Overnight, Ebony Isis Booth became the guardian for her niece and nephew, giving up her artistic, free-spirited lifestyle.
It forced her to look within to break inherited cycles, and required her to go through a deep evolution from constant achieving to forgiveness and softness.
Tune in to this magical conversation to hear more about what it means for Ebony to be in her Soft Girl Era–filled with courage, compassion, allowance, and self-acceptance.
If your inner-critic has been especially loud and vocal recently, this episode is for you.
Ebony Isis Booth is a visionary, guide, caregiver, healer and storyteller dedicated to liberation, healing, equity, justice and joy. Ebony coaches cycle breaking baddies in new and emerging leadership positions to tap into the magic inside and thrive. She charts constellations of dope humans, curates cultural engagements, carries light in dark places, and loves her people because Black Girl Magic is praxis.
Trading your armor for better boundaries:
“Now, I notice that the armor that I built over the years in face of systems, employers, partners, friend groups, and a world that was designed to erase and obfuscate me, separate me from myself and my divinity. Those challenges were the armor that I developed while I was overcoming them and winning the wars. It’s not necessary anymore. I’ve reached this place where I have better boundaries around my energy.”
Surviving hell and learning from it:
[My first executive leadership coach] asked me, ‘What was it like? How did you create this life for yourself with all of these accomplishments and this resume?’ I was still a little bitter and said, ‘I mean, it was hell. I went through hell.’ And she said, ‘And what did you learn in hell?” And I was like, “Oh, I guess I learned some stuff. I do know some things. I did survive. I am okay.”
The pressure of excellence:
“The pressure that I put on myself in striving for excellence was keeping me from being able to have compassion for myself when it came time to make mistakes and take risks and do a thing I’d never done before and say, ‘I have no idea what I’m doing. But here I am, and I’m going to show up with the odds in my favor because I haven’t spun off the planet yet.’”
The importance of self-care, especially as a caretaker:
“I don’t know that we have to go so hard that we sacrifice our bodies and our health and our wellness to some imaginary or arbitrary timeline or end date when we can really start to live in gentler ways and literally renurture ourselves like we’re infants first. Those are things that are free. They are not at any risk or detriment to how much you love your children or your husbands or partners or your work. It’s really just more love. More love for yourself first, though.”
On self-worth and self-accceptance:
“I’m enough. There’s no other version of me. I can’t fail at being myself. That’s just not possible, and so to go back to this idea of acceptance and allowance, really shifting my belief around my enough-ness. In that ‘enough’ is an unfathomable amount of abundance, joy, love, humor, and freedom. Just a full expression of myself as a human being. So the experience of seeing myself as worthy is also important to me because I’m reclaiming my humanity from a world that is inherently dehumanizing, the way we are set up and structured.”
A new way to look at procrastination:
“Procrastination was a thing that I used to use as a term to identify. It went hand in hand with perfectionism. Perfectionism and procrastination – I have ejected that from my lexicon. I’m not procrastinating. I’m waiting to be inspired. I’m waiting for the inspiration and the invitation from spirit and the universe to create the thing that is being called out of me. I can’t rush that thing. It’s helped me in setting expectations and also helped me to know what to say yes to, and when to use my no.”
When suggesting self-care can feel like criticism:
“If you are in chaos or in an unsafe environment, if you are actively in trauma or in survival mode, someone suggesting self-care can often feel like a criticism or yet another way that you are failing at something, so I offer something as simple and as frank as unclenching your butt cheeks. You know that it is yours. Your body is yours. Your agency of your breath is yours. If you can just begin to trust yourself and bring your mind and body into alignment, just consider all the things that become possible from there.”
NICOLE
Hello, friends, and welcome back to another episode of School of Self-Worth. I had the incredible opportunity to sit down with Ebony Isis Booth, a life alchemy coach and cultural strategist. In this remarkable conversation, Ebony shares about how she shifted from constant achievement to a softer place in her life. Like so many, her journey to self-worth started with a desire to be seen, heard, and loved. If you’re a high-achieving woman of color looking to uplevel your connection to who you are and to know on a deep level that you are living in your purpose, this conversation is for you.
