Dealing with Judgemental People

• Understanding the root of judgmental behavior – 00:05:08  
• The distinction between judgment and discernment – 00:05:51  
• Why not to react to judgmental people – 00:10:14  
• Simple responses to diffuse judgment – 00:11:49  
• The link between self-judgment and judging others – 00:13:28  
• Breaking free from the cycle of judgment – 00:14:01

“People who judge others are actually judging themselves. The reason they judge you is because they’re judging themselves.”

“For so many people, fear of being judged is what stops them from putting themselves out there or making the change that they desire.”

“The most important thing to do is…to be non-reactive. So instead of judging back, we just let it slide by. You’re just like, oh, wow, there goes their judgment.”

“Judgment is not the truth. Discernment can offer you truth, but judgment, no.”

“If you can learn to stop being so hard on yourself and start being less reactive to other people, that’s going to start to free you from this cycle of being judgmental, of being intense and hard on yourself.”

“It is really essential to understand the distinction between other people judging you and then you judging yourself, and start to cut the cord on any of those things so that you can actually be in a place where you get to be happy, you get to be connected, you get to feel peaceful in your own life.”

NICOLE:

Hello, friends! Welcome back to the School of Self-Worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong. Today’s topic was so hot with my clients that I knew I had to bring it here to discuss with all of you. Today, we get to talk about dealing with judgmental people. Ooh, I know I told you this was going to be really good! We had such a great conversation about this, so we’re going to dig into judgments today – how to handle them, what’s the source of them, and I’ll give you a couple of really simple, easy tools and responses you can use when someone says something judgmental to you.

Before we dive in, if you are a high-achieving Asian American corporate leader who wants to feel valued and visible to nail the next promotion cycle, DM me “Secret” @NicoleTsong on Instagram. I’ve got more details over there for you. Okay, friends, let’s have this conversation!

Welcome to the School of Self-Worth, a podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we get on the right side of your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong, an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a bestselling author of three books and a work-life balance expert. I help ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfillment and radical joy. Every single week, I’ll bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life who share insights about what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic every day.

Every episode is thoughtfully designed to leave you feeling empowered with tangible tips and advice that will lead you to your next breakthrough. Friends, do you fear other people judging your life and the choices you are making? Are you worried about what they think of you-that they might believe you’re making terrible choices? If so, you are in the perfect place! We are here to dig into this rich, deep topic of judgment-other people’s judgment, what’s at the heart of it, and a few simple tools to help you exit this judgment cycle.

For so many people, the fear of being judged stops them from putting themselves out there or making the changes they desire. Whether it’s a new job, trying something outside your comfort zone, or even getting into relationships, we’re often afraid of what others think. This fear could be the reason you haven’t taken the steps in your life that could make all the difference-like looking for a new job, putting yourself out there for a promotion, or really being more visible and seen. This fear might be at the heart of why you’re not visible; you’re afraid that if you did put yourself out there, you’d be judged so harshly that it would be something you couldn’t come back from.

You might be nervous that others will think you’re presumptuous, outspoken, or speaking out of turn. This concern can definitely stem from being an Asian American corporate leader, influenced by cultural conditioning you learned from your parents, where the collective is often prioritized over the individual. You’re supposed to be concerned about what others think of you because your actions reflect back on your family. If you don’t measure up and are judged, it reflects poorly not only on you but on everyone you love and care about. You can see how there’s a lot of pressure to perform a certain way: get good grades, attend the right college, land a good job, so that you aren’t judged and people appreciate and recognize your efforts.

But the truth is, judgment is happening all the time; lots of people are judging. We’re going to explore all of these pieces, but I wanted to set the stage for you to see why you might be more concerned about judgment than you need to be. 

Now, let’s layer in being a woman of color in the United States. I used to worry about being judged all the time, especially when I was younger-my body, my face, my hair, looking so Asian. This was something I was very concerned about when I was younger. Even as I got older, I pretended not to care what people thought of me, but I was still pretty concerned about whether they were judging me.

Then I learned this little tidbit that literally changed everything. Are you ready to hear this? It’s so essential, so crucial: People who judge others are actually judging themselves. The reason they judge you is that they are judging themselves. They’re judging themselves so harshly that they project that judgment onto you. If someone is judging you, it literally has nothing to do with you.

On the flip side of judgment is discernment. We can make discerning choices. If someone is saying or doing something that doesn’t work for you, you can make the discerning choice to not spend time with them, but you don’t have to judge them for their actions. You see what I’m saying? We don’t want to get into that judgment cycle. When you start to judge, it usually means you’re judging yourself, which leads to judging others. Judgment turns you into judge, jury, and executioner-you’re just trying to take people out, and we don’t want that. 

So, if someone is judging you, the most important thing is to understand that it has literally nothing to do with you. You have options on the discernment side to navigate around it. Once I learned that other people were judging me because they judged themselves, this became my secret weapon. I realized I knew more about that person than they knew about themselves. People who judge often don’t even realize how hard they’re judging themselves. 

When you can be the person who understands this, you don’t have to say any of this out loud. You can keep it as your own secret: the reason they are judging you is that they judge themselves. With this knowledge, you can set yourself free and think, “Wow, they must be going through a tough time.” That’s how I often feel if someone is being judgmental; I feel compassion and empathy. I think, “Wow, it must be tough whatever is going on in their life.” 

