Today, I dive into the MAIN thing blocking Asian-American women from getting a true seat at the table. And you do not want to miss what we talk about, because it’s NOT about your old stand-by, working harder. In fact, when you learn the details about this block, it can help you actually work LESS.
Once you identify your personal block , and often we need some help to figure out exactly what it is , the next step is to understand how to STOP doing it.
This is such an important conversation for Asian-American women leaders, make sure to dive in and then message me on Instagram @nicoletsong with your insights! When you master overcoming this block, this is the moment shift out of seeking validation to leading strategically and confidently, truly claiming your seat at the table.
“Working harder doesn’t create executive leaders.” Nicole Tsong
“The truth is more hours doesn’t get you anywhere.” Nicole Tsong
“Your protective pattern is costing you. It is costing you in your leadership. It is costing you your seat at the table.” Nicole Tsong
“Internal authority is you being able to regulate yourself in that moment, being able to stabilize your emotional stance, and being able to stay grounded.” Nicole Tsong
“Real leadership is that ability to be responsive in the moment.” Nicole Tsong
“When you have that internal authority, you stop analyzing all of your behavior based on everybody else around you that you’re supporting. You really start to own what it is that you need.” Nicole Tsong
TRANSCRIPT
145 The main block to having a seat at the table
NICOLE TSONG
Welcome back to the School of Self-Worth. I am your host, Nicole Tsong. I am so excited to talk about today’s topic. It is massive for Asian American women, and it is about the biggest block – the main block – to having an actual seat at the table. We’re going to get right into the heart of this.
Before we get going, if you’re a high-performing Asian American woman who is ready to stop overexplaining herself and start being the strategic leader that you are, DM me “leader” on Instagram @NicoleSong. And make sure to subscribe on YouTube and follow wherever you listen to your podcast so that you can get more content like this. Okay, friends, let’s dig in.
Welcome to the School of Self-Worth, a podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we get on the right side of your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong, an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a bestselling author of three books and work-life balance expert, helping ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfillment and radical joy.
Every single week, I will bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life who share insight about what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic every day. Every episode is thoughtfully designed to leave you feeling empowered with tangible tips and advice that will lead you to your next breakthrough.
So if you’re a high-achieving, high-performing Asian American woman and you have risen through the ranks – you’re managing teams, you’re doing all the things, you’re running the show in many different ways – and yet you still don’t feel like you have a seat at the table. Like your voice isn’t heard. You’re not seen. You’re doing so much work for everybody else, and yet this one thing still feels so elusive.
This is what we’re going to get into today: what is the real block to you having the seat at the table? And I know for so many of you, this feels like, whoa, how am I going to really start to figure this one out? And that’s what we’re going to get into today.
First, we’re going to start with the real lie that high-achieving women keep believing, particularly those of you listening who are my Asian American women. And this lie comes back around and around and around. The lie is this: working harder is going to get you what you want.
Because the truth is, more hours doesn’t get you anywhere. Many of my clients come in exhausted, burned out because they’re working so hard and yet they’re not getting what it is they want. And the truth is that working harder doesn’t create executive leaders. You’ve probably noticed and experienced this from people around you who get promoted, who advance. That’s not what creates leadership. Because if it did, you would already have the promotion, or you would already be leading larger initiatives, or you would already be seen as strategic. You would already have the seat at the table.
And this is what I want you to start to pay attention to and notice.
This happens to so many of my clients where they have a meeting they’re leading – they’re already in charge, they’re the one presenting, they’re delivering. They’re prepared. They are overprepared. They have perfect slides. They’ve rehearsed it a bunch of times. Then during that meeting, somebody above you – your VP, president, CEO, whoever – asks a question. And in that moment, something happens. Maybe your mind goes blank, or you start to overexplain everything you’re talking about, or you hold back a little bit because you’re not quite sure what to say.
