One of the biggest myths about being visible at work and hitting your goals is you have to go for your goals at all costs.
That’s not how the top 1% do it.
The secret? Getting recognized isn’t about volume — it’s about strategy.
✅ The right decision, made at the right time.
✅ Intuitive insights that creates demand for your expertise
✅ A simple structure that allows you to flex and flow when unexpected changes come up.
What if you only needed to give up needing to know HOW you are going to reach your goal… and that changed everything?
That’s exactly what has happened for so many of my clients and what I talk about inside this episode.
This is the blueprint to be smarter, not work harder.
“The art of non-attachment is one of my very favorite things to talk about.”
“When we are attached to something, we are emotionally invested. We want things to go our way.”
“What happens when you close the door is life starts to get narrow. Life starts to feel prescribed.”
“When you detach, your dreams can get even bigger because you don’t care…you’re more open to something else happening.”
“The timing is so perfect for me and Michael, like, for so many different reasons.”
“Committed and detached to me, is the most powerful practice you can bring into your life to really understand what you’re about.”
“When we get attached to a certain outcome happening in a certain way, we become very no-focused, myopic, and narrow. We close the door to anything else happening outside of this one thing we’re dedicated to.”
“This is what happens when you detach—you open up the door. It’s either going to be this or something better.”
“Inside Your Clear Calling, we go after some really, really big dreams. And sometimes, ambitious people think that if you are detached, your dreams get small. In fact, the opposite happens.”
NICOLE
Hello, brilliant friends. Welcome back to the School of Self-Worth. I am your host, Nicole Tsong. Today, we’re going to dive into a hot, hot, hot topic with my clients—the art of non-attachment. It’s one of my very favorite things to talk about! So, we are going to dig in today. And if you are an Asian American woman who wants to come out of hiding so you can own your authentic voice, DM me “authentic” on Instagram at @NicoleTsong, and let’s connect. All right, let’s get to it. This amazing episode is going to be so much fun.
Welcome to the School of Self-Worth—a podcast for ambitious women who know they are worthy of an astoundingly great life. Join us weekly as we get on the right side of your intuition, redefine success, and reclaim your self-worth. I’m your host, Nicole Tsong, an award-winning journalist who left it all behind to become a best-selling author of three books and a work-life balance expert. I help ambitious women unlock their intuition and step into a life of fulfillment and radical joy. Every single week, I bring you diverse and meaningful conversations with successful women from all walks of life who share insights about what it takes to be brave, joyful, and authentic every day. Every episode is thoughtfully designed to leave you feeling empowered, with tangible tips and advice that will lead you to your next breakthrough.
Recently, one of my clients came to me with a particular problem. She was offered the opportunity to apply for a brand-new job in her company. She had been feeling a little ho-hum about her current job, and she thought, you know, let’s look into this. The more she researched it, the more invested she became. She was like, “Oh my gosh, this job is perfect. I really want this job.” She started to get a little attached.
So, we were talking about it, and she was telling me, “Nicole, I really want this job. What should I do to not get overexcited or overinvested?” Essentially, she didn’t use the word “attached,” but I knew that’s what she meant. And then my coach brain got really ramped up because I knew we’d get to have one of my favorite and most important conversations about detachment. So, I wanted to bring this here for you today.
First, let’s talk about non-attachment. Actually, I like the word “detachment” better. So, we’re going to really go down the road of detachment. When we’re attached to something, we are emotionally invested. We want things to go our way. We feel very particular about how it occurs. We’re like, “This is the way it’s going to happen. I’m going to get this job on this date, with this salary, at this time.”
The truth about life is that things don’t really work that way. But especially if you’re an Asian American woman, you might have learned that this is how life works because you grew up with Asian parents who might have had goals for you, like only getting A+ grades or doing the biggest activities so you could get into the dream college. Then, you’d have the exact right opportunities afterward—the right job, the right salary, then you get married, have kids, and do the whole thing. You learned that the way for this to happen was to work hard, study hard, play hard—you did all of these things. And ultimately, you started to accomplish those things. So, you reinforced a pattern in your brain where those things came true.
But what happens—and this is the side of attachment that most of us fail to see or don’t realize is happening—is that when we get attached to a certain outcome happening in a certain way, we become very no-focused, myopic, and narrow. We close the door to anything else happening outside of this one thing we’re dedicated to. And when we close that door, life starts to get narrow. It starts to feel prescribed, a little bit mundane sometimes, like everything is set up for you and there’s no escape.
So, if you’ve been feeling that way—like there’s no escape and you have to keep doing things in a certain way—this is a conversation for you. I’m going to give you another example of how detachment can really support you.
I had a client who joined my cohort, “Your Clear Calling.” She wanted a promotion so badly. She had been working for it for like a year, and her boss kept promising it to her, but she still wasn’t making any progress. So, in combination with joining “Your Clear Calling,” she also decided to take a 10-day vacation, which she hadn’t done in a really long time. She really committed to this practice of, “I’m going to take a course that will support me to feel powerful, to be seen, to stand in my authority. And I’m also going to take time away and not get so wrapped up in this promotion thing.”
What happened? Literally, as soon as she returned from the vacation, her boss put her up for the promotion.
Four months later, she’s interviewing for another job and then gets promoted to VP. So, she goes from manager to VP literally within five months of being in Your Clear Calling. This is what happens when you detach—you open up the door. It’s either going to be this or something better. Inside Your Clear Calling, we go after some really, really big dreams. And sometimes, ambitious people think that if you are detached, your dreams get small. In fact, the opposite happens.
When you detach, your dreams can get even bigger. It’s not that you don’t care—it’s that if it happens, you’re more open to something else happening. That’s when dreams can actually start to get exponentially big, huge, and exciting. Dreams of partnership, love, better relationships with your family, really big career goals—all of those things start to come true.