The more we can feel connected to people instead of judging the judgment, which is the tendency for most of us – especially in this age of the Internet, where people are constantly judging online – the more we can shift from that constant judgment to compassion. We can think, “They must be struggling,” and approach it from that place instead.

Now, when you have this recognition and awareness, we can be much softer around all of this. But judgment can get a little tricky. Sometimes, when I’m scared of judgment, it’s not that someone has actually judged me; I’m just thinking they will. There’s someone who seems really judgmental, and suddenly, I’ve worked myself into a tizzy, worrying about their judgment. It’s interesting to put a name or a face to this judgment. Typically, I find that when there’s someone you’re afraid will judge you, it’s not really someone you deeply care about. They’re not essential to your life.

Usually, they’re like Susan from Pilates or Christy from work – just someone who’s around. Because they’re constantly in judgment, you’ve given your power to them. You’re always worried about what they think or what they’re going to say. When you identify this, it’s really interesting. I like to play this little game with myself because it helps ground me. I ask myself, “Do I really care what this person thinks? Does this really matter?” 

I live in a world where I put myself out on the Internet consistently, and I used to get anxious about what people thought of me. Now, I really don’t care. I understand that whatever their judgment is, it’s just that – judgment. I’ve identified some people I was scared of, and I thought, “I don’t even know why this person bothers me.” Once I identified them, it helped me. Sometimes, I’d just block them out of my mind, so I don’t have to sit around worrying about their judgment.

The most important thing to remember is to identify these feelings so you can set them aside. Look at what’s happening when someone is being judgmental or when you feel like they’re judging you. 

The tendency for most of us when we’re being judged is to judge back: “Who do you think you are? You don’t have any right to judge me!” We might think, “Why are you judging me for my choices when you’re not making the best choices yourself?” That tendency can come up. 

Here’s the most important thing to do when someone’s judgment comes your way: be non-reactive. Instead of judging back, let it slide by. Just think, “Oh, wow, there goes their judgment.” You don’t have to get ensnared in the energy they’re putting out. Remember, they’re judging themselves and projecting that onto you.

Is that kind? No, but people don’t necessarily know what they’re doing. You’re listening to this podcast, so you’re getting the insight that we can start to remove ourselves from the line of fire. The way to do this is to be non-reactive. If someone is willing to say something judgmental to you, here are a couple of simple, easy tools you can use to enlighten them a little about the words coming out of their mouth. 

When someone says something nasty or judgmental, you could respond with, “Well, that’s interesting. What makes you think that’s the reason I did that?” This forces them to think about why they assume you would act that way when they’re being harsh. Another response could be, “Hmm, I never thought of it that way. Thanks for sharing your perspective.” Again, you remain non-reactive and acknowledge their view without making it a big deal. 

A third way to respond is, “Hey, cool, thanks for your input.” This one’s kind of my favorite because sometimes when people are judging me or telling me what to do, I just say, “Thanks for your input,” and I take it as a suggestion rather than an absolute truth. Remember, judgment is 100% not the truth. It never is. It’s just judgment. Discernment can offer you truth, but judgment does not. So, if you’re hearing and experiencing judgment, just think, “Oh, cool, thanks,” and disengage from the conversation.

These are all important things to remember when dealing with other people judging you. You might also wonder about your own judgments toward others. What does that mean? Here’s the twist: you’re probably judging yourself. This is something I discuss more in-depth in other episodes, like Episode 103, about overcoming self-doubt. Building a strong relationship with yourself will help you break free from this judgment cycle, so definitely check that one out.

If you find yourself judging yourself, that’s where you want to start. Ask yourself: What are you judging about yourself? What are you being hard on yourself about? Once you can see that, you can start to feel free. You might realize, “Wow, I’m judging myself for not performing yesterday,” or “I’m being hard on myself for XYZ.” This conversation is especially important for perfectionists, who can be really hard on themselves. 

If you can learn to stop being so hard on yourself and start being less reactive to others, you’ll begin to free yourself from this cycle of judgment-both of yourself and others. You’ll cut the cord from this whole game around judgment. It’s essential to understand the distinction between other people judging you and you judging yourself. Start to cut the cord on those judgments so you can be happy, connected, and peaceful in your own life, rather than getting stuck in the swirl of judgment.

If you’re thinking, “Man, I’m getting so many insights from this,” please screenshot and share it, tagging me on Instagram @NicoleTsong. I’d love for you to share this conversation because it’s so essential and important.

And if you’re a high-achieving Asian American corporate leader who wants to reverse cultural conditioning that’s preventing you from thriving in your dream career, DM me “Secret” @NicoleTsong on Instagram. I’ve got something over there for you.

Okay, friends, thank you so much for listening! I can’t wait until our next episode. Thank you for tuning into today’s episode. Before you go, don’t forget, if you’re a high-achieving woman who wants to uncover your biggest blind spots preventing fast, intuitive decisions, I’ve got a 72-second assessment for you. Make sure to DM me “Quiz” @NicoleTsong on Instagram.

Thank you for being here and for listening. We read every note we receive about how the podcast is making a difference in your life. Please know how much we appreciate each and every one of you. Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is the School of Self-Worth.