You’re doing great work. You’re getting positive feedback. So why are you still being passed over?
In this episode, Nicole unpacks a pattern she sees in high-performing Asian American women who are praised behind the scenes but overlooked when it actually counts. You may be surprised by how your cultural conditioning has held you back.
This isn’t about working harder. It’s about how you’re showing up in the moments that matter most.
If you’ve ever felt frustrated watching others advance while you stay in the same place, this conversation will shift how you think about leadership, visibility, and what it really takes to be seen as promotable.
Nicole shares a few key shifts that can completely change how you’re perceived at work, and why the way you’ve been operating might be the very thing holding you back.
“You’re being labeled reliable instead of strategic.”
“The attachment is making you tie up all of who you are in this promotion, making you feel like a lesser person because you’re not getting it.”
“True leaders, the best leaders, are highly emotionally stable.” – Nicole Tsong
“You are not demonstrating authority in rooms where it matters. And this is costing you.” – Nicole Tsong
“If you can stop worrying so much about how other people are thinking about you and making them happy, this is a huge key step for you to actually access your authority, your authentic voice, your power.” – Nicole Tsong
“Leaders don’t want people who don’t know their own strengths and are willing to own them.” – Nicole Tsong
“Detachment doesn’t mean a lack of commitment. It doesn’t mean you don’t actually want to aim for and go for something, because I know that you want the promotion so much.” – Nicole Tsong
“If you can do that, that’s when the sky is the limit, truly.” – Nicole Tsong
NICOLE
Hello, friends! I’m Nicole Tsong. Welcome back to the School of Self-Worth. Today’s episode is micro-focused on what to do when you’ve been passed over for a promotion. If you’re done being overlooked, you are not going to want to miss this one. I cannot wait to dig in with you.
And if you’re a high-achieving Asian American woman who wants to stop being praised privately and overlooked publicly so that you can actually be positioned for the promotion and the raise, DM me at promoted@nicoletsong on Instagram. I’ve got something over there for you. Okay, friends, let’s dig in!
Welcome to the School of Self-Worth, a podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we get on the right side of your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong, an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a bestselling author of three books and a work-life balance expert helping ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfillment and radical joy.
Every single week, I will bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life who share insights about what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic every day. Every episode is thoughtfully designed to leave you feeling empowered with tangible tips and advice that will lead you to your next breakthrough.
If you’re a high-performing Asian American corporate leader who’s getting overlooked at work during the performance review cycle, it’s not because of how hard you’re working. It is because you are shrinking your authority where it matters. This is today’s super loaded topic. Are you ready? I cannot wait to talk about this because here’s the truth that nobody else is going to tell you: If you’re a high performer, your boss is probably constantly telling you that you are doing so well, but you’re still not getting the promotion when it comes around.
This is what’s really going on: You’re holding back. You are shrinking who you really are. You are not demonstrating authority in rooms where it matters, and this is costing you. It’s costing you in terms of the title that you’ve earned but are still not getting. It’s costing you your salary, which is not keeping up with your peers in your industry. You’re staying at the same compensation for two to three years instead of moving up. You’re being labeled reliable instead of strategic, and you’ve probably internalized that you need to work harder when you’re already working yourself to the bone. Not only that, you’re watching your less competent colleagues advance.
So let’s resolve this one today, for good. Here are the steps to get positioned as promotion-ready within your organization. The first one is essential, and you cannot underestimate it: emotional regulation. True leaders, the best leaders, are highly emotionally stable. I’m not talking about every leader because not every leader exhibits this quality. The ones you admire, the ones you are most inspired by, are the best leaders you’ve ever known. They don’t fly off the handle; they don’t walk around angry that they’re doing all the work and nobody is paying attention. They don’t resent peers who are advancing past them.
In fact, they celebrate people. They celebrate success and growth. When they get unexpected information, they can handle it. They are calm and smooth. Think about it: If your boss flew off the handle every single time something went wrong at work, it probably made you feel pretty unstable. You may currently have that kind of boss or have experienced it before. Think about the kind of bosses you like. They are smooth. They’re like, “Yep, okay, we’re going to work that out.” They can handle a fire coming at them without totally taking it out on the team. Those are the kinds of people leadership wants in charge, and that’s what they’re looking for in the people they promote.
So if you can master emotional regulation, you will be well on your way to positioning yourself to advance much faster. Once you do that, you can move on to the next step: giving up the idea that you can make everybody around you happy. You probably learned this as a child. When you grow up in Asian households, the idea of harmony is really important. The idea of the collective is really important. You’re constantly doing things that reflect back on your family, or that’s typically what you’re taught. Your goal has probably been to always make sure your parents were happy and that your family was well represented.