Sometimes what happens is that somebody else says the thing you’re saying, and everyone’s like, “Oh yeah,” like they totally agree with what they said. And you’re like, hey, hold on, I just said that. Or at nighttime, you’re replaying this meeting for hours.
So if this is happening to you, we’re going to talk today about what exactly is happening, because this is actually the reason you’re not getting a seat at the table. It’s a good one.
Here’s what happens: there’s tons of leadership advice out there. Tons of leadership trainings. And they’re often getting this wrong. And if you’re actually a manager who’s saying this to your team, let’s start to up the game in terms of our feedback, because this kind of feedback frankly is not very helpful. You might have gotten this feedback yourself in your own career.
This is the kind of feedback: “You should speak up more.” Maybe you already are speaking up. If you’re leading the meeting, you’re definitely speaking up. So how is that even going to help you?
Sometimes they’re like, “You should be more confident when you’re delivering a presentation.” And you’re like, well, I am pretty confident when I’m delivering a presentation. So the issue for you isn’t around being more confident.
Or they say, “Be more decisive, take action faster.” And you’re struggling to take action fast because of the thing we’re going to talk about.
Or they say, “Have executive presence.” You’re like, okay, what does that mean? Speak slower? Be louder? What does that actually mean?
Because all of these are symptoms – not a diagnosis. They are not going to give you the root cause of what’s going on. All of this advice is generalized. It’s not specific. It’s not clear. It’s not helpful.
So we’re going to talk about the real cause and the real things that are going on in this situation, because I want you all to understand what’s happening here.
What happens in a situation like this? You’re in a meeting, delivering the presentation, fully prepared. You have your ideas, your recommendations – you’re going for it. But when your VP asks a question or someone challenges you in the moment, or someone says something off the cuff, what that does is it creates pressure. Pressure of expectation. Pressure of worrying about what people think. Pressure that you might be getting it wrong.
What happens is that pressure creates a protective pattern inside of you. This is the block: your protective pattern.
Your protective pattern has lots of versions. Some people second-guess themselves. Some people overexplain. Some people backtrack.
When we get into this protective pattern, we suddenly stop trusting ourselves. Because when you’re second-guessing yourself, you’re not trusting yourself. You’re not trusting your years of experience and skill. You’re doubting your data. You’re doubting your recommendation. You stop trusting yourself.
And in that moment, as soon as you stop trusting yourself, that’s when your leadership changes. That’s when you’re not showing up as a leader. They’re not experiencing you as someone confident who knows what they’re saying.
If you’re an overexplainer, you’re giving them so much more information than they need. You probably notice you’re losing them as you’re speaking.
Those of you who backtrack – you can feel yourself giving up a tiny part of your soul because you’re backtracking on something you actually feel clear about.
These protective patterns come from childhood. You were raised by Asian parents who care about the collective, the whole, the bigger picture. They don’t want you to embarrass the family. They want you to represent the family well. Your protective pattern might be to backtrack or soften because you don’t want to embarrass the family.
But the real result is that it’s having you not show up as the leader you are, despite your years of experience and skill. This protective pattern is costing you. It’s costing you leadership. It’s costing you your seat at the table. It’s costing you the potential to say, maybe I need to be in a different environment. Maybe you want to pivot. Maybe you’re undervaluing yourself and your market rate because you think this is all you get to have.
One protective pattern that comes up for Asian women is loyalty. We stay so loyal to companies even though it might be past time to leave.
These protective patterns are built in to try to make you feel safe. And there is a cost. So when you start to see what that is and recognize that this block is occurring, now is the time to make a shift.
This is what I teach in my framework around internal authority. The thing you want to learn to do is regulate in the moment. When that pressure comes in – the boss says something, someone doesn’t like your recommendation, or someone repeats your idea and everyone praises them – internal authority is you being able to regulate yourself in that moment. To stabilize your emotional stance. To stay grounded. If you get dysregulated, we know because that protective pattern comes up. Internal authority is regulation.
