water. So if you weigh 200 pounds, we’re talking about 100oz. It’s a lot of water, actually, but it doesn’t have to all come from drinking water. The foods we eat can have a lot of water content and stuff like that. There are other ways to keep track of it. This is just kind of a guideline, if you will, 30 minutes of mindful movement.
So, again, these are all fundamental. That’s not to say there aren’t other habits we want to create, but we want to start there. I say five servings of fruits and vegetables a day with the goal of like, three vegetables to two fruit. So we get all the colors of the rainbow – green, leafy vegetables – and then the fifth one is to eat until you’re comfortably full. When you talk about intuition, I talk in terms of learning how to listen to your body and honor it, trust that it knows, and it does require awareness, and it requires attunement, and then it requires alignment, as in, like, okay, now that you understand that you’re hungry, what are you going to do? Are you going to ignore it until you’re ‘hangry’, or are you going to eat something now to take care of it? I’m always coming from this place of how are we taking care of ourselves and having that baseline, so that even physiologically we’re not in a state of scarcity, that we can make better choices for ourselves.
NICOLE
That physiological part is really important, I think sometimes we underestimate how much that stress and that anxiety and that harsh inner voice and inner critic are keeping us from the things that we really want. And we think, again, that feeling of control is going to somehow give us the weight loss or feeling better about ourselves, and really that actually prevents it, because it keeps our body so stressed out.
AMY LANG
Stress is just a whole other topic in terms of when you talk about your body wanting to hold on to the weight. Especially when we’re under chronic stress, we’re actually raising our natural set point for our weight. So there’s a lot of power in being able to even reframe that. We talk about the stress response. A more nuanced conversation would be to understand that there’s a threat response and a challenge response that are both types of stress responses. So I think in the literature, it’s like, ‘eustress stress versus distress’, and ‘eustress stress’ is short-lived. Eustress stress is what athletes talk about of being in the zone, that flow state where you’re challenging yourself and you’re seeing yourself actually accomplish things that you set out to do, those are good stress. That’s growth, that makes us stronger, more resilient. It’s that chronic stress where you’re coming from, this place of, I don’t have access to the resources, to the time, whatever it is that I need. And we’re like marinating in it, right? We ruminate, we worry, we’re not present. All of that stuff that, if we catch ourselves, there are things we can do to help activate the parasympathetic nervous system, that calm. You know this from yoga, that sympathetic is all about like fight or flight. Parasympathetic is when we’re calming, stretching, deep breathing, yoga, all of those things can really help to activate that system, bring down the cortisol levels.
NICOLE
Yeah, I can’t remember where I learned that, but it was really powerful for me to realize that, too, because sometimes that stress and intensity can even be in the way that you’re working out. When you’re constantly activating your system all the time and your nervous system never gets to relax, it’s like your body hangs on to things because it’s not safe, and it is just going to hang on to it through that stress, the hormones.
AMY LANG
So we can help ourselves there too if we get enough sleep, because not getting enough sleep puts our body under stress as well. It would be interesting to see what all our natural set points would be if we were in that optimal state of stress, given all the stuff that you’re saying you’re doing. It would be interesting to figure out, is your body holding on to weight because of that, or is there other stuff? Like some folks talk about gut health? I’m not an expert in that, but it would be interesting too. There are just things to explore and see how I can be healthier and am I at my optimal weight? Maybe this right now is my body and its wisdom saying, given everything that’s going on, this is optimal for you right now.
NICOLE
Totally. Well, what I love in this conversation, Amy, is like, we’re just unpacking all the different things that there are always for us to consider and to grow into, and for anybody, if you’re feeling stressed about it, it’s not to be stressed. It’s more for us to say, oh, that’s interesting. That’s something to consider. Like, some of my clients recently, we’ve been talking a lot about caffeine, and we’ve been talking a lot about how that additional caffeine in the afternoon is really affecting them and impacting them. And I’m like great, let’s be curious about caffeine. We don’t have to make it bad, and we don’t have to quit it, but we can just say, okay, maybe it’s affecting my sleep or what I’m doing. That conversation can then elicit the change that’s going to support you rather than any kind of guilt or shame around it. And then each time you’re just like, okay, now I get to learn something new that’s going to help me.
So what would you say would be the first thing for anybody to do? And you gave us a lot of really great tips, actually in this podcast. But what would you say if somebody is in that conversation around diet, culture and their body, and they’re feeling challenged around that? What would you say is the number one thing you’d have them start doing?
