{Best of PODCAST} How to Be Less Emotionally Reactive

• Why you might have never learned (culturally) how to connect to your emotions
  
  
• How that disconnect shows up in performance reviews, meetings, and feedback
  
  
• Simple tools to go from reactive to responsive — without abandoning who you are

“When you suppress your emotions,  it actually makes them worse. If you’re being emotionally reactive, it’s because you’re not feeling your emotions.”

“If you look at the word emotion, it’s a movement, it’s an energy. You’re not supposed to get stuck in it. If you are in that experience, that is not how emotions are supposed to work. But the cool thing is that we are human. We do all feel emotions. And so I always want to normalize emotions, that it is normal to have them, and also understand how to manage them.”

“When you’re emotionally reactive, typically what’s happening is you are taking things extremely personally. So if you’re taking feedback personally at work, it’s because you think it’s about YOU.”

And there’s a lot to unpack there if that is going on for you. But I wanted to start to give you a sense of what it is that is causing it, and so that you can start to get into a place where you’re not getting in a reaction, where you’re afraid you’re doing something wrong. You’re not getting defensive, you’re not getting angry. You’re not getting upset, because when we’re in those places, you are not showing up as a leader at work, you know, really starting to understand how to manage yourself emotionally.

“The more that I can stay steady and calm and grounded, no matter what the circumstances are, the more effective I am, the more people trust me, and the more people want me to be in charge.”

“People want people who can take feedback. They want people who don’t take it personally.”

NICOLE

Hello, friends. Welcome back to the School of Self-Worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong. Today we have a hot topic on tap that has been a big issue for many of you recently. I wanted to take the time to go a little deeper today on the podcast. This one is about how to be less emotionally reactive at work. This is especially important for Asian American women who occupy less than 3% of leadership positions in corporate America. But it’s also a relevant topic for anyone looking to improve, grow, and expand in their job.

This is crucial for high-achievers who want to support the women around them, especially Asian American women who might be struggling to get recognized and promoted. This issue can really block you. I’ll be discussing why this impacts you so much and how it affects the way you’re perceived at work.

Before we get started, if you’re an AAPI woman who wants to manifest a promotion in 60 days while working 20% fewer hours, DM me “promotion” on Instagram at @NicoleTsong. I’ve got something for you there.

Alright, friends, let’s dive into this awesome conversation. Welcome to the School of Self-Worth, a podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we align with your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong, an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a bestselling author of three books and a work-life balance expert, helping ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfillment and radical joy.

Every week, I bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life who share insights about what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic every day. Each episode is thoughtfully designed to leave you feeling empowered with tangible tips and advice that will lead you to your next breakthrough.

Hey friends. I was recently in New York for a trip to see my mentor, some of my business besties, and to really focus on the vision for my business, which is essential for me. But New York is also a pretty big trip since I live in Seattle. I have to go all the way across the country, three time zones, and it can have a big impact on me physically and energetically. On top of that, just a week and a half after that trip, I’m heading out soon to lead a five-day retreat for the women in my mastermind. It’s the only in-person event I lead every year. It’s impactful and huge—I love doing it, but it’s a lot.

So, October is a big month for me, and I knew this heading into October. I share this with you because the old me would have freaked out with this much going on. Being away from home, I’m a very structured, grounded person. Traveling a lot, going from thing to thing, and not being settled in terms of where I’m sleeping, how I’m eating, my exercise routine—all of these things used to make me very reactive. This was a pattern I had for a long time. I would get a bit angry and probably have a “don’t you dare give me any feedback or suggestions” attitude when I didn’t have my usual capacity.

Part of the reason I used to get so upset in situations like this was because I didn’t really understand emotions. I didn’t understand what was causing me to be so reactive and upset. In this situation, you might say it’s obvious: you’re traveling a lot, you’re leading a lot, so of course it would cause it. But sometimes we don’t even recognize the obvious things in front of us. I wanted to share my current experience so you can understand how to start changing the way you react, moving from reaction to response, rather than being upset, angry, or blaming others.

Before we get into how to do that, I want to talk first about emotions. Emotions are funny in that we are not generally taught them in this country. People aren’t taught to have, feel, or manage their emotions. I think things are improving over time, but I didn’t learn them in school. I grew up in a family that didn’t discuss emotions—it was like, in Chinese culture, we didn’t talk about our emotions in any way. Logic and reason ruled the day with my immigrant parents, and I don’t blame them.

Recently, I had an experience with my mom where we were talking about something emotional, and she just sort of ended the conversation. It’s just a practice we have to learn. Growing up, I was never asked how I felt. By adulthood, I had learned to suppress my emotions and thought you were supposed to suppress them in work environments to be professional. Suppressing emotions actually makes them worse. That was my pattern, and I know it is likely the pattern for many of you out there. If you’re being emotionally reactive, it’s because you’re not feeling your emotions. Even to this day, I often have to ask myself, “Nicole, how do you feel?” I also ask my clients this all the time because they will logic and reason things to death.

I know for high achievers, this is so common. If you’re constantly using logic to analyze everything, you’re never going to get to the heart of your emotions. The important thing to remember about emotions is that they are meant to move. If you look at the word “emotion,” it signifies movement, energy. You’re not supposed to get stuck in it. For example, if you’re pissed off and don’t let that anger move through you, you can be stuck there for months or years. It can turn into rage, which is not a healthy emotion and quite toxic.

