Do you struggle with emotional reactivity, even though you know you want to do better?
Then this episode is exactly what you need. I go deeper into the impact of emotional reactivity and why it’s so essential for ambitious Asian-American corporate leaders to rein it in for good.
In this episode, you’ll learn the cultural conditioning that started your reactivity, and the ROOT CAUSE of it all.
The best news? Once you’ve dialed in the root, that’s when you can set yourself free.
It is so essential it’s something all my clients learn right away.
And in this episode, I’ve got something special for you — TWO powerful questions to help you dial down the reactivity. So make sure to tune in!
“You started to collapse success at work with who you are and that became one and the same. And until you can separate out that self worth piece of who you are from your job, this emotional reactivity is going to continue.”
“The fastest way to get out of a reactive stress cycle is emotional mastery.”
“When we’re in that place where we actually are cool and collected and calm, that’s when we really are in emotional mastery. That is when you start to show up and develop your voice and you start to speak up.”
“Everybody always has some days where they do feel really good and we want to capture it, right? That’s like lightning in a bottle—you really want to know what was creating that experience for yourself.”
“When we are in this pattern of outsourcing self worth to other people’s opinions and giving our power away…typically it’s because we want to be celebrated and we don’t know how.”
“We have a negativity bias in our brains. It’s something to understand does exist up there. And your job is to start to counter it with celebration.”
Nicole Tsong
Hello, friends! I’m Nicole, and welcome back to the School of Self-Worth. I’m going to keep today’s episode short and sweet, in honor of a really important practice and topic: Why being emotionally reactive makes stress worse—and how to break that cycle for good.
Emotional reactivity is a huge topic for my clients. It’s one of the first things they work on when they join Your Clear Calling. So, I decided to create this episode for all of you, to dive deeper into what causes emotional reactivity and how to truly overcome it.
This one is so, so good. Before we get started, if you are a high-achieving Asian American corporate leader who wants to permanently end emotional reactivity and develop your authentic voice, DM me POWER at @nicoletsong on Instagram, and let’s chat. Okay, let’s dive into today’s topic!
Welcome to the School of Self-Worth, a podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we align with your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong—an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a best-selling author of three books and a work-life balance expert. I help ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfillment and radical joy.
Every week, I bring you diverse, meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life who share insights about what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic every day. Each episode is thoughtfully designed to leave you feeling empowered, with tangible tips and advice to spark your next breakthrough.
Let’s start by painting a picture. It’s time for your annual performance review. You’ve got the meeting set on your calendar, and your boss emails the review for you to read beforehand. As soon as you see the notification pop up, you freeze. You feel a clenching in your stomach or chest. You’re sweating, thinking, “I don’t think I can even look at this”. You put off opening it until the last possible second because you’re dreading what it might say. All you can think about are the things you should have done differently since the last review.
If this sounds familiar, you’re in emotional reaction mode. You might be stuck in a cycle of trying not to be reactive, yet you feel helpless. Maybe it happens when you get that performance review email, when someone gives you unexpected feedback, or when a coworker tells you to do something differently. This constant state of reaction at work can feel exhausting.
I totally get it. I used to be so guilty of this. Let me take you back to when I was a yoga teacher. I worked for a studio where, to become a teacher, you had to teach a class—not to students, but to other yoga teachers. Afterward, we would sit in a circle, and they would give me feedback. Let me tell you, it was terrifying. At the start of my career, I had to do this a lot, and it was incredibly nerve-wracking.
One day, I finally realized what was going on—the real issue causing that clenching in my chest, the constant nerves, and the fear of being judged. I was giving my self-worth away to their feedback. I was giving my power away to what other people thought of me.
Maybe you’re doing the same. You might keep doing this because it feels familiar—it’s a huge piece of what holds many of us back from letting go of emotional reactivity. But here’s the truth: you don’t have to. You can learn to separate your self-worth from your job or career.
A lot of this likely stems from family conditioning. Especially in Asian American households, where collective culture and harmony are deeply valued. You might have grown up believing your job was crucial for making your family proud and elevating the collective. Pursuing the highest level of career success became synonymous with who you are. But until you can separate your self-worth from your job, this emotional reactivity will keep cycling.
Now, let’s get back to why this makes stress worse. Why are you reactive before you even know what your boss is going to say? What if, by the way, your boss was going to praise you? You don’t know! Instead, you’re consumed by worry and self-doubt. You give your power away to fear, ruminate on negative possibilities, and block yourself from the truth.
There’s another layer here too: What do you do with the feedback you receive? Do you take it personally? Or do you adapt, pivot, and let it support your growth? There’s a more powerful choice you can make, and while I won’t dive into it in depth today, it’s an important one to consider.
Here’s the thing: the fastest way to break the reactive stress cycle is through emotional mastery. This matters because when you’re already feeling stressed, anxious, or tired, emotional reactivity compounds everything. It keeps you stuck in a loop, thinking and worrying about it all night.
It might keep you awake at night, or even wake you up early in the morning. You might find yourself short and reactive with people who aren’t even involved in the feedback you’re processing from your boss. Or perhaps someone said something that ended up in your review, and now you’re losing your cool. You’re thinking, “I don’t know if I can do this job anymore”. And from there, it all cascades.
