3 Simple Steps to Reverse Cultural Conditioning

• Why Cultural conditioning blocks leadership – 00:03:20
• Asian cultural values are part of what is holding you back – 00:03:59
• Why you aren’t outspoken and what to do with that feedback – 00:05:20
• Stop capping yourself by thinking hard work will fix things – 00:06:43
• Emotional mastery is essential for effective leadership – 00:10:33
• Separating self-worth from job performance supports growth – 00:14:24

“Your hard work isn’t actually getting you where you want to go… you are stuck in an old cycle and pattern that has been on loop, repeat, since you were a child. And that is: hard work equals success.” 

“You have a voice inherently within you. And this conditioning and all of the things that you’ve learned in your lifetime have taught you to suppress it or to even think that it doesn’t exist. And that is a lie.”

 “To be a leader, you have to be in emotional mastery. You have to be able to deal with unexpected things all the time.”

“Your worth and value has nothing to do with your output, your productivity, how much money you make, your title – it has everything to do with just being human.”

 “Prioritize your opinion of yourself, AKA stop worrying about what other people think of you.”

“If you don’t feel like you’re a worthy human worth celebrating, you’re going to struggle to get other people to celebrate you. Or if they celebrate you, you push it away.

NICOLE:

Hello, friends! I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is the School of Self-Worth. Welcome back! Today, I’m discussing something that rarely gets talked about: the real reason Asian American women often feel unseen and unheard in the workplace. I’ll dive into why you might not be registering as a leader with your boss and the leadership above them, and how to reverse the cultural conditioning that may be holding you back. This topic is in such high demand from my clients that I could spend hours on it, so I can’t wait to break it down for you.

I won’t take hours today; we’ll get to the heart of the matter quickly. Before we start, if you’re a high-achieving Asian American corporate leader who wants to feel valued and visible to nail the next promotion cycle, DM me ‘valued’ @NicoleTsong on Instagram. I’ve got more details for you over there.

Okay, friends, let’s do this! Welcome to the School of Self-Worth, a podcast for ambitious women who know they deserve an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we align with your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong, an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a bestselling author of three books and a work-life balance expert. I help ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfillment and radical joy.

Every week, I’ll bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life who share insights about what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic. Each episode is thoughtfully designed to leave you feeling empowered with tangible tips and advice that will lead you to your next breakthrough.

Okay, friends, have you ever noticed that you’re the employee who is always expected to do all the work? You’re the nitty-gritty person, the workhorse. But when it comes to promotions or leadership, more often than not, you’re excluded from those conversations. Others are advancing while you feel unseen, unheard, and unappreciated. Even if you’re receiving some promotions, you still feel excluded from pivotal conversations about direction, strategy, and the big picture—where you truly want to be.

So, let’s talk about what’s happening. The reason you’re feeling stuck is that your hard work isn’t getting you where you want to go. It’s not that your bosses are clueless—though it might be tempting to think that—it’s because you’re stuck in an old cycle and pattern that has been on repeat since childhood: hard work equals success.

Say hello to cultural conditioning. This began when you were young, often with your parents. We’re not here to blame them; we’re here to understand and learn from what we did and didn’t learn as kids. Part of the reason you work so hard is that you have immigrant parents who may not have had the language skills or educational background to get ahead easily. They had to work harder than everyone else to help your family survive, and they taught you that hard work is the only way to succeed.

Additionally, coming from an Asian culture, there’s a strong emphasis on the collective and harmony. What you do reflects on everyone around you, particularly your family. This was likely very subtle; you weren’t explicitly told this, but you learned it nonetheless. People from Asian families are often taught to be obedient and humble, to avoid embarrassment, and to achieve good grades. Making your parents proud was likely emphasized more than anything else.

When you grow up in this environment, it can be challenging. You’re conditioned to ensure that everything you do reflects well on your family. Now, let’s consider American culture, which emphasizes individualism—about 90% of American culture is individualistic. You have a home culture focused on harmony and family, while the world outside encourages you to be loud and assertive. The kids who got recognized were often the ones who spoke up, while you were taught to listen and be quiet. When you’re not rewarded for being quiet and are instead penalized for it, you start to internalize the belief that you are indeed a quiet person.