Hello everyone, I am so excited to welcome Ebony Isis Booth to the show. Welcome to the School of Self-Worth. I am so excited to have you here. I had to silence myself before we even started recording!
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
Thank you so much for having me, I’m very excited to be here.
NICOLE
Ebony, you have so many interesting things in your background. You’re an artist, a coach, a cultural strategist, a former television host, a poet, a writer, and a 2006 national poetry slam champion. I’m always fascinated by people who have such diverse and creative projects and experiences. And I wonder how that relates to your self-worth.
How did you grow into this place where you could pursue and achieve so many of the things that you’ve done in your life? I know this is a very broad question, and for many people, it goes back to their early experiences and influences. But I’m curious if you could share with us how your journey of self-worth began and how it evolved over time. And then we can talk more about how it looks for you today.
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
It’s a timely and beautiful question. I just finished talking to my therapist about this ten minutes ago. I believe that my journey to self-worth has been a part of everything that I’ve done. It has been a search for myself, a desire to be seen, heard, and loved. I think about what I have in me, what I sound like Mama Rose, what I’ve got in me. All the things that are innate in me and my personality, the opportunities that presented themselves, the invitations to show up in spaces, they seemed like invitations to find value, visibility, community, love, and partnership. I wasn’t aware of that while I was experiencing them. This is hindsight. But at the time, it was wrapped up in insecurity, resilience, frustration, a fight, youthful angst, and vigor to say “I’m here. You’re going to see me. I’m going to make it happen.”
Now, I notice that the armor that I built over the years in face of systems, employers, partners, friend groups, and a world that was designed to erase and obfuscate me, separate me from myself and my divinity, those challenges were the armor that I developed while I was overcoming them and winning the wars. It’s not necessary anymore. I’ve reached this place where I have better boundaries around my energy. My motivation is different. It has a different texture, tone, and sheen in the way that I work. But back in the day 17-, 18-, 19-year-old me was a force to be reckoned with. I was the ice queen, queen of swords. Fire and ice and piss and vinegar and a lot of frustration, if not rage. But learning how to master that and learning how to see myself as inherently worthy, has been one of the most rewarding experiences. I’m glad I made it this far to witness it.
NICOLE
That’s beautiful. How did you start that journey of recognizing that what you were craving was to be seen, heard, and loved? I think that’s a universal human experience. We all want that. But you said you didn’t know that until now. How did it come out for you at that time, when you were trying to figure out who you were? It must have come out in different ways. I’m curious about that.
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
In 2017, I reached a turning point in my life. I had taken on more challenges than I could handle in my quest to prove myself. I had survived many ordeals that I thought would be fatal, but I realized that my lifestyle was not sustainable. I was overwhelmed by the pace, the tenor, the feeling, the energy, the exhaustion, and the financial stress of my situation. This coincided with a period of five years when I was the kinship guardian of my niece and nephew. They came to live with me in a state of emergency when they were 16 years old. I had to transition from an artistic, free-spirited lifestyle to a responsible auntie-mom role. The pressures of survival were not only about me but also about the quality of life and the healing of these children. They needed to overcome their trauma and not grow up bitter because of the hand that they were dealt at that time.
This experience really forced me to go inward and do my work. I realized that it wasn’t sustainable, and it wasn’t good for them. I was recreating cycles and behaviors that were patterned to me by people who raised me, who were also in survival mode. So, that was really my call to change. I remember my first executive leadership coach that I got through a fellowship, which had never occurred to me that was even possible. I was very skeptical going into that first session, and she was so compassionate and gave me the visibility that I had been seeking. When she saw me, she said, “Wow,” and she looked at my resume and all the things that I had accomplished. And I was just sitting there like a dishrag, tired from life. I barely got it together to make the plane to get to the convening for this fellowship. And she asked me, “What was it like? How did you create this life for yourself with all of these accomplishments and this resume?” And I was still a little bitter and said, “I mean, it was hell. I went through hell.” And she said, “And what did you learn in hell?” And I was like, “Oh, I guess I learned some stuff. I do know some things. I did survive. I am okay.”