Then the next piece is repositioning yourself. You regulate your nervous system, then reposition yourself back into leadership, back into authority, back into what you know – your skillset, your strengths, your experience.
When you reset back into that place, now you can respond. You can say what you need to say succinctly, with conviction. You can say it from a grounded space. You can pivot when people change what they’re saying or their ideas in the moment.
Real leadership is the ability to be responsive in the moment.
So when we’re truly in internal authority, you can follow these steps and get to a place of being in response versus reaction.
Before internal authority: you’re replaying every meeting, overexplaining, waiting for certainty, working too many hours, seeking validation from bosses.
After internal authority: you’re thinking clearly. You’re influencing decisions. You’re trusting your judgment. You hold your ground. You are now leading strategically – and everyone recognizes it. That’s the game changer.
This is how my clients shift. This is how one client got her VP position – at the moment she least expected it – because she owned her internal authority. And that’s when they said, it’s time for you to be elevated.
For many of you, understanding and owning internal authority is what’s going to get you that seat. It’s what’s going to help you get the recognition you crave. It’s what helps you settle into understanding yourself as a leader in a totally different way.
This also lightens the burden of leadership. Sometimes we feel like we’re carrying so much for everybody. When you have internal authority, you stop analyzing your behavior based on everyone else. You start to own what you need. You start to own your voice and your experience. It’s a more powerful place to lead from.
The reason most capable leaders can’t change this alone is because we have to understand what we know and what we don’t know. Some of you know this – you’ve heard it before – and it’s helpful to hear it more than once.
There are things we know we’re good at – your expertise, your industry knowledge. Then there are things you don’t know and you know you don’t know them – like me and cars. If my car broke down, I definitely cannot fix it. I wouldn’t even want to go on YouTube to figure it out. You all have those things too.
But then there’s a whole realm of our lives where we don’t know that we don’t know. Blind spots. These are places where we don’t recognize what’s happening. Our protective patterns fall into that place. They happen in an instant.
One client asked me, “How do I shift it?” We had tools we were working on, and there’s consistency of practice. This is why we can’t change this alone. If I want to change something, I need accountability to reset and change that pattern.
Even the best, smartest leaders can’t do this by themselves. It’s essential to understand these patterns – second-guessing, self-doubt – all the ones underpinning overexplaining and not feeling confident. These patterns are old. They’re ingrained. They’re habits we’ve had for many years.
For you, start to understand what pattern shows up most often. That’s the first piece. Then understand what triggers it – the consistent situation that causes it. Then understand how it’s affecting how decision makers see you and what kind of leadership reputation you’re developing. And finally, understand what will actually shift it.
If you’re like, yes, I really want to know – that’s the final piece. Understanding what will shift it and putting that into place. It’s the most important puzzle piece. It’s what I work with my clients on.
So if you’re right here and you’re already seeing this pattern – even in this conversation – and you’re starting to recognize your pattern and you’re like, I am ready to shift it, DM me “leader” @nicoletsong on Instagram and let’s chat. I’ve got details for you. I’ve got something for us to work through: how to recognize it, what’s triggering it, how it’s affecting your leadership, how it’s changing your leadership, and finally getting to the point where you can shift it.
Thank you so much for being part of this conversation. It’s such a rich one. It’s such an essential one for Asian American women to make these changes. We’re such a small percentage of leadership, and if you’re already a leader, I want you to show up in the biggest way possible. So let’s make that happen.
All right – DM me “leader” @nicoletsong on Instagram and/or share a screenshot of this on Instagram. Let people know you’re getting these amazing insights, and I will see you next time on the School of Self-Worth.
Thank you so much for tuning into today’s episode.
Before you go, don’t forget: if you are a high-achieving woman who wants to uncover your biggest blind spots preventing fast intuitive decisions, I’ve got a 72-second assessment for you. Make sure to DM me “quiz” @nicoletsong on Instagram.
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Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is the School of Self-Worth.
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