How Brilliant Asian-American Women Turn into the Invisible Backbone

• The “Invisible Backbone” Phenomenon for Asian American Women [00:00:12]  
• Understanding the Third Culture Kid Experience [00:02:53]  
• Cultural Values Impacting Visibility and Leadership [00:03:38]  
• The Performance vs. Perception Problem [00:02:14]  
• The Key to Advancement: Developing Internal Authority [00:06:19]  
• Tangible Steps to Reclaim Authority and Shift Your Career Trajectory [00:12:12]

“You have spent your whole life giving your authority away—to your parents, to expectations, and to other people’s ideas of what your life should look like.” 

“This is not a performance problem. This is a perception problem.” Nicole Tsong 

“You have spent your whole life giving your authority away.”  Nicole Tsong 

“The truth is you don’t need to change who you are to be a leader.”  Nicole Tsong 

“You need to develop internal authority so that others recognize a leadership that already exists within you.”  Nicole Tsong 

““It’s not that you’re incapable of more. It’s simply being covered up by the version of you that learned to stay quiet and just get the work done.” 

“When you can shift your authority, that’s when you can work the amount of time you

 want to work.”  Nicole Tsong

“So important first aid to acknowledge it.” Nicole Tsong

TRANSCRIPT

EP. 139

NICOLE

Hello friends, I’m Nicole Tsong, and welcome back to the School of Self-Worth. Today we’re going to talk about something that happens all the time, especially to brilliant Asian American women – how you become the invisible backbone at work. And we’re going to talk today about what it means for your future. So if you want to shift how leadership sees you, you do not want to miss this episode. And if you are a high-performing Asian American woman who wants to stop being praised privately and overlooked publicly so you can be positioned for a promotion, DM me promoted on Instagram because I’ve got something over there for you.

Okay, let’s get started on this awesome conversation.

Welcome to the School of Self-Worth, a podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we get on the right side of your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host, Nicole Song – an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a bestselling author of three books and a work–life balance expert, helping ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfillment and radical joy. Every single week, I will bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life who share insight about what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic every day. Every episode is thoughtfully designed to leave you feeling empowered with tangible tips and advice that will lead you to your next breakthrough.

Let me ask you something. If you are the one everybody relies on – the one delivering results, solving problems, and holding everything together in your team or your company – but you are still being passed over for leadership roles and getting the feedback to “be more strategic,” “get out of the weeds,” “stop being in the details,” and you’re still watching other people move ahead faster than you… this is not a performance problem. This is a perception problem. And this is you being the invisible backbone.

The truth about being the invisible backbone is that it has probably worked for a really long time, which means you likely haven’t spent the time to look back at what caused it in the first place. So that’s where we’re going to begin today – you really have to go back and see the root of this. Why did this even begin? How did you become the invisible backbone?

And the thing that started it all is something you might have suspected but maybe never quite pieced together. It comes from this thing called being a third culture kid. When I learned about this concept, it blew my mind. It’s so important because it explains and puts language to something you’re probably experiencing all the time.

Third culture kids are created when your parents immigrate to another country. They raise you with the values of the country they came from, and yet you’re being raised in another country and that culture. The intersection of your parents’ culture and the culture you’re being raised in is called a third culture. That intersection has its own unique qualities and can sometimes feel really inescapable.

For many Asian American women, what happens is this: in Asian culture, patience, humility, loyalty, obedience – those are often the values you’re raised with. So in school, that’s what you do. You listen to the teacher, you follow the rules, you get your homework done. You become a kid who does really well technically in school, but you’re not very vocal. You’re probably not speaking up that much.

But in Western culture – in American culture – individuality is valued so highly. They want you to raise your hand, speak out, stand out. And since you don’t do that because you were taught not to do that – and by the way, this doesn’t mean you’re incapable of it, you were simply not taught to do it – you get put into this box of being “quiet.”

And maybe if you’re not quiet, people stereotype you the other way. They’re like, “Why is this girl not quiet? Why is she so obnoxious?” It can go in either direction. But what happens is you start to get hemmed in by these ideas of who you are that have nothing to do with who you really are. But you adapt to it because that’s what you do. You want to make other people happy.

Your parents probably taught you that your family’s pride is more important than what you think of yourself. You should always put family first. It’s this collective culture mentality. And you do this your whole life.

It actually works really well early in a corporate career – the first 10 to 15 years – because companies love people who follow the rules, get things done, and make more money for the company. So you probably did get promoted to a certain level. You weren’t acknowledged as deeply as you wanted to be, but you were acknowledged as a hard worker and someone they could rely on.