This experience marked the beginning of a new stage of healing for me. It was a stage that involved intention, curiosity, courage, compassion, self-forgiveness, and acceptance. I learned to see my mistakes not as failures, but as lessons and opportunities to choose again. It has been a bumpy journey, sometimes with a steep incline, but I have been moving up, nonetheless, ever since.
NICOLE
I think it’s great that she asked you that question because that’s what I always try to do. No matter how hard or challenging life can be, or how many failures or problems I face, or even having to raise two children who landed in my lap, there is always something to learn from it. And when I don’t reflect on that, that’s when I get hard on myself. Or at least, that’s what happens to me. I can be really harsh on myself if I don’t see the lesson in the situation. That’s the gold that I need to mine, and that’s how I can move on to the next stage. Otherwise, I might just think, “Oh man, you really messed that one up. You’re just…” and then the negativity comes in. I’m curious if that’s one of the things that has helped you since then.
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
I mean, I want to say that it has been a help, but in some ways, it hindered me because of how I was socialized towards excellence. I misread excellence as a call for perfection or righteousness and being right all the time. Another thing that I learned at that early stage was the decision to pivot away from feeling like I needed to be perfect and allowing myself to be excellent.
So, I think the pressure that I put on myself in striving for excellence was keeping me from being able to have compassion for myself when it came time to make mistakes and take risks and do things I had never done before. And say, “I have no idea what I’m doing, but here I am and I’m going to show up with the odds in my favor because I haven’t spun off the planet yet. So I’m doing all right.” You know, so again, that feeling to choose again. Excellence is something that I embrace now in a more loving way. But I think for me, I used excellence as something that I got mad at. I got tired of having to be excellent all the time. Like, can I just show up regular? You know, at the end of the day, I’m just a black girl named Ebony from Scotch Plains, New Jersey. Very not unexceptional in the way of the expectations that we put on women or by all these things. So, I’ve had this kind of nontraditional journey towards womanhood that I would have liked to maybe ease into as opposed to being driven towards. You know, I don’t know. I’m also in my soft girl era. So, I’m about that soft life and I’m like, “It doesn’t matter if it’s not excellent. Is it done though? Is it done?” That’s the question, right? Absolutely.
NICOLE
That’s a great one. Is it done? Done is better than perfect. So, tell me a little about how you feel now, after going through all of these experiences and challenges. You have a lot of history of doing so much. What does self-worth look like for you these days, in the soft girl era? How does it feel? How do you value yourself?
I’m curious, and please correct me if I’m wrong, but sometimes, as a fellow high achiever, I feel that a lot of my self-worth comes from my resume and my accomplishments. They give me a sense of validation and purpose in the world. But then I have to remind myself that I am worthy and accomplished regardless of what I do or achieve. There are things that I’m here to do and things that I want to do in the world, but they don’t define me. I’m curious about you, in your era. What does it look like? What does self-worth look like? What does it feel like and how does it show up for you?
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
I really appreciate that question. I think the first thing that comes to mind is: I’m enough. I’m enough. There’s no other version of me. I can’t fail at being myself. That’s just not possible. And so, to go back to this idea of acceptance and allowance, I really shifted my belief around my enoughness. And in that enoughness is an unfathomable amount of abundance and joy and love and humor and freedom and just a full expression of myself as a human being.
The experience of seeing myself as worthy is also important to me because I am reclaiming my humanity from a world that is inherently dehumanizing the way that we are set up and structured. And so, this idea that there is something else for me to achieve in order for me to get a certain salary, or to take certain trips, or to afford a certain handbag, or all of those things, are these tools that Audre Lorde calls the master’s tools. And the master’s tools will not dismantle his house, she teaches us, right? So, instead of me assigning worth to commodities or capitalism or trinkets and things, I really get into being in my body because that is my most valuable thing: my physical, my flesh, my spiritual body. And so, the wisdom of protection and maintenance and listening to my body is really how soft life is manifesting itself.