This stereotype of Asian Americans being quiet is misleading; my family in Taiwan is anything but quiet! The truth is that this perception has been imposed over time culturally. As a result, you might stop speaking up in school, avoid voicing your thoughts in college, and now, in your job, you’re expected to speak up but don’t. It gets messy quickly, and you might find yourself wondering why everything you learned has led you to this point. Hard work does get you far—maybe five to ten years into your career—where you’re doing well, advancing, and then you hit a ceiling and can’t break through.

You’ve been following this pattern for decades, and it can feel impossible to change. But I promise you, it can be done. This is what my clients in your clear calling are doing every day: examining the cultural conditioning that leads them to hold back, people-please, and worry about others’ opinions. They work insane hours to prove themselves, only to feel frustrated because their efforts don’t yield the recognition they desire.

Today, I want to break down three simple steps you can take to reverse this cultural conditioning, making it easier for successful, high-achieving Asian American women to rewire themselves so they can truly own their authentic voice and step into their full potential. I’m passionate about supporting Asian American women in fully realizing their potential and owning their voices authentically. I’m not about forcing you to speak up or adapt to Western norms; I want you to understand that you inherently have a voice. This conditioning has taught you to suppress it or even believe it doesn’t exist, but that is a lie. Each of you has something unique to say and contribute to the world. What’s happening is you’re hiding it because of these ingrained beliefs.

As someone who was once a quiet Asian American girl, I understand this struggle. I didn’t speak up for most of my life until I realized I had a voice and something to say. That realization led me to become a yoga teacher and eventually host this podcast. Here are three simple yet profound steps to help you move forward:

1. Give Up Emotional Reactivity  

I talk about this often because it’s essential. You may have grown reactive from feeling unseen or unheard. If you’re in the background, feeling angry that no one acknowledges your hard work or that others take credit for it, that resentment can block your growth. You might even feel frustrated with your family for not teaching you how to be impactful or a leader. If you don’t address this emotional reactivity, stepping into a leadership role will be very difficult. Look at the leaders around you—are they emotionally reactive? The ones you respect are likely calm and grounded, no matter what’s happening around them. A leader must master their emotions to handle unexpected challenges effectively. This mastery will benefit all areas of your life, including relationships with family and friends.

2. Separate Your Self-Worth from Your Job

This sounds simple, but the more you tie your worth and value to your job, the more you hinder your growth. If your success is contingent on your job performance, you’ll feel terrible about yourself when things go wrong, leading you to overwork to prove your worth. Learning to detach your self-worth from your job is crucial. You are inherently worthy simply because you exist. Your worth is not determined by your productivity, title, or salary. This requires digging deep, and in my program, we work extensively on understanding how we outsource our worth to our jobs. When my clients learn to separate their self-worth from their job, they often find that this detachment leads to promotions and opportunities. 

3. Prioritize Your Opinion of Yourself  

Stop worrying about what others think of you. This concern often stems from cultural conditioning, where you wanted to please your parents and later extended that desire to friends, bosses, and partners. If you constantly worry about others’ opinions, you won’t focus on the actions you can take as a strategic leader. Tune into your own opinion of yourself. If you’re hard on yourself, it’s time to shift that mindset. Ask yourself what you’re doing well and what you can celebrate. Our brains naturally focus on the negative, so we must be intentional about recognizing our strengths. Prioritizing your opinion of yourself builds confidence and allows you to advocate for yourself effectively. If you don’t see yourself as worthy, you’ll struggle to gain recognition from others.

These steps are simple yet profound, and they’re all things we work on in my course. It takes time to untangle this deep-seated programming, but making small shifts daily can lead you to be the strategic leader who is recognized, valued, and appreciated. If you’re a high-achieving Asian American woman ready for this change, DM me ‘valued’ at @NicoleTsong on Instagram, and let’s chat. This is worthwhile work, and the results can be astounding. I’d love to hear what you took away from this episode. Screenshot it, DM me, or share it on Instagram to let others know how this conversation impacted you. I’m so grateful for all of you for being here and listening, and I’ll see you in our next episode. Thank you for tuning in!

Before you go, remember: if you’re a high-achieving woman looking to uncover your biggest blind spots preventing fast, intuitive decisions, I have a 72-second assessment for you. DM me ‘quiz’ on Instagram. Thank you for being here and for listening. We appreciate every note we receive about how the podcast makes a difference in your life. Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is the School of Self-Worth.