AMY LANG
I think it would be when you notice the thought. I have a four-step reframing method that I use. I think pranayama and yoga, very similar, where you notice the thought, right? You shine a light on it. And so I think a lot of these thoughts we’re talking about that are operating are under the surface, they’re subconscious ones. But there’s some, in psychology, called core beliefs, where you’re coming from, this feeling of I’m not good enough. And what does that mean? So there’s an interpretation that we want to challenge. It starts with awareness. Notice it, name it, really shine a light on it. Journaling really helps with that. I want you, if you can, to become an observer of your thoughts. So by writing it down, you’ve put some distance between you and the thought. And there’s a quote, “You are not your thoughts”. Recognizing that, so that you’re looking at these thoughts and then try to separate fact from opinion or belief. Belief is we’re accepting it as true, but it doesn’t mean it’s actually true. So if we can do that and then do the challenge, the premise. Like, is this true? Okay, if it isn’t, how do I reframe it? If it is true, how do I reframe it to serve me? But it’s the practice of noticing. It’s the same thing with emotions. A lot of times what happens is you notice how you’re feeling. Even take a pause there and then go back to where is this feeling coming from? What are the thoughts? What are the beliefs? And then the interpretation? What am I making it mean? And what am I making it mean about me? That’s really where a lot of that empowerment comes from, is when you can recognize there’s a difference between judgement and discernment. So judgement is about good and bad. That’s where shame and guilt come from. You did something you weren’t supposed to do, right? You did something wrong. Discernment is literally that whole, like, would this be better? Would this serve me better? It’s looking at the bigger picture in terms of where you want your life to go, and I think discernment is empowering. Absolutely.
NICOLE
Well, thank you so much. Those are so helpful for people who are just beginning that journey. Like, how do you start to really have a powerful relationship with yourself so that you can have those things that you really want? So, so helpful, Amy.
Now, I also have some rapid fire questions for you. Are you up for that?
AMY LANG
Okay, well, let’s see if I lose my train of thought there.
NICOLE
You won’t. You’ll be great. So what’s on your nightstand?
AMY LANG
What’s on my nightstand? A light, my iPhone charger, a little jar of Vaseline, a glass of water. Simple.
NICOLE
Perfect. I love it.
What was the last thing you watched on TV?
AMY LANG
The TV show, Elementary.
NICOLE
Is it good?
AMY LANG
I like it. They’re all reruns now. Elementary is about Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, but it’s with Johnny Lee Miller and Lucy Liu.
NICOLE
Oh, fun. I feel like I’ve seen maybe an episode of that. So fun. Awesome. And then when was the last time you tried something new? And what was it?
AMY LANG
Something new. Well, I’m taking tennis lessons, and so my coach is working on my serve, and so pretty much every time we meet, he’s introducing something new because I didn’t know how to serve.
NICOLE
That’s huge. I’m a former tennis player myself, so, yeah, that’s huge. To learn a new serve, that’s big.
AMY LANG
And it’s really interesting, that whole sort of, cognitive load when you first start. I love the game of tennis in terms of the learning process because it’s a constant reminder in some respects, it’s unlearning the things that I was taught. It’s the whole being present and, like, okay, you missed that ball. Let’s keep going. That’s totally behind you. And the goal is to get better. It’s not to be perfect. There are so many messages in tennis that are lovely reminders.
NICOLE
Such a great metaphor for life, right?
AMY LANG
Yeah.
NICOLE
And then the last one, what are the top three most used emojis on your phone?
AMY LANG
The top three? I don’t know. Let me look at my thoughts.
NICOLE
Yeah, look it up. Sometimes people need to see it.
AMY LANG
The top three emojis I have are smiley face with a hug and then smiley face with the three hearts, and then smiley face with the kiss.
NICOLE
You’re a big smiley face person. I love it. It’s awesome.
AMY LANG
And the fourth one is a birthday.
NICOLE
Well, Amy, it’s such a delight to have you on the podcast. We have all the ways of reaching out and getting to know Amy, in the show notes. You can reach out to her there and learn from her around habits, around diet, culture, and really empowering yourself to the next level of your life. And so, Amy, I’m so grateful to have you on the School of Self-Worth. Thank you so much for being with us.
AMY LANG
Oh, well, thank you so much for having me. It’s been such a delight.
NICOLE
Thank you so much for tuning into today’s episode. Before you go, don’t forget, if you are a high-achieving woman who wants to uncover your biggest blind spots, preventing fast intuitive decisions, I’ve got a 72-second assessment for you, so make sure to DM me quiz on at Nicole Tsong at Instagram and thank you for being here and for listening. We read every note that we get from you about how the podcast is making a difference in your life. Please know how much we appreciate each and every one of you. Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong and this is the School of Self-Worth.
Get started with Amy’s Morning Boost
Discover the blind spots holding you back and take the Boundary Tendencies Quiz
Subscribe to her newsletter
Discover the Blind Spots Holding You Back with Boundaries
© 2024 Nicole Tsong | Designed with by Digits
Photos by Marcella Laine
