What happens when you’re already in the room where decisions are being made, but your voice still isn’t carrying the weight your experience warrants?
In this episode, I’m breaking down an all-too-common experience for Asian American women in leadership: being in the room, delivering results, managing teams, and carrying significant responsibility, while still feeling like their perspective isn’t fully recognized.
I share the story of a director managing a team of 30 who was frustrated when her insights were overlooked, even when decisions directly affected her work. The issue wasn’t getting into the room; her problem was she wasn’t being experienced as the strategic leader she already was.
In this episode, I break down how early expectations around reliability, hierarchy, respect, and keeping the peace common in Asian families can continue showing up in leadership, and how those patterns can quietly shape what happens before, during, and after you speak.
If you’ve been told to “be more strategic” or “show more executive presence,” I’ll help you look beneath that feedback and understand what may actually be happening.
You don’t need to work harder to prove you deserve the seat. You’ve already earned it.
The work is learning how to lead from your own authority once you’re there.
If you’re ready to explore what that looks like, join my Strategic Authority Sprint.
“There is a difference between being trusted to execute and being trusted as an authority, as a leader in the space that you exist in.” Nicole Tsong
“High performers are so good at being reliable, but that doesn’t mean you’re the person who gets a say in what is getting chosen.” Nicole Tsong
“Being reliable is an excellent way to see yourself if you want to make progress, especially earlier in your career.” Nicole Tsong
“The biggest thing that is missing for you is your sense of ownership and power in that particular situation.” Nicole Tsong
“Authority does not come from other people, it’s going to come from something that has to shift within you.” Nicole Tsong
“This is the definition of success typically for Asian families: you get the grades, you do everything that you’re supposed to do, you follow the rules. And when you do all of that, you get seen as reliable.” Nicole Tsong
“A lot of people think that authority comes with big decisions…Outsourcing your authority and your power is really happening all the time in small incremental moments.” Nicole Tsong
“Changing how your leadership is experienced in real time is the thing that will matter.” Nicole Tsong
TRANSCRIPT
146 You’ve already earned the seat
NICOLE TSONG
Hello friends. Welcome back to the School of Self-Worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong. Today we get to talk about a situation that occurs for so many Asian American women leaders. The situation is when you are in the room and they’re still not asking for your opinion. If this has ever happened to you, you do not want to miss today’s episode. This one is designed exactly for you. And if you are an Asian American leader who wants a seat at the table where strategy, influence, and leadership decisions are happening, grab a seat in my Asian Authority Sprints. The link is in the show notes. Okay, friends, let’s dive in.
Welcome to the School of Self-Worth, a podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we get on the right side of your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong, an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a bestselling author of three books and work-life balance expert, helping ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfillment and radical joy. Every single week, I will bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life who share insight about what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic every day. Every episode is thoughtfully designed to leave you feeling empowered with tangible tips and advice that will lead you to your next breakthrough.
Have you ever been in a meeting where the conversation directly impacts your work, your team, all the projects that you’ve been focusing on, and then the decision makers – the leaders, the C-suite executives – ask someone else in that room what they’re thinking about the situation? That moment is not random. It tells you so much. It’s giving you so much information about how exactly leadership is experiencing you as an authority in your own space.
There is a leadership trap that almost nobody is talking about, and that is about how the people who work the hardest do not always become the people that leadership trusts the most. This was happening for one of my clients. And let me tell you, she was so frustrated.
She is a director-level leader, and she’s leading a team of 30 people. The conversation was directly impacting her team. She was sitting right there, but she still was not getting asked what she thought. So you might be wondering what is really going on here in that situation. Part of the problem is this: high performers are so good at being reliable. You work hard. You might even be on the workaholic spectrum. You get so much done. You can execute brilliantly. You work insane hours. Bosses have come to trust that you will do those things – that you are a great person to receive really big projects. They know that you will manage it so well and get to the other side.
But that doesn’t mean that when they’re in a situation where they’re trying to figure out a bigger strategic direction and they’re going beyond execution – they’re going beyond who’s going to get the work done, who’s going to get the outcomes that we’re looking for – they think of you as that person who’s doing all of those things. But when they’re really looking to set that bigger-picture vision, you are not the person who gets a say in what is getting chosen. You are not the person who is getting your voice heard about the priority for that bigger element of your team, your division, your company.
