Do you ever feel like slowing down means you’re falling behind?
Do you have a hard time letting go of control?
What if I told you that the moment you surrender is the moment everything could start to align?
In this week’s episode, I dive into the powerful and under-discussed themes of surrender and rest–two key practices that are often missing for high-achieving Asian American women who’ve been taught that worth comes from productivity.
Tune in to learn how to reverse the cultural conditioning of this deeply rooted belief, and easy steps you can take to immediately start practicing surrender and rest.
Whether you’re navigating a major life transition or simply craving more spaciousness in your days, this episode will show you how surrender and rest can open the door to clarity, peace, and unexpected momentum.
“When we can truly ask for and receive help, that is an act of surrender and also an act of creating community and connection. I find that this is at the heart of so much of what we all desire in our lives.”
“Surrender and rest are essential. They allow you to step into your life differently and release the feeling that life isn’t enough or isn’t working out for you. They provide a pathway to see that life is for you because you’ve let go of needing it to be exactly as you imagined.”
“For me, asking for help is the truest act of surrender. It’s me saying I can’t do it all myself. I don’t have to do it all myself.”
“When we are truly able to ask for and receive help, that is an act of surrender, and that is also the act of creation, of community and connection.”
“I’ve learned that when I finally shed the cultural conditioning that said, ‘Do it all yourself, figure it out, don’t tell people, and don’t look weak by asking for help,’ I realized that asking for help is how you grow.”
“All of this that I’m sharing is because I don’t let work be my identity. I don’t let work be all of who I am. It does not define me.”
“Surrender and rest is essential. It is what really allows you to step into your life in a different way and to give up feeling like life is not enough or it’s not working out for you.”
“Success to me was deeply tied into the work I was doing. But for me now, success is so different. Success is feeling strong in my body, having a happy marriage, feeling love with my friends and family, doing things that are fun for me and really being connected to the world.”
NICOLE:
Hello, friends! Welcome back to the School of Self-Worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong. It feels so appropriate and aligned to talk to you about this episode’s topic of surrender and rest because I’m recording this while I’m pregnant, and this episode will be airing while I am on maternity leave. Surrender and rest is a topic that I am acutely aware is missing for Asian American women, especially you high achievers. So it felt like the perfect time to come in and discuss this critical topic.
Before we get going, if you are an Asian American corporate leader who is ready to reverse cultural conditioning so you can thrive in your dream career in 60 days, DM me “reverse” on Instagram @NicoleTsong – I’ve got something over there for you. Okay, friends, let’s jump into this really fun and expansive topic.
Welcome to the School of Self-Worth, a podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we get on the right side of your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong, an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a bestselling author of three books and a work-life balance expert, helping ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfillment and radical joy. Every single week, I will bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life who share insights about what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic every day. Each episode is thoughtfully designed to leave you feeling empowered with tangible tips and advice that will lead you to your next breakthrough.
So, I’m recording this episode while I am 35 weeks pregnant, which means I will be nine months pregnant next week. This is my first pregnancy, so it has been a journey, to say the least, to stay connected to my body and its evolution over the last few months. As someone who is a high achiever, ambitious, super active, and movement-oriented, I am a doer all the time. It’s been a significant lesson in tuning in on a deeper level to myself. I wanted to cover today’s topic of ‘Surrender and Rest’ from two perspectives: first, physically, and second, how I’m integrating surrender and rest into my work, which I know will be relevant to many of you out there.
Let’s start with the physical. First, I’m going to link in the show notes a story I wrote for the Seattle Times about staying strong in pregnancy and the various tactical things I did. If you’re someone who’s pregnant or thinking about getting pregnant, this article will be useful for you to see how I approached it.
For those of you who are new to me, my background is in movement. I was a yoga teacher for 13 years and wrote a fitness column for the Seattle Times for six years. Movement is deeply integrated into my life. I entered this pregnancy strong and physically healthy.
This is my usual routine: I walk 10,000 steps a day. I was Olympic lifting twice a week, doing yoga two to three times a week, and taking a tap class once a week. This was just normal for me before I got pregnant. Up until about eight months pregnant, I actually maintained most of that. My steps waxed and waned depending on my energy levels, but I consistently got at least 6,000 to 8,000 steps daily. I was still lifting weights, and I only really stopped yoga around 32 to 34 weeks when I started feeling awkward in class. My tap classes also ended.
Now that I’m at 35 weeks, I’m pretty much down to Olympic weightlifting, but I am still lifting and walking. You might be thinking, “Okay, Nicole, I thought this was a podcast about surrendering and resting, and that sounds like a whole lot of stuff.” Yes, that’s true. I wanted to share that because a lot of my surrendering involved letting go of what I knew truly supported me. Moving my body was one of the most important things for me to feel healthy and strong during this pregnancy.
I can only speak from my own experience. I am not a prenatal or postpartum specialist. I will say that I’m in my late 40s and have had a really healthy pregnancy. I haven’t had many symptoms. I had some nausea in my first trimester, but every time I felt nauseous, I made myself go to yoga or my lifting class, and it would almost always go away. After class, when I was tired, I still went on walks, which helped my energy levels return every time. I haven’t had any weird cravings.