Now you’re doing this as an adult, worrying about what other people think about you because you feel like it reflects back on your family. If that’s what you’re doing, it’s no wonder you haven’t advanced. When you do this, you become a workhorse, taking on extra work to help others make them like you. You’re getting lost in fixing their PowerPoints instead of focusing on how you can be a strategic leader who delivers a powerful presentation. You’re constantly making sure that everybody on your team is happy and that everyone above you is happy, and you’re never focused on what would be the move that helps you get to the next level.
So if you can stop worrying so much about how others think about you and make them happy, this is a huge key step for you to access your authority, your authentic voice, and your power. Finally, this last point is really critical: own your authentic, powerful voice. If you don’t trust that you have an authentic, powerful voice, this is exactly what is holding you back. Leaders don’t want people who don’t know their own strengths and are unwilling to own them.
This doesn’t mean being the loudest in the room. I don’t actually care if you’re the loudest in the room. The loudest person doesn’t always get that leadership role, though it can help. It’s really about owning your authority and your position. The more you can do this, the more you can identify and be in your own authentic, powerful place. Being in that identity of “Oh yeah, I am a powerful leader, and I make an impact, and I make a difference in this organization every single day” shows up. That shows up for your bosses. It shows up for your team. You become the person that everybody wants to work with.
Now, you might already be the person everyone wants to work with, but be honest with yourself: Is that because you’re always trying to make everybody happy? Or is it because you are so in your own power and authority that everyone is like, “Wow, I’m really inspired by that person, and I want to learn what she has”?
Lastly, it’s essential to start detaching from the goal of promotion. I know you came to this episode wanting to know how to get promoted, and I’m here telling you it’s time to detach. But detachment doesn’t mean a lack of commitment. It doesn’t mean you don’t actually want to aim for and go for something because I know you want the promotion so much. The attachment is making you tie up all of who you are in this promotion, making you feel like a lesser person because you’re not getting it. That is exactly what we’re trying to stop.
Remember, in the last step, your job is to be an authentic, powerful person. Authentic, powerful people know how to detach from big goals because they understand that they are more than their goals. They are more than this title. The more you can own that and see that for yourself, the more you will get out of that stuck place where you believe your identity and who you are is completely dependent on what’s happening at your job. This is how you get to see the bigger picture.
One of my clients wanted to be a VP for two years, and we worked a lot on detachment. Last year, she finally let it go. She said, “You know, this is something I keep writing down, and I really need to stop putting my energy into this because it was throwing me off track from what I really wanted to do.” Then last week, in a session, she said, “Nicole, I’ve got some news.” I was like, “What? Please tell me!” She said, “I got promoted to VP.” I was like, “Oh my gosh, of course you did!” And it’s because she detached. She was committed. She was doing the work.
She’s been growing her leadership and really working on her emotional regulation. By detaching while staying committed to her work, that is exactly what her organization recognized, and she got the promotion. So if you also want to be positioned as an authority and a leader, this detachment and owning who you are as a person, taking on this new identity of an authoritative leader – no matter what is happening around your position and your title – is crucial. If you can do that, the sky is the limit, truly.
You know, I know a lot of people have been swept up with Alyssa Liu winning the gold, but I promise you, that girl did it. She did exactly that. She was so detached. She said, “I’m fine either way. It doesn’t matter if I win a medal. I am so happy to be here. I’m so committed to my craft and to showing people my art and what I can do.” And that is actually how she won it. She did it with so much joy. It was incredible.
I know it’s been weeks since she did it by the time you’re hearing this, but there’s so much to her story and her approach. She is only 20 and has learned this lesson – a hard lesson for her if you know her backstory. Wow, that was such a powerful example of why detachment is truly essential. And look at where she’s at now.
So if you’re listening to this and you’re like, “Nicole, I’m so ready to start putting these steps into action. How do I get there?” DM me @nicoletsong on Instagram with “promoted,” and we’re going to start there and give you all of the details to apply this to your particular situation.
If this episode resonated with you, share it with your friends. Get it out there because it’s so important for us to start vocalizing, being in our authority, and really moving forward in our lives. Thank you so much for being here. I can’t wait to see you next time.
Thank you for tuning into today’s episode. Before you go, don’t forget, if you are a high-achieving woman who wants to uncover your biggest blind spots preventing fast intuitive decisions, I’ve got a 72-second assessment for you. Make sure to DM me “quiz” @nicoletsong on Instagram.
Thank you for being here and for listening. We read every note that we get from you about how the podcast is making a difference in your life. Please know how much we appreciate each and every one of you.
Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is The School of Self-Worth.
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