There is a difference between being trusted to execute, to put things out there, to get it done, and being trusted as an authority, as a leader in the space that you exist in. And a big part of that really is when you have learned – probably as a child – to be a high performer, you actually had to be really reliable for all of these things to happen. And when you are a reliable person, this is the definition of success typically for Asian families: you get the grades, you do everything that you’re supposed to do, you follow the rules. And when you do all of that, you get seen as reliable. You’re someone they know they can count on, and you know that this equates to success.
So when you’re young, this is how you start to build this notion of what success looks like. And then you bring it into the workplace, and it helps you advance. It works.
Being reliable is an excellent way to see yourself if you want to make progress, especially earlier in your career. The thing is, when you become somebody who executes really well – and I would love for you to think about somebody you know who executes really well. It could be somebody on your team, somebody you know well, and you’re like, wow, I really don’t understand why they don’t value this person more. Or maybe you don’t value this person as a strategic thinker. It’s really because they have become so ingrained in this identity of execution.
Now we’re looking at this place where you want to be seen as a leader. You want to be looked at for your discernment, for your perspective, for your ability to set the direction. And when you have so many years of experience, you have this leadership already inside of you. You have this available, and yet nobody is drawing it out.
So it’s really similar to being the person, for example, who decides where the vacation is going to be versus the person who books the hotel, the restaurants, the activities. There is nothing wrong with being the person who books a hotel, does all that stuff – I love doing those things – but it’s not the powerful position of being the person who decides where the vacation is. Going to Hawaii is a huge difference from going to Portugal. Like, where is the vacation going to be? Then being the person who books everything. They’re both important roles, but only one is shaping the direction, the energy, the vibe of that experience.
The biggest thing that is missing really for you is your sense of ownership and power in that particular situation. Without it, you can start to feel frustrated, feel stressed, because you’re like, what’s the point of everything that I’m doing? I’m just executing all the time, and I get no say in that bigger picture.
A lot of people think that authority comes with big decisions – that what’s missing is you are not being asked to make those big decisions, and so that’s why you’re lacking authority and respect in your workplace. But it’s actually not those high-stakes situations where things can change and things can shift. Outsourcing your authority and your power is really happening all the time in small incremental moments. Over time this starts to compound.
It’s happening before you speak, it’s happening while you’re framing your thinking, and it’s also happening right after you say anything. In that really micro moment is when you’re being assessed, and you might not even realize that this is occurring.
Here’s the way you know if this is happening: it’s based on the feedback that you’re receiving from your boss. Especially if you’re getting pretty vague feedback like “be more strategic,” “have more executive presence.” If you’ve heard that consistently for a few years now, and it’s maybe happening even from multiple bosses, you know that you’re actually not stepping forward into your power, into your authority as a leader, because that feedback is not actually telling you to be somebody else. It’s telling you that your leadership is not experiencing you that way yet.
Over time, this frankly can feel pretty exhausting. You know you’re capable of more. You know that you have insights and vision that you’re not able to voice, or you’re not really having conversations about it, but you’re still being experienced at a lower level, no matter what your title is.
As you all likely know, it’s not about working harder, and working harder is not going to give you this outcome. This is the thing that will matter: changing how your leadership is experienced in real time. And on top of that, understanding where authority comes from. It is not going to come from other people. It’s going to come from something that has to shift within you.
When we’re understanding this, the cool thing is, wow, how much power is there and available for you when that shift has to come within. And what exactly is that shift? How to learn to shift yourself, to step into that bigger picture for yourself. All of these things are what I teach and talk about inside the Strategic Authority Sprint, which is happening right now. So if you’re listening to this on the day that the podcast drops, you still have a chance to get in.
Make sure you go into the show notes and grab it. Even if you’re listening to this at a later time, there’s so much value in there. Go grab a seat, listen to what we’re talking about, and really learn how to shift these patterns in real time so that your leadership starts to experience you as the strategic authority that you already are.
Make sure you go into the show notes below and grab a seat. And thank you all so much for listening today. I can’t wait to see you in the sprint, and I’ll see you again next week on the School of Self-Worth.
Thank you for being here and for listening. We read every note that we get from you about how the podcast is making a difference in your life. Please know how much we appreciate each and every one of you.
Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is the School of Self-Worth.
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