And that looks like rest. It looks like drinking water. It looks like talking sweetly to myself. It looks like having impeccable boundaries around my energy. It really gives me the opportunity to be the thermostat and not the thermometer, as Dr. Nikki Elliott, who wrote *I Feel Your Pain*, teaches us, right? So, I get to focus on setting my temperature and my thermostat to be radiant energy, as opposed to an object that absorbs whatever the environment is offering.
So, because everybody in the room is boiling hot doesn’t mean that my whole mood has to shift, and now I’m uncomfortable. I get to set that thermostat because I am so in tune and aware of the fact that I’m a human being, flesh, and blood, who’s sitting here. A whole miracle and surrounded by everyone else who I also identify as miracles. And I’m mostly in awe of the fact that all of us miracles have been led to be in community and space together at this moment in time. So, that keeps me real easeful. And there’s really nothing else to achieve at that point. I just get to experience it, you know.
NICOLE
That Thermostat metaphor is resonant because I’ve heard it in the context of relationship. Like are you the thermostat of the relationship and who is setting the right, who’s guiding and setting the tone all the time and I love how you’re saying it’s like “oh” in every context. Am I setting my own thermostat for how I want to be, how I want to feel, and then everyone else is doing their own thing as well.
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
Yeah, I mean, sometimes it gets a little hot in here and I’m like, “Okay, I’m hot. Why am I hot?” You know what I mean? To get curious about the inner machinations of my being is a privilege that was hard-won. I fought to get here. And now that I am, it’s like, “How can I protect my peace?” When they say “protecting my peace”, this is what it means to me. This is what it looks like: to really be aware of where peace lives within me from an embodied experience and perspective. And not one that I need to go on a retreat to find. Those ways are helpful access points, but it’s always with me. Because as long as there’s breath in my body, then it’s accessible to me.
NICOLE
Yeah, that’s so lovely. Well, what is your actual, literal practice of self-worth? You know, we had spoken a little bit about how self-care is a big topic for you right now. How do you actually embody that daily? Because it can be challenging, you know. Especially for a lot of the women listening, who are smart, capable, and doing a lot in the world. Many of them are juggling families and work. So, what does that look like for you?
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
I think the first thing that comes to heart is: I feel my feelings. I honor my feelings. And I had to learn how to do that because I grew up ignoring or having my feelings be diminished. Like, “Oh, you’re too emotional. You’re too sensitive. You’re too bossy. You’re too…” You know what I mean? And it’s like, am I? Or am I seeking agency because I’m worthy of that, right? Or because I have expertise or experience in these ways? So, as I honor my emotions, that helps me to understand what I need. And my needs change. And sometimes my needs are being met and sometimes there are some things that I need that are unmet. And when those needs are unmet, I get to determine, through discernment, what’s the impact or ramification of an unmet need in Ebony today, right? So, do I really need a nap? Do I need to drink some water? Do I need a hug? I’m managing that for myself so that now I can express and articulate those needs in a very direct way, as opposed to being subversive to my own needs and betraying my higher self and my knowing of what I want. And now I’m out here siphoning off of places where I think I see an opportunity to meet a need. You know, that’s an energy drain. Now, I’m in it where instead of asking for a hug, I am lumbering about the space with my lip poked out. I’m pouting. I’m quiet and sullen and withdrawn. That’s not me anymore, right? So, my biggest practice is to feel my feelings and to do that unapologetically, even the uncomfortable ones. To allow them to pass. To understand that I might feel multiple feelings at the same time. Things that could be disorienting or hard. But what it’s doing is allowing me to build trust with myself and it’s allowing my body to be in alignment with my mind. So this mind-body alignment allows me to harness and channel energy to get me through the things that I desire. I get to a place of creation and manifestation.
Another practice is: I practice magic, or what I call life alchemy, right? I’m a life alchemy coach. Which is to say that magic is making apparent something that would otherwise be invisible. Sometimes we call it manifestation or something else, but essentially we are magic inherently and we have access to these elements that were given to us when we arrived here. And so, what will we do to focus our intentions? That means that if you do everything with intention, every surface is an altar. And what will you create? What is sacred in that space? How will you hold that space? How can I use the power of my thoughts for positive and loving energy as opposed to anxious worry energy or something else? Literally carving out new neural pathways for ideas to flourish. And it’s so wild to even hear these words coming out of my mouth because as I’m living, I’m creating it, right? And sometimes it comes to me and I’m like, “Man, where did that even come from?” Because three years ago, seven years ago…I mean…you know…you would have told me today: “You’re crazy lady.” But it is possible. Healing is possible. Magic is very real and love is the answer.