I’ve experienced a little insomnia, mostly in the third trimester, but I’ve been sleeping through the night, which I’ve heard is not the case for many other new moms or pregnant women. I haven’t had any swelling, blood pressure issues, or unhealthy blood sugar levels. I really credit movement for all of that; that’s why I’ve felt so good. If I were pregnant again and it weren’t going this well, that would be a different story. But I genuinely feel that movement has been key.
One book I read mentioned that if you could put movement into a pill, pregnant women would take it every single day – that’s how essential and important it is. I’m sharing this because you might wonder, “Okay, how is that surrender?” For me, it’s about surrendering to what I know will truly support me. There’s a lot of information online about what you should and shouldn’t do during pregnancy. Yes, I was very active when I started, and I also knew that there were some movements I’d have to adapt to as my belly grew, as I gained weight, and as I felt different in my body. But I also found ways to rest.
I realized that I had to surrender to the fact that movement would always be a priority for me. There are other ways to rest, too. I cut out many social activities that felt overwhelming. I started going to bed earlier. I maintain strong boundaries around how much I work, and I’ll get into that in the work section. I’ve had to surrender to the realization that I can’t do everything.
While I’m generally good at asking for help during pregnancy, I’ve had to do it on a completely different level. For example, last week, when I recorded this, my husband and I had five friends at our house. They were on the roof, painting the nursery, organizing baby clothes, and working on the bathroom. For me, asking for help is the truest act of surrender. It’s me acknowledging that I can’t do it all myself and that I don’t have to.
There are people out there who want to support us. I can ask for help and allow them to assist me. The people who came over were all individuals who had offered their help, so my husband, Michael, and I decided to let them know what we needed. It was amazing! It felt so community-oriented and connected. We had so much fun, and I haven’t felt guilty at all about asking for help.
That’s often what happens when you ask for help, especially for Asian Americans. You might not have grown up learning to ask for help or to rely on others; you always did things on your own. We’ll delve into that cultural conditioning shortly. To counter this, you need to start receiving help and saying yes when someone offers. I had multiple offers from friends asking, “How can I help? What do you need?” So, I told them what I needed, and they came over to assist us.
When people are generous and I allow them to help, I get to practice gratitude, thinking, “Oh, wow, my life is so abundant. Thank you for being part of my life.” It’s a true contribution. It doesn’t have to feel like, “Now I owe them.” Instead, I think, “I’ll write them a thank you note and express my gratitude for their support.” If they were in my position and had the capacity to help, I would do the same for them.
When we can truly ask for and receive help, that is an act of surrender and also an act of creating community and connection. I find that this is at the heart of so much of what we all desire in our lives. That was one of the pieces that made a huge difference for me during this pregnancy.
Now, for the part you might be extra curious about: how I’m practicing surrender and rest when it comes to work. Before I reversed cultural conditioning, there’s no way I could do things the way I’m about to share. I would have gripped tightly, micromanaged everything, and felt stressed about taking time off.
I might not have allowed myself to take much time off at all. As an entrepreneur, I could have said, “I’ll be back to work in four weeks,” without actually taking the necessary space and time for myself and the baby. I know entrepreneurs who have done this. I learned from my immigrant parents to work hard; that has never been a question in my life. I’ve always known how to work hard – it’s how I got good grades, got into Dartmouth College, and accomplished so many things.
For many years, my success was deeply tied to the number of hours I worked and how hard I worked. I remember one of my peak periods was when I lived in Anchorage, Alaska, covering a U.S. Senate race. I was working until 8 PM every night, following candidates around and working on stories. It was intense. When I was a yoga teacher, I was also writing my fitness column, teaching 10 yoga classes a week, and working 20 hours a week for a yoga company. I was probably putting in around 60 hours a week at that time. I know how to work hard.
But now, I’ve reversed that cultural conditioning. I’ve started to understand that I can work hard in allotted periods of time and also be present in my life during other times. I’ve learned to contain my work to the amount of time I want to spend on it. I also allow myself space to do the things I love, move my body, spend time with people I cherish, and enjoy my life.
Now, I work an average of 25 hours per week – about five hours a day – and I’m going down to zero for maternity leave. I’m so grateful for that flexibility. I can return to work at a pace that works for me and the baby.
As an entrepreneur, I could easily work 50 to 60 hours a week. I have friends who do that. I could work crazy hours, but I don’t. The reason I don’t is that I have surrendered so much. I have an incredible team that supports me. I have people keeping things running behind the scenes and amazing coaches supporting my clients during my maternity leave.
I looked at the areas where I needed help and asked for it. Here we are again in that place of surrendering – understanding that I don’t have to do this all by myself, even in my own business. I didn’t just do this for maternity leave; I did it as a way to grow. I’ve learned that when I finally shed the cultural conditioning that said, “Do it all yourself, figure it out, don’t tell people, and don’t look weak by asking for help,” I realized that asking for help is how you grow.
