Wanna know a secret I usually only share with clients?
Every time you start moving toward a dream goal built into the purposeful life you want to have, four blocks show up.
Every. Single. Time.
But if you can make friends with these blocks and understand them, you will have a much easier time navigating them when they come up, just like when you look up directions and you can see which roads are closed.
It’s like a navigation map for your dreams.
Today’s episode is a treasure trove of support, so make sure to tune in and listen to the end!
“This is also the secret that has worked for so many of my clients and it’s something that I usually only actually share with clients.”
“The very first block is disinterring your vision. And if you don’t have a vision and all you know are the things that you don’t want, you’re never going to make any progress forward.”
“Failure is part of the process, and I started to be okay with it instead of letting it reflect on me personally all the time.”
“We have to be able to recognize our current success, to allow ourselves to get to that next degree of whatever is waiting out there for you.”
“This block is massive—if you have no idea what you want, you’re never going to make progress forward. You’ll only react constantly to everything happening around you.”
“When we hold back who we are and the gifts we have, I see it as a selfish choice. Holding back, refusing to tell others what you want to do when you have a gift to share with the world…isn’t serving anyone. Here’s the truth: people are going to think whatever they’re going to think. You can’t control that. What you can control is your own part in doing what you know you are meant to do.”
Asian American women “are often conditioned not to pursue success fully and not to allow themselves to feel successful. Instead, they chase perfection and never let themselves acknowledge, “’I actually did it. I actually did well.’”
NICOLE
Hello friends, and welcome back to the School of Self-Worth. I am your host, Nicole Tsong. Today, I am going to go behind the scenes and share a secret that has been behind all of my biggest goals happening in my life. This is also the secret that has worked for so many of my clients, and it’s something I usually only share with them. But today, I decided not to gatekeep any longer and to actually share it with you because it is too good. So stay tuned!
If you’re an Asian American corporate leader who’s ready to reverse cultural conditioning that’s keeping you hiding at work, and you want to step into a purposeful life where you truly thrive and own your authentic voice, DM me at @NicoleTsong on Instagram with the word “authentic.” I’ve got something special for you over there.
Welcome to the School of Self-Worth, a podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we get on the right side of your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong, an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a bestselling author of three books and a work-life balance expert, helping ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfillment and radical joy. Every single week, I will bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life who share insight about what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic every day. Every episode is thoughtfully designed to leave you feeling empowered with tangible tips and advice that will lead you to your next breakthrough.
Okay, so let’s talk about this secret—it’s one that I really love. It’s something that comes from the book *The Alchemist* by Paulo Coelho, and it’s something I learned from one of my dear teachers, Suzanne Conrad. I want to make sure to give credit to her because it has been so instrumental for me in understanding how to approach big goals.
These are the four things that can get in the way, and if I don’t address each of these blocks as I go, the dream won’t come to fruition. I won’t get to the other side of it. I’ll share an example with you and then go through each of the four pieces so you can understand what it’s like when we’re trying to reach a really big goal—and how we can get to the other side.
I’ll use the example of writing my first book, because I know some of you might have a book goal out there. There are so many things that happened to me during that process that I think will be really helpful for you as you start to pursue bigger goals and dreams. I’m not going to spoil *The Alchemist* for you—if you haven’t read it, definitely go pick up a copy. Get one from your local library; it’s a very short, quick read but incredibly instrumental in understanding what can get in the way of humans reaching their potential, purpose, and stepping into their biggest desires.
Now, the book isn’t explicitly broken down into these four chunks—it doesn’t organize them into chapters or mention them in the titles of chapters. This is something that Suzanne came up with, and I have found it to be incredibly helpful. You’ll see the framework intuitively reflected in the book as you read it, though it’s not explicitly explained. Still, it is an absolutely brilliant structure.
I’m so excited to share this framework with you all. In fact, I have a sticky note on my wall talking about it because I reference it so often with my clients—and for myself. So, let’s start at the very beginning.
The first block to your dreams coming true is the biggest one—it’s the one I see most often stopping women when they come to me. They don’t know what their dream or vision is.
The very first block is discovering your vision. If you don’t have a vision and all you know are the things you don’t want—that’s typically what I hear. For example, “I don’t want to work so much,” “I don’t want a boss who doesn’t appreciate me,” “I don’t want to work more hours,” “I don’t want to work on vacation anymore,” or “I don’t want to feel unrecognized, unheard, unseen at work.”
When we’re in that mindset of knowing all the things we don’t want, we’re not clear on the things we do want. This block is massive—if you have no idea what you want, you’re never going to make progress forward. You’ll only react constantly to everything happening around you. Or, like some of my clients, you’ll end up doing the things that land in your lap. They’re such smart, brilliant women that they often get incredible opportunities and experiences, but they don’t know if those opportunities feel right or aligned for them. As a result, they don’t feel like the authority, the author, or the creator of their own reality. If you’re feeling that way—like, “I have an awesome life, I’m really successful, but I don’t feel like I’m driving the train of my own life”—it’s because you don’t have a vision. Your first job is to go out and find one.