But then you get to a point where that isn’t enough. You want to be in a leadership role. You want to be running things. You have experience, skills, talent, excellence that could bring you to the next level. And yet that is not what’s happening. Your bosses keep saying you’re doing a great job, but if you really want to get promoted, they need to see different kinds of leadership qualities.

But the real problem is they probably don’t actually say that. They just say, “You’re doing a great job. Keep doing what you’re doing.” But they don’t tell you what they want you to fix. Because the real problem is that you’re missing something intangible – and they don’t even know how to describe it.

And that is your authority.

You have spent your whole life giving your authority away. You gave it away to your parents and their expectations. You gave it away to other people’s ideas of what was best for your life – like “go be a doctor,” “go be a lawyer,” “go work on Wall Street,” “become a software engineer,” the jobs that are “approved” by your parents or their communities.

And now you’ve spent your career molding yourself to other people’s perceptions of you. You work hard, you’re ignored, and you don’t know the steps to get out of it. It’s costing you promotions. It’s costing you opportunities. It’s costing you the ability to move quickly to another company where you might actually get paid what you’re worth.

Some of you have tried the opposite – becoming really aggressive. Has anyone done that? You’re like, “I’m going to be the angry one. I’m going to be so aggressive and go for it.” And then you discovered that didn’t work either. It put people off. It didn’t advance you. It just made you feel angry all the time. And you still didn’t feel like yourself.

Ultimately, the reason you don’t feel like yourself is because that authority piece is missing.

So you probably went back to being invisible because that felt easier. It didn’t feel so personally costly. But the cost becomes so high at a certain point. That’s when people come to work with me – when the cost is too high. You’ve watched other people get promoted over you. You knew you were capping your own potential. You didn’t have the conversations you knew were important. You didn’t leave the companies that didn’t see your value.

And now you’re here saying, “What can I do to get my authority back?”

Here’s the harder part: it’s not that you’re incapable of more. It’s simply being covered up. This invisible backbone is covering up the truth – that you don’t need to change who you are to be a leader. You need to develop internal authority so others recognize the leadership that already exists within you. It’s hidden behind the quiet, hardworking, shying-away-from-speaking-up version of you that you’ve been showing the world.

When you learn to shift this perception – and this doesn’t have to be hard or inauthentic – everything changes. Many of you have heard me share this, but I always emphasize it: I’m actually an introvert. I’m not someone who gets fueled by being out in the world with lots of people. I like to be at home with my husband, my kid, and my dog. I’m a homebody.

And yet I can go on television, I can speak to thousands of people in a corporate environment, and feel very comfortable doing it – because I have deep internal authority. I know who I am. I know how to voice how I feel and come from an authentic place. That shift is everything.

That’s when people acknowledge me, notice me, see me. And more importantly, I know I can do whatever I want. If I want to speak to thousands of people, I can. If I want to be at home quietly with my family, I can.

That’s internal authority. It gives you leverage. It gives you choice. It gives you the ability to lead your life – instead of having it dictated by parents, expectations, or corporate culture.

I don’t want you to ever feel like you’re stuck on a path someone else chose for you. I want you to feel like you can change your own life, make a difference, get paid what you want to be paid, and have the title and role you aspire to. And to do it without working extra hours. To have weekends with your family. To have hobbies. So many women tell me, “I’d like some hobbies, Nicole.” And I’m like, yes – you should have hobbies. You should have things you enjoy that aren’t about getting other people to notice you.

When you shift your authority, that’s when you work the amount you want to work. That’s when you become the person who says, “This is the direction I’m going.” That’s when you start getting the jobs you truly desire – because you come from a strong internal place. And the people you talk to see it. They’re like, “Wow, I want that person on my team. She knows who she is.”

If you’re thinking, “Wow, I didn’t even realize I was doing this,” the first step is acknowledging it. The second step is noticing when it’s happening and not letting that pattern drive the next stage of your career.

If you’re ready to make a change, to stop doing this, DM me promoted on Instagram at @nicoletsong because I’ve got something there for you. We’re running some really cool things that will help you shift out of passive and invisible into internal authority – into the woman people look for, want at the front, delivering, being the strategic authority. That’s what I desire for you, and that’s what we’ll do when you work with me. So go check out @nicoletsong on Instagram and DM me promoted – I’ve got next steps for you.

All right friends, I’m so glad you’re here today. Thank you so much for hopping in, and I can’t wait to see you next time.

Thank you so much for tuning into today’s episode. Before you go, don’t forget – if you are a high-achieving woman who wants to uncover your biggest blind spots preventing fast intuitive decisions, I’ve got a 72‑second assessment for you. Make sure to DM me quiz on Instagram. And thank you for being here and for listening. We read every note we get from you about how the podcast is making a difference in your life. Please know how much we appreciate each and every one of you.

Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is the School of Self-Worth.