For me, maternity leave has been an opportunity to grow. I recognized that there are many areas in my business where I need support, so I’ve asked for it and received it. As I’ve accepted help, I’ve noticed how much I’ve expanded by handing off tasks to others. This also helps me serve the Asian American women I’m so passionate about supporting. The more help I receive, the more I can do the significant work I’m committed to in Nicole Tsong Coaching.
This experience also gives me the opportunity to model for all of you what surrendering and resting looks like, instead of working my way through maternity leave. That’s possible, and that’s not the choice I’m making. While I may pause my work, my business doesn’t have to pause. The work of supporting incredible, high-achieving Asian American women doesn’t have to stop. None of it has to pause because it can all continue with the support of amazing people.
I’m sharing all of this because I don’t let work define my identity. It does not encompass all of who I am. It is not the reason for my existence. It used to be that way – work was all that mattered. I felt successful only through my role in a newsroom, the newspaper I worked for, or how well-known I was as a yoga teacher. Success was deeply tied to my work.
Now, success feels different. Success means feeling strong in my body, having a happy marriage, feeling love from my friends and family, doing things that bring me joy, and being connected to the world. For me, those are the markers of success. Don’t get me wrong; I’m passionate about what I do, and my work is crucial to my joy and success. But it is not the sole definition of success for me.
That’s the big distinction I want you to notice. I encourage you to reflect on where you’ve allowed work to define your success. I would say it’s an exciting time in my business. We’re implementing many things that will continue to exist and allow us to serve even more Asian American women in the future. I can’t wait to see where we go from here.
Now, let’s come back to you because this is really about how to surrender and rest more in your life. When it comes to surrender, I usually start with my clients in the place where they’re gripping – holding on too tightly. I’m thinking about one of my clients who has been looking for a job to move closer to her boyfriend. During her time of gripping, it was really difficult, especially since the economy in her industry wasn’t great.
She was feeling overwhelmed, saying, “I don’t know how I’m going to get this job.” I told her, “Okay, we need to find a place of surrender.” It was hard for her to detach from the timeline, the location of the job, and all those pieces. She needed to be clear about what she wanted in a job but couldn’t be attached to how or when it would happen.
When she finally surrendered and told herself, “I’m going to work on this but not obsess over it,” that’s when she started getting interviews for jobs that felt perfect for her. Notice when you’re gripping tightly and attached. If you feel you need to work on attachment, go check out my episode on detachment. The power of detachment is a great starting point for learning about surrender.
Could you consider releasing your grip on something? If you notice that you have a lot of control and tightness around your job, take a lunch break, go for a 15-minute walk in the afternoon, or leave early to make it to a class at your local fitness studio. When we don’t give ourselves space to rest, and remain in that gripping energy, we start to feel like our life isn’t enough. We feel constrained and define our success based on what we’re gripping.
Instead, start releasing and recognize that there are other things that bring you joy and happiness. You could even take 10 minutes today to find quiet and rest your mind and body. Your mind is like a muscle; it’s not designed to operate 24/7. Just as your body needs rest at night, your brain also needs rest. The more you allow it some space, the more creativity, new ideas, and energy will flow. That’s how things begin to shift and change.
I’ve seen this happen countless times with women seeking promotions. Releasing the grip on promotion is actually one of the key ways to getting promoted. You might think, “Really, Nicole? That doesn’t make sense.” But it’s true. When you understand that your attachment to the promotion is one of its limitations and a reason you’re probably not getting it, that’s when things start to open up in your life in a completely different way.
Surrender and rest are essential. They allow you to step into your life differently and release the feeling that life isn’t enough or isn’t working out for you. They provide a pathway to see that life is for you because you’ve let go of needing it to be exactly as you imagined.
Surrender and rest have been key for me during maternity leave, and they will continue to be important as I navigate life with a new baby. I need to surrender to being at home with my baby and allow myself the time to heal from the birth while creating this family with my husband.
How can you start bringing these ideas of surrender and rest into your life? I would love to hear which practices resonate with you and which ones you can implement today. I like to keep practices short, simple, and sweet because we want to be doing them, not just thinking about them. Could you take a lunch break today? Could you take a 15-minute walk? Could you take 10 minutes of quiet? Once you do it, DM me on Instagram @NicoleTsong and let me know what you experienced, because it will make all the difference.
And if you are an Asian American corporate leader ready to reverse cultural conditioning so you can thrive in your dream career in 60 days, DM me “reverse” on Instagram @NicoleTsong. I’ve got something over there for you.
Alright, friends, thanks so much for being part of this episode! I can’t wait to see you next time. Thank you for tuning into today’s episode. Before you go, don’t forget, if you are a high-achieving woman who wants to uncover your biggest blind spots preventing fast, intuitive decisions, I have a 72-second assessment for you. Make sure to DM me “quiz” on Instagram @NicoleTsong.
Thank you for being here and for listening. We read every note we get from you about how the podcast is making a difference in your life. Please know how much we appreciate each and every one of you. Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is the School of Self-Worth.
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