If you’re thinking, “Nicole, I don’t know how to do that,” DM me on Instagram, and let’s chat about vision. If you don’t have one, you’ll keep getting stuck in the same loops over and over again. You’ll keep taking jobs that are handed to you without being clear if that’s the job you actually want. Two years into that job, you might find yourself saying, “This isn’t it either.”
That feeling of never moving forward or knowing the direction you’re going comes from this first block. It’s huge, it’s essential, and it’s the most important one to dial in before moving to the next step.
I’m going to retreat back into my own story about this, because I remember for a very long time that I did not want to write a book. I was a journalist. Everyone around me wanted to write books, and I said, “No, thank you. I am not interested in that.” Then one day, I had a vision, and in that vision, I was an author. I thought to myself, “Okay, I guess things have changed.” For a very long time, the thing that blocked me from the desire was thinking that I didn’t really want to do it. Until I got clear and direct with myself, I didn’t realize that I actually did want to become an author.
At that moment, everything changed because I declared it. I said, “I am an authority.” That declaration got the ball rolling for me to write my very first books, *Yoga for Hikers* and *Yoga for Climbers*. If you haven’t checked those out, I recommend them. So, I had the vision, right? Once you get the vision, the next block starts to come up, and this one is a doozy—especially for Asian American women.
This next block applies to a lot of people in general though, and it is the fear of what other people will think. This fear is such a massive block once you get the vision because, typically, your vision is going to be something you haven’t done before. It’s already scary. It’s going to be something that gives you the shakes—maybe even a little armpit sweat. It feels intense to even think about. Then this fear creeps in, asking, “What will people think of me?”
When I was writing or thinking about my first books, I thought, “Will people think I’m totally crazy for believing I can write a book?” Imposter syndrome definitely came into play here. It might also manifest as being too afraid to let other people know what your dreams are because you don’t want them to judge you. Someone shared this exact concern with me recently—they didn’t want to be judged for the things they had to share.
I have to say, when we hold back who we are and the gifts we have, I see it as a selfish choice. Holding back, refusing to tell others what you want to do when you have a gift to share with the world—whether that gift is writing or something else—because you’re too afraid of what people will think, isn’t serving anyone. Here’s the truth: people are going to think whatever they’re going to think. You can’t control that. What you can control is your own part in doing what you know you are meant to do.
For me, this fear came up particularly with my books. I remember being obsessed with the photo shoots—how the outfits looked and every little detail. I hired a makeup artist. I wanted the pictures to be absolutely perfect. In hindsight, I realized the photos were stressing me out because I was afraid of what people would think of me as an Asian American woman being the authority on yoga for hikers and climbers. I worried people might wonder, “Who is she?” I felt the need to make everything look perfectly polished to guarantee that people wouldn’t judge me—or at least to try to keep them from judging my choices.
Eventually, I recognized I was doing all of this out of fear of what others would think. Once I understood that, I was able to let it go. By the time I did my third book, I didn’t care at all what people thought. My focus shifted to ensuring the photos reflected the energy of the book. Instead of worrying about flawless makeup, I simply told my models to bring lip gloss, wear a cute color, and meet me there. Breaking through this fear of judgment while pursuing our goals liberates you in such a profound way. Once you overcome this block, you’re ready to move on to the next one.
This next block is also a big one: Fear of failure. Does anyone resonate with this? Fear of failure can be a strong presence in life—I’m raising my hand here, too. This block tends to follow after you’ve worked through the fear of judgment and started pursuing your goals.
Fear of failure shows up as questions like, “What if this project doesn’t happen? What if it doesn’t come true? What if I fail—and fail publicly—so everyone can see I didn’t succeed?” Often, pursuing big dreams can be a public experience. For me, when I was writing my books, a lot of people knew I was working on them. I had so much fear that they might fail. I kept wondering, “What if nobody buys them? What if they’re awful? What if people judge me harshly?”
That fear of failure could have paralyzed me. Thank goodness for publisher deadlines—there were definitely days I wouldn’t have been able to move forward without them. Fear of failure is something we need to examine and understand. We have to become friends with failure and learn to separate ourselves from it. Failure doesn’t define who we are.
It’s also important to recognize that fear of failure is completely normal. To this day, I still experience it. Whenever I’m working on a big project or challenging myself to level up, there’s always a part of me that fears failure. However, I’ve learned over time to understand that this fear is simply part of the process.
When fear of failure arises, I remind myself that I am exactly where I need to be. I’m dealing with the right emotions at this moment, and I’m perfectly positioned. Fear of failure is a natural part of life. When you stretch yourself, push into new dreams and desires, and take on big challenges, fear of failure will surface—I have no doubt.