What we’re working towards—what we want for you—is emotional mastery. This is the place where you feel grounded, centered, and clear. When an email from your boss comes in, you don’t immediately react. When someone gives you feedback you weren’t anticipating, you don’t feel thrown off. You’re not ruminating all night or beating yourself up for not doing better. Instead, you remain calm, collected, and self-assured.
When we reach that cool, calm, collected place, we step into true emotional mastery. This is when you begin to show up confidently, develop your voice, and speak up. For example, one of my clients, Allie, started practicing the tools inside Your Clear Calling. Within just one week, after previously being told she needed to speak up more, she found herself naturally doing so. It wasn’t forced—it just started to flow. That’s the power of emotional mastery.
This transformation is especially significant for Asian women, as it allows you to own and develop your authentic self from a grounded, empowered place—not from stress or overwhelm.
Like all things, achieving emotional mastery takes practice. Imagine signing up for a dance class but never practicing outside of it—you’d probably feel like you were constantly struggling to keep up. It’s the same here. Sometimes, you just need to say, “Alright, it’s time to do a bit of work on this”.
Today, I want to share simple tools to help you start breaking this pattern. These tools are part of the framework I teach inside Your Clear Calling. Here are two steps to begin engaging with emotional mastery today.
After you hear these steps, I’d love for you to message me on Instagram at @NicoleTsong. Share your answers with me—it’s a great way to get accountability for following through. Sometimes, these questions bring up a lot for you to reflect on, which is where having a coach or support system can really help. Let’s find your pathway forward together.
Alright, here we go:
Think about when you felt your best—calm, cool, and collected. Go back to that day. What was happening? Did you get enough sleep? What did you eat? Did you exercise? Were there boundaries in place for your day? Who did you talk to? What else was going on that contributed to that sense of ease?
Try to paint a complete picture. Was your calendar less crowded? Were things calm at home? Once you have that full picture, write down all the contributing factors. Maybe you took a walk outside during lunch, or you had a spacious, stress-free day. Whatever it was, capture those details.
Your job now is to replicate that environment as often as possible. Everyone has days where they feel really good—those “lightning-in-a-bottle” days. The goal is to figure out what created that experience so you can intentionally recreate it.
Let me share an example: During my years as a yoga teacher, my practice kept me grounded. But when I started my business and wasn’t teaching or practicing yoga as often, I had to find new ways to replicate that sense of groundedness. For me, movement became essential—regular walks became my go-to.
This process is about being curious and intentional. Recognize your good days, focus on making them the norm, and know that it’s okay if they feel rare right now. We’re not here to judge ourselves or make things harder—that only adds to emotional reactivity. Instead, we approach this as detectives, investigating what works best for us.
Emotional mastery is achievable with curiosity, patience, and practice. Let me know how it goes when you work through these steps, and remember—you’re capable of breaking this cycle and stepping into your power.
Okay, friends, make sure to DM me on Instagram at @NicoleTsong with any reflections or discoveries from the first question.
And now, here’s the second question:
Not just casually, but genuinely and deeply acknowledging how amazing you are. If your immediate answer is, “I don’t celebrate myself”, well, now is the time to start.
When we fall into the habit of outsourcing self-worth—giving our power away to someone else’s opinions or focusing on feedback, like your boss’s performance review—it’s often because we crave celebration but don’t know how to give it to ourselves. Here’s the thing: your boss might actually be celebrating you in that review! Any good boss will highlight your achievements, too. But if your attention is always laser-focused on what you’re doing wrong, that mindset spills into your daily life. You overlook what’s going right.
So, here’s your invitation: Be curious. If you’re not celebrating yourself, this could be a wake-up call to start. Acknowledge the wins in your life—the positive and the good. Counter the negativity bias in your brain, which naturally tends to fixate on flaws and setbacks. The antidote? Celebration!
I see this transformation happen all the time with clients inside Your Clear Calling. The practices are so simple—just five to ten minutes a day—and yet the shift is profound. Within a week, clients like Allie begin noticing changes, effortlessly finding new ways to honor themselves. And they don’t have to force it. Just engaging in the process creates a meaningful impact.
So, here’s your next step: Celebrate yourself in some way and share it with me on Instagram. Let me know how you’re acknowledging your wins and achievements. I’d love to hear from you!
That wraps up the two simple steps for emotional mastery:
If you’re an Asian American woman ready for the full blueprint, I’ve got three powerful steps that all of my clients use inside Your Clear Calling. These steps dive deep into emotional responsibility and mastery, transforming reactivity into empowerment. DM me MASTERY at @NicoleTsong on Instagram, and let’s chat about breaking this cycle for good.
Thank you so much for tuning into today’s episode. Before you go, if you’re a high-achieving woman ready to uncover your biggest blind spots preventing fast, intuitive decisions, I’ve created a 72-second assessment for you. DM me QUIZ on Instagram to get started.
Your messages mean the world to me—we read every single note about how the podcast is making a difference in your life, and your kind words truly inspire us. Thank you for being here and listening.
Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is the School of Self-Worth.
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