I have another example of my client, Sandy. As soon as she detached from her promotion (because she really wanted it), that’s when she got promoted. I could go on and on. There are so many examples inside Your Clear Calling of this happening for different women.
But I want to illustrate this with a personal example as well. Before I get into my personal example, I want to share with you the difference between attachment and commitment, because they are distinct. When you are clear on your commitment—what you’re up to, who you are, your purpose in the world—and you are committed to that, it will really help you get to your dream. However, commitment must be separate from attachment. Being committed doesn’t mean you’re attached to the how, when, or what—all those pieces at play. That’s where we don’t want to be attached. You can, however, be very committed to your vision.
If you’re thinking, “I’m not committed to a vision. I don’t know what my vision is. I feel like I don’t even have commitment to myself or the things I need in my life,” go to last week’s episode. I talked about commitment at length—why it’s so essential and so important for you to get to that next level in your life. If you need to discuss commitment, go to last week’s episode. For those who are thinking, “Okay, I’m pretty clear on commitment, but now I really want to look at this attachment thing,” stay here with me, because that’s what we’re going to keep talking about.
Now, for my personal example—I recently shared on social media that I’m pregnant. I’ve been following the dream of pregnancy for nearly a decade, and now I’m pregnant. So, what did I have to do over time? I had to constantly check my attachment—when was I going to get pregnant? What year was it going to be? How soon was I going to have this baby? How old am I? Am I too old to have this child? So many aspects of attachment could come into play when you’re on a pregnancy journey.
I’m sharing this with you because I want you to know I was deeply committed to having a child, but I had to detach from the how. Was I going to do it through fertility treatments? Would I use my own egg? Which partner would I do it with? I got divorced in the middle of this process—so who would parent this child with me? So many questions came into play, and I had to repeatedly detach.
I’ve been following the dream of pregnancy for a very long time. As you may have seen on social media, I’m now pregnant, and I’m thrilled. Michael and I are so excited for this baby to come into the world. But I’ve been pursuing this from a place of commitment, not attachment. I’m not saying I was perfect—I definitely got attached many times over the years to wanting things to be a certain way or happen within a specific timeframe.
For women in general, especially with pregnancy, there’s often attachment to age—how old you should be when you have your baby, and all these other societal expectations. But I had to constantly remember my commitment. Whenever something difficult happened, whether it was my pregnancy loss, my divorce, dating during COVID, or meeting the person who would want to not only marry me but also create a family with me—I had to repeatedly detach from timing and stay focused on my vision of having a baby and building a family.
This is one example of how your commitment has to be incredibly strong, but it’s not the same as being attached to when it happens. Now that we’re pregnant and the baby is healthy, I’m seeing how perfect the timing is for both me and Michael for so many reasons. It reminds me of advice I heard from a coach when I was dating: I was very attached to wanting to meet a partner as soon as possible.
Here’s the polished version of the last portion of the transcript, keeping the original voice and improving flow: —
And I remember hearing from a coach once that, “You might be ready, but the person you’re supposed to be with might not be ready.” That struck a chord with me. I thought, wow, it’s true—I don’t know if that person is ready or not. And I don’t want to meet them until they’re truly ready for me. When I finally did meet Michael, it was the exact right time for both of us. We were both finally ready to meet each other, and that’s often how I think about detachment and attachment, and why it’s so important.
I was very detached from the person and when they would show up—the timing of all that—but I was still deeply committed to meeting someone who wanted to build a family and create a life together. When I met Michael, it was so clear that we had to reach the perfect timing in our own lives to be together. That timing opened the door for us to start a family.
Are you picking up what I’m putting down? I know I’m talking across different timeframes in my life, but it’s important to understand why detachment is such a crucial part of this. Detachment opens new pathways—whether it’s for having a family, for your career coming to fruition the way you hope, or for opening your life in a completely new way. You don’t need to know the “how.” This is where my clients often struggle with attachment. They’re always asking me, “Nicole, how is this going to happen?” But the how is not our job.
When we are detached, we let go of the how. We simply follow the pathway that’s laid out for us. In Your Clear Calling, we go deep into this concept, working at length on detaching from those old patterns of attachment while staying committed. Committed and detached—it’s the most powerful practice you can bring into your life to truly understand who you are, what matters to you, where you’re going, and to stay unattached to how, when, or in what form it happens.
That’s not to say you don’t have goals—I’m always going to advocate for you to have the biggest, most amazing dreams and goals. But detachment is one of the main keys for those dreams to come true in profound ways.
I’d love to hear how this resonates with you. I have two questions for you to work on. Start here: If there’s something in your life where you feel very attached—like my client with the job she wanted—ask yourself first, *Why are you attached?* What is this dream going to give you that you don’t currently have? Second, *What are you afraid will happen if you don’t get it?*
Play with these two questions to help investigate deeper levels of what’s driving your attachment. DM me @NicoleTsong on Instagram and share what you discover. I’d love to hear where you are playing around with the attachment piece.
If this episode resonates with you, share it on Instagram and tag me @NicoleTsong. I’m so excited to hear how this landed for you. All right, friends, have the most beautiful day, and I’ll see you next week.
Thank you so much for tuning into today’s episode! Before you go, don’t forget: If you’re a high-achieving woman who wants to uncover the biggest blind spots preventing fast, intuitive decisions, I’ve got a 72-second assessment for you. DM me “quiz” on Instagram @NicoleTsong.
Thank you for being here and listening. We read every note we receive about how the podcast is making a difference in your life, and we deeply appreciate each and every one of you.
Until next time, I’m Nicole Tsong, and this is The School of Self-Worth.
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