What matters is learning how to navigate this fear and accepting that it’s possible. One way I managed this with my books was by shifting my perspective. I thought, “If just one person learns something from this book—if one person buys it and gains insight—I’ll consider it a success. This book will not have failed.” Allowing myself to view success in that way helped me move forward.
You might need to do something different when facing fear of failure. Perhaps you’re trying to make a big pivot to change jobs, applying to a position where you have no idea if you’ll get it, or putting yourself out in the world in a way you never have before—and you might actually fail. However, the more you can become friends with failure, the more you can start to take risks and challenge yourself.
As an entrepreneur, risk-taking is part of what I do. It wasn’t natural to me in the beginning. It was definitely not something I learned from my parents or family. I became a risk-taker because I became friends with failure. I started to understand that failure is part of the process, and I began to be okay with it instead of letting it reflect on me personally all the time. If you can truly master this third block, I promise it will benefit your life in many ways—your relationships, your career, and even your physical pursuits when trying new things.
How can we start adjusting and calibrating to accept that failure is okay? Failure is normal. All right, so the first three blocks probably feel fairly obvious.
The last block, however, is tricky. For most of us, we don’t even think of this as an issue. It isn’t something we anticipate will come up, but this fourth block to your dreams coming true is fear of success. You might think, “Nicole, I want success; I’m not afraid of it. I’m setting this goal because I want to reach it!” But what frequently happens is that once everything clicks and goes exactly as hoped, fear of success arises.
Fear of success can mean we’re essentially capping ourselves at a limit of how successful we believe we can be. For those breaking through into something big, this fear can feel confronting. It manifests as disbelief—”I never thought I would be this person,” “I never thought I would have this experience,” or “Wow, I really am successful.” Many of us hesitate to allow ourselves to feel successful.
This is particularly true for Asian American women, who are often conditioned not to pursue success fully and not to allow themselves to feel successful. Instead, they chase perfection and never let themselves acknowledge, “I actually did it. I actually did well.” Fear of success is about embracing the moment when you realize that life can be better than you thought—and that it can keep getting better.
When we look at what people discuss online, they often focus on negativity—things that aren’t going well, fears, and challenges. Rarely do we see people sharing how life has continued to improve and reached new levels of success. I challenge you to recognize that life can always get better. Once you achieve something great, you can set a goal or desire for something beyond it that’s even better. But to get there, you need to first acknowledge your current success.
If you have difficulty recognizing that you’re successful right now, fear of success will block you. You won’t allow yourself to reach a deeper level of success. Are you following this? It’s crucial to acknowledge your success now so you can move toward what’s waiting for you next.
We’ve covered the four blocks to your dreams: lack of vision, fear of what other people think, fear of failure, and fear of success. The cool thing is, once you work through fear of success and allow yourself to feel successful—when you proudly say, “I hit this goal”—you reset and start over. You’ll go through all four of these cycles again.
These four pieces are so powerful. They can truly help you navigate the blocks preventing you from reaching a big goal. If you’re feeling stuck, DM me at @NicoleTsong on Instagram, and let’s chat. Together, we can move these blocks out of the way and get you closer to your dreams. If you don’t have a dream yet, that means you’re still in block one—disinterring your vision.
Disinterring your vision means starting to see what lies ahead. What would excite you and help you feel in control of your life? This is exactly what we tackle in my course, *Your Clear Calling*. We also address the other three blocks, but finding your vision is truly foundational.
I want to leave you with this: What is your biggest dream? Maybe it’s something you’ve never even admitted to yourself. If you could have anything in the world, what would it be? DM me at @NicoleTsong on Instagram and share your answer. If you’re still stuck, DM me with the word “vision,” and let’s have a conversation to uncover that dream. From there, you can move through the other three blocks to finish your goal.
Going back to my book, I reached the fear of success block. I thought, “What if these books really are successful?” It was interesting because they were successful—but not as much as I initially hoped. They did well; people bought copies, and I thought, “Great, this is it.” But as time passed—over nine years—those books sold far beyond my wildest dreams. Thousands and thousands of copies. They’re out there living their lives. Twice a year, I receive royalties, which is lovely.
I often reflect on how successful the books are. Beyond what I imagined, they’ve done beautifully. Moving through the fear of success allowed me to embrace their achievements without doing anything else—just letting them be successful on their own.
I’m grateful for this conversation with all of you. If you’d like to talk more about disinterring your vision or overcoming the other blocks, DM me @NicoleTsong on Instagram. I’d love to help.
Thank you for tuning into today’s episode. Before you go, don’t forget—if you’re a high-achieving woman who wants to uncover your biggest blind spots preventing fast intuitive decisions, DM me with the word “quiz” on Instagram. I have a 72-second assessment just for you. Thank you for being here and for listening. We read every note about how the podcast is making a difference in your life, and we appreciate each and every one of you.
Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is the School of Self-Worth.
Discover the blind spots holding you back and take the Boundary Tendencies Quiz
Subscribe to her newsletter