The cool thing is that we are human, and we all feel emotions. I always want to normalize emotions—that it’s normal to have them—and understand how to manage them. Fear is another emotion that comes up all the time. Many of my clients get stuck in fear, especially new entrepreneurs. Perfectionism can cause major problems and comes from this fear. You’re so afraid of getting it wrong, failing, or being judged that you freeze and don’t act.

Rather than living in fear, it’s about experiencing it and getting to the other side. In my course, “Your Clear Calling,” we work on this a lot—what the experience of emotions is, how to move through them, and what it’s like on the other side. Staying in emotions is where many people get stuck. During the pandemic, people were stuck in fear for a long time. Some are probably still stuck in fear from the pandemic.

Now that we’ve looked at emotions and their spectrum, let’s talk about how this impacts you at work. When you’re emotionally reactive, you’re typically taking things personally. When I was a reporter, I got very reactive to feedback. In reporting, we received constant feedback and edits on every story. The software systems we used would show edits in red. I would send my story in, and it would come back covered in red, with lined-out paragraphs and suggestions.

When I was younger, this would activate and stress me out. End of the day at work was terrible because that’s when edits came in, and I would be sure I was going to get fired. I believed I was horrible at my job and the worst reporter on the planet. This daily feedback brought up all my fears, putting me on a constant emotional roller coaster at work.

Then, I learned something that changed everything. The feedback was supposed to help me grow. It was never personal. They were not going to fire me; it was about improving my work and the story. Recognizing this and doing the work to not get activated by feedback, helped me see the truth.

So, if you’re taking feedback personally at work, it’s because you think it’s about you. There’s a lot to unpack there if that’s happening for you. But I wanted to give you a sense of what’s causing it, so you can start to respond rather than react—afraid you’re doing something wrong, getting defensive, angry, or upset. When you’re in those places, you’re not showing up as a leader at work. Really understanding how to manage yourself emotionally, is key.

That was one of the biggest skill sets I’ve learned across three different careers. The more I stay steady, calm, and grounded, no matter the circumstances, the more effective I am, the more people trust me, and the more they want me to be in charge. Have you noticed the most effective leaders? They’re super calm and grounded, no matter what’s going on.

But for most of us, when something pushes our buttons, we blame the person who said it. I used to blame my editors all the time. If you’re feeling emotionally activated by family, you might think, “They should stop saying that.” But why spend so much energy on others when you should be looking at why you have a button that others can push? It’s not about them not pushing the button; it’s about why you have that button.

Looking at these buttons is crucial. How do we start to clean out what’s causing us to be so easily activated by work, family, or anything else? It’s essential to understand that it’s never really personal. Occasionally it might be, but even then, the real question is why you’re letting that person affect you?

This, to me, is the equivalent of giving your power away. When you have a button, you’re giving your power to the person because they can push it and make you upset. They wind up feeling stronger and smarter when they can get you reactive. The real skill is no reaction—zero, none. You need to be Zen, calm. Whenever someone says something upsetting, just think, “Oh, interesting.” This is the only way you can learn and start to be curious rather than judgmental.

Curiosity is a very non-reactive way to deal with things. So, let’s go back to my example of traveling twice this month and leading. I could have a button that could be pushed because I’m worried about not spending enough time with my family before leading my retreat. If I recognize that button exists, I can make sure to spend time with my family to feel good.

We have to start understanding our buttons, what causes them to be pushed, and how we can take back our power to avoid challenges. Identifying the major triggers is a huge first step. That awareness helps you move to the other side of the reaction.

In my Flex Calibration Formula, a lot of the work involves learning to stay grounded, no matter what’s going on. Even if you get unexpected feedback from your boss, you can stay grounded and clear, non-reactive, with no buttons pushed. This is essential for getting promoted and being a leader. People want those who can take feedback without taking it personally, who can say, “Thank you so much. Now I can grow from that.” True leaders are unflappable.

Leaders above you at work deal with problems far beyond what you handle. The great ones are calm and figure things out without getting thrown off. I like to look at people who model what I want to be. They are always smooth and steady. This is essential to my new model, “Get Paid for Your Passion.” How can you expect to get promoted if you get upset over tiny things?

Learning to stay steady is crucial. Imagine being in a boat with a hole, filling with water. You can either freak out or start bailing the water. I want to be the person who finds solutions and acts, rather than freaking out. Mastering your emotional reactions will change your life. Start by checking in with yourself.

Where are those buttons that are getting pushed? How do I start to navigate them? How do I stop having those buttons altogether? Remember, it’s not about the other people. How do I change the buttons so that I’m not getting activated and can start to make some changes for myself?

If you want the exact step-by-step guide for the “Get Paid for Your Passion” model to master your emotional reactions, DM me “grounded” on Instagram at @NicoleTsong, and let’s chat. I’ve got something powerful to share that will help you get to the other side of this, become the person who gets promoted, work 20% less, and break cycles and the ceiling.

Thank you so much, everyone. I can’t wait to connect with you again next week. Thank you for tuning into today’s episode. Before you go, if you are a high-achieving woman who wants to uncover your biggest blind spots preventing fast intuitive decisions, I have a 72-second assessment for you. DM me “quiz” on Instagram at @NicoleTsong.

Thank you for being here and listening. We read every note we get from you about how the podcast is making a difference in your life. Please know how much we appreciate each and every one of you. Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is the School of Self-Worth.