How Judgement is Making Your Visibility Problem Worse

• Feeling unseen is a common experience, especially among Asian American women [00:00:00]
• Judging others is rooted in self-judgment and ultimately disempowers you [00:03:56]
• Judgment, whether toward others or self, diminishes your own visibility [00:06:05]
• True visibility starts with seeing yourself and acknowledging your own gifts [00:08:08]
• Identifying where you judge yourself is the first step to breaking the cycle [00:10:58]
• Consistently recognizing your truth and progress leads to authentic visibility and workplace recognition [00:15:03]

“The real truth is that the start of being seen has to always come from you. Are you looking at yourself with truthful eyes?”

“Someone coming off some pedestal you put them on does not actually make more room for you.”

“When anybody is judging the other person, it’s always because you are judging yourself first.”

”If you were a yes to judging yourself, if that was definitely something you do, you’re definitely not seeing yourself.”

“How can you expect anybody else to see you when you don’t even see you?”

“Once you start to do this consistently, this is where you start to get the acknowledgement at work. People start to notice you’re in your power.”

NICOLE:

Hello, friends. I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is the School of Self-Worth. Welcome back! Today’s topic comes up consistently for my clients and Asian American women in general. We’re going to dive deep into what to do when you feel unseen. This feeling is so common, and the statistics reflect it: less than 3% of Asian American women hold leadership roles in corporate America. To me, that’s not about talent and skill; there’s something else at play. 

Where do we, as Asian American women, buy into this narrative? This discussion is for anyone who is an Asian American corporate leader, as well as for those who manage Asian American women and want to understand how to support them in stepping into their own growth and leadership. 

Before we dive in, if you’re an Asian American woman ready to reverse the cultural conditioning that blocks you from being visible and valued, and to step into your full power and potential—maybe even get a promotion—DM me “power” @nicoletsong on Instagram, because I have something for you!

Welcome to the School of Self-Worth, a podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we align with your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong, an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a bestselling author of three books and a work-life balance expert. I help ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfillment and radical joy. Every week, I bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life who share insights about what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic every day. Each episode is thoughtfully designed to empower you with tangible tips and advice that will lead you to your next breakthrough.

I used to think I was the only person who felt unseen. I was the quiet kid in the back of the room who never raised my hand because that would make people look at me. I constantly felt invisible while everyone else seemed to be acknowledged. I never understood that this was a common problem for many people. I thought it was unique to me, so I tried to cope by judging others.

I would think, “Who do they think they are?” when I saw people succeed. Instead of celebrating their success, I felt jealous. I would try to figure out what made them special or convince myself that they weren’t that special. I’d think, “I’m just as smart as they are. Why am I not being acknowledged?” I judged them for having advantages and privileges. While those factors may exist, my judgment wasn’t a helpful strategy, and here’s why: it only made me feel worse.

Not only was I unseen, but I was also judging others who had the courage to put themselves out there. Instead of seeing them as inspiration or learning from them, I wanted to put them down. I thought that if I could knock them off their pedestal, it would create space for me. But that’s not how it works. Someone stepping down doesn’t create more room for you. Looking back, I realize I had a scarcity mindset; I felt powerless in my quest to be seen.

Judgment was a way to hide my feelings of inadequacy. It’s unhelpful on many levels. Here’s why it matters: whether you’re judging others or being judged yourself, it all stems from self-judgment. If you’re judging a colleague or someone who got a promotion you wanted, it’s because you’re judging yourself for not achieving it. If someone judges you, it’s often because they’re judging themselves. When I feel judged, I remind myself that I don’t have to judge back; they’re dealing with their own issues. 

If you find yourself judging others, take a moment to reflect. When you judge someone else, you’re not just giving away your power; you’re making them more visible while diminishing yourself. This is a cover-up for your own insecurities. Social media is filled with judgment, offering only a temporary boost in self-esteem. But long-term, judging others will only make you feel worse because it’s really about you. 

When you judge others, you become the judge, jury, and executioner in a brutal courtroom of your own making. I don’t want that for you. This is something I usually discuss only with my clients, but it’s crucial for you to understand. You need to exit that house of mirrors you’ve created. 

In many Asian families, there’s often a focus on reputation and collective standing. Judgment may have been standard protocol—an attempt to feel better about oneself. But the cost of judgment is high, often beyond what we can comprehend. I recommend we start to cut that out.

The first step to feeling seen is to eliminate judgment and then assess whether you are seeing yourself. We often make being seen about others—like, “My boss doesn’t see me” or “My colleagues aren’t acknowledging me.” But the truth is, the start of being seen has to come from within. Are you looking at yourself with honest eyes? If you were your own best friend, would your list of what you love about yourself be long? If it’s short or nearly non-existent, that’s a place to explore.

If you’re quick to judge yourself, it’s a sign that you’re not truly seeing yourself. You might be covering up your gifts and talents by being critical and harsh about your achievements. You might think you need to strive harder before you deserve recognition. When you’re in this mindset, you’re hiding the truth. We need to learn to see ourselves fully.

Understanding your unique qualities is essential. How can you expect anyone else to see you if you don’t see yourself? People often want their bosses to acknowledge them without recognizing their own gifts. If you can’t see your strengths, you won’t know what you need to grow into a more visible and valued leader.

The exciting part is that when you start to understand this, you can stop relying on others for validation. You won’t need promotions or raises to feel valued; those things will come much more easily once you do the inner work. 

Here’s how you can start to feel powerful about being seen—this is just for you. The first question to ask yourself is: Where are you judging yourself? Is it at work? In how you parent? How you treat your family? Is it about your body? Identify all the areas where you’re judging yourself. It can be painful, but we need to get to the root of the issue.

If you’re judging yourself in multiple areas, write them down in a journal. Acknowledge the full picture instead of pretending it doesn’t exist. But remember, we’re not going to dwell there. This identification is the first step; we want to move towards seeing ourselves in a positive light.

For example, regarding your body: Is it true that your body is capable, strong, and carrying you through life without complaints? Acknowledge that truth! This applies to work, too. I’m sure there are things you’re doing right. If you’re only criticizing yourself, we need to shift that perspective.

Start to see yourself for who you truly are. Acknowledge your power and gifts. We’re not trying to say, “I’m perfect,” but recognizing the truth allows you to grow into your next level of skill sets and strengths. It’s easy to forget how far we’ve come. Reflect on your progress and celebrate your achievements.

Your job is to acknowledge what is true about you. This will create the space you need to step into your next stage. Notice where you’re judging yourself, identify those areas, and then look around to see the truth of who you are.

As you do this consistently, you’ll start to receive acknowledgment at work. People will notice your power and be inspired by it. You’ll become the person others are interested in promoting because you’re in your power and seeing yourself. That’s when promotions and raises will come.

If you’re thinking, “Yes, Nicole, I want all of this!”—this is what we work on in my course, Your Clear Calling. If you want the exact step-by-step framework to be seen and valued, DM me “visible” on Instagram because I have something for you.

I’d love to hear about the steps you’re taking. Share with me the areas where you’re judging yourself, and let’s work on learning to see yourself. Reach out to me on Instagram at @nicoletsong. I can’t wait to connect with you all soon!

Thank you for tuning into today’s episode. Before you go, if you’re a high-achieving woman wanting to uncover your biggest blind spots preventing fast intuitive decisions, I have a 72-second assessment for you. DM me “quiz” at @nicoletsong on Instagram. We appreciate every note we receive about how the podcast impacts your life. Thank you for being here and listening. Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is the School of Self-Worth.