Why you’re still not being seen as a leader, even though you’re capable

• Being overlooked as a leader isn’t about confidence, communication style, or visibility. [01:47]
• The real issue arises when I can’t stabilize myself under stress. [03:26]
• Simply preparing more doesn’t help in key moments if I can’t anchor myself and hold my positioning. [05:01]
• My upbringing, especially as an Asian American woman, can cause me to worry about others’ perceptions and fall into self-doubt. [06:51]
• Leadership means being able to hold my position and authority. [05:34]
• I don’t need to become someone else to be seen as a leader. [08:42]
•  

“You know that you are capable. You know that your thinking is strong. You know you have the experience and the background for the position that you’re in and the places that you want to go in your world.” – Nicole Tsong

“Most people assume that the issue is confidence. They assume that it’s about their communication style. They assume that it’s about their visibility, that they need to be more visible….The real problem is where your authority breaks down in real time in the first place.” – Nicole Tsong

I have had countless clients tell me that they spend hours and hours prepping for big meetings and for presentations. That doesn’t help if you don’t have the ability to stabilize yourself and to position yourself in that moment so that people can see your leadership qualities. – Nicole Tsong

“For a lot of Asian American women, this comes and starts long before that moment where you’re standing in the room making that recommendation.” – Nicole Tsong

“You don’t need to become someone else to be seen as a leader. You need to hold your authority consistently.” – Nicole Tsong

TRANSCRIPT

EP.140

Why You’re Still Not Being Seen as a Leader, Even Though You’re Capable

NICOLE

Hello powerful women. Welcome back to the School of Self-Worth. I am your host, Nicole Tsong. I love today’s topic where we get to focus on why you are still not being seen as a leader even though you are probably the most capable person in the room. This one is juicy. And if you are a high-achieving Asian American woman who wants to stop being the invisible backbone at work and start being the authority, you DM me @nicoletsong on Instagram because I have got something over there for you. 

All right friends, let’s dig in. Welcome to the School of Self-Worth, a podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we get on the right side of your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong, an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a bestselling author of three books and work-life balance expert, helping ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfillment and radical joy. 

Every single week, I will bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life who share insight about what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic every day. Every episode is thoughtfully designed to leave you feeling empowered with tangible tips and advice that will lead you to your next breakthrough. 

There is a specific kind of frustration that I see with high-performing women, especially Asian American women in corporate leadership. You know that you are capable. You know that your thinking is strong. You know you have the experience and the background for the position that you’re in and the places that you want to go in your world. And yet somehow you are still not being seen at the level that you know that you operate at. 

Most people assume that the issue is confidence. They assume that it’s about their communication style. They assume that it’s about their visibility, that they need to be more visible. So they try these strategies. They speak up more because they’ve gotten that feedback. They try to say things better, word what they’re saying with more precision. They try to be more strategic and speak and think from that strategic viewpoint. But the problem is not actually what you think, and it’s also not your capability, because you are smart. I know this for a fact. You are a high-achiever. You would literally not be listening to this if you were not. And you probably have a very long CV full of top-notch achievements, successes, and lots of validation for why you are where you are in your life. 

The real problem is where your authority breaks down in real time, in the first place. It happens when you aren’t sure and clear on how to stabilize yourself in the face of stress. A high-level leader asks you an unexpected question in front of a group of people. You receive an email that throws you off track for a project that was actually running smoothly up until that time. You get a text from your boss that stresses you out. And then what happens next is the key. Do you soften what you were planning to say? Do you hold back and not say anything at all? Do you couch what you say with maybe filler words like “just”? Or do you ask at the end of what you say, “Does that make sense?” If any of these things are happening, people immediately see you as less of a leader. 

The next piece is also critical. The next piece is your positioning. Do you frame what you say in a meeting as direction, a strong recommendation, or do you frame it as a suggestion for people to take? These things are subtle, and all of these pieces compound. If you’ve been destabilized by an unexpected question, all the prep in the world won’t help you to anchor your positioning in real time. 

I have had countless clients tell me that they spend hours and hours prepping for big meetings and for presentations. That doesn’t help if you don’t have the ability to stabilize yourself and to position yourself in that moment so that people can see your leadership qualities. 

What happens when you have learned to stabilize yourself? You finally are positioning yourself effectively. This next piece is so key. Are you holding your position? What do I mean by that? Are you able to stay with your point without backing off, without over-explaining, without softening when there’s pushback? Because that happens when there’s silence and you’re not sure what they’re thinking about what you’ve recommended or when there’s a challenge. When people press on your idea for a leader, being challenged is part of the job. People will push back on what you’re recommending. Are you able to hold your position? 

None of this comes from preparation. I cannot say this enough because if it was about preparation, I bet you are someone who prepares all the time. And it’s not about that. Because how many times have you been prepared? Then in the moment, you got thrown off. For a lot of Asian American women, this comes and starts long before that moment where you’re standing in the room making that recommendation, and this is because of the way you were raised. You were taught probably an Asian collective mentality to consider everyone else first, to really make sure that everyone else is doing well, to be respectful of your elders, of teachers, of people more experienced than you, to know your place, and then to make sure what you say lands well. 

You’re taught to ensure that the family reputation can hold up, that everything you’re doing is for the good of the whole. And while there are many beautiful aspects to this, when it comes to being seen as a leader, that conditioning, when it follows you into leadership spaces, is the reason that you are not seen. As a leader, no matter your background, your history, your experience, it’s the reason that you worry about what other people think before you even get words out of your mouth. It’s where you land into self-doubt rather than holding your position. It’s the reason you are softening your strength and being present in the moment. 

When you are being asked questions or you are getting prodded or poked by a leader with questions about what you’re presenting, can you stabilize yourself in that moment? Can you position what you’re saying, can you hold what you are presenting at that moment? You don’t need to become someone else to be seen as a leader. This comes up for so many women. They feel like they have been given the feedback to speak up, and when they are asked to do that, they feel like they have to become somebody who they are not. And I am telling you, you do not need to change who you are. You need to hold your authority consistently. You need to have this internal ability to see yourself so that you can be anchored in that moment no matter what is happening outside of you. That is authority. That is power. 

I have created a private audio feed where I break down these moments in much more detail so that you can start seeing exactly where your authority is dropping in real time. The link is in the show notes. Make sure you grab it and let me know what you think on @nicoletsong on Instagram. Thank you all so much, and I’ll see you next time. 

Thank you so much for tuning into today’s episode. Before you go, don’t forget if you are a high-achieving woman who wants to uncover your biggest blind spots preventing fast intuitive decisions, I’ve got a 72-second assessment for you, so make sure to DM me “quiz” on @nicoletsong on Instagram. Thank you for being here and for listening. We read every note that we get from you about how the podcast is making a difference in your life. Please know how much we appreciate each and every one of you. Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is the School of Self-Worth.