All of this has been a journey back to loving myself radically and unapologetically. And so when I need it, I got it. When I need to sleep, I sleep. Really meeting my basic human needs is the only path to self-actualization. So we want to skip ahead and get to six-figure salaries and degrees and all that stuff and we want to bypass food, shelter, sleep, love, connection…and you just can’t do it without having an encompassing grasp on these basic human needs that we are all inherently worthy of. We come here worthy of them. But somehow, we tell ourselves that we’re too much. We’re too needy. Nobody has time for that. Nobody’s going to help us. We don’t have time for help; we’ll just do it ourselves…and then we burn out.
NICOLE
Well, what you’re saying first about the basic human needs is so important. Because I think sometimes it’s very easy to be like, “Well, I don’t need those needs. I need all the other things. But I don’t need sleep or I don’t need rest.” Not necessarily sleep, but downtime or taking care of myself in some other way or drinking water.
So, I love how you’re framing it because I think sometimes it’s so easy to forget that. Because I also work with women on this. I’m like, “Let’s make sure every day you’re putting yourself first in some way.” And many of them can’t even identify any moment during the day where that’s really occurring, right? Because they’re just from the second they wake up, they’re gunning it all the way to the moment they go to bed. And I’m like, “Does that actually work for you?” And it doesn’t. And yet they’re still doing it. So, I love what you’re saying too. It’s like when we’re not even meeting basic needs, how can we expect our life to be different? How can we expect ourselves to be able to create and have a life that feels really joyful, without that foundation?
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
I have so much compassion for my experience as a kinship guardian or auntie mom for those five years. It taught me a lot about gunning it. You know what I mean? Fueling myself on caffeine, running on caffeine, and whatever I could find in the kitchen. Broccoli florets and mac and cheese out of the pot when it’s cold… And I didn’t get the hormones and all the dopamine hits of infancy and childbirth that allow us to have that nurturing gene where we do give up ourselves for the sake of these children that we are here to steward. So, I don’t mean to ever chastise anyone for the way that they are in relationship to self and self-care, right? Because we’re all going to come at it our own way. But I do know that I was able to notice that when I was not taking care of myself, I wasn’t actually doing a good job taking care of the kids either. They got to school, but I don’t know what my mood was like. I’m pretty sure I was vibrating at an energetic frequency that was not emitting love and harmony. Because I was tired and exhausted and stressed out and trying to protect them.
And sometimes when we’re our protectors and our managers are working overtime, those most tender parts of ourselves that need the most – that have the basic needs – they tend to be shy or afraid or incapable of coming out to pronounce that need or having that confidence that the need will be met if they express it. And a lot of that comes from just how we’re raised, how we’re socialized. So, I have a ton of compassion for the challenge that is faced by those of us who are high achievers. But I’m just at this place now where I am questioning the sustainability and really wondering who benefits from us burning out. And to what end? And because it takes such a long time to unlearn, I think that when we set these smart goals of a time-measurable goal of when we’re going to do it right – when are we going to retire, when are we going to slow down – and it’s like in six years I’m going to stop. And it’s like, that’s not how life works, my love. It doesn’t work like that. You know? It doesn’t just stop. And sometimes if it does just stop, it has a tendency to sit us down with illness or some other uncontrollable situation or some trauma where you don’t have a choice at that point. And I don’t know that we have to go so hard that we sacrifice our bodies and our health and our wellness to some imaginary or arbitrary timeline or end date. When we can really start to live in gentler ways and literally re-nurture ourselves like we’re infants first. You know? And those are things that are free. They are not at any risk or detriment to how much you love your children or your husbands or partners or your work. It’s really just more love – more love for yourself first though.
NICOLE
Yeah, absolutely. Well, you know, I went through a separation and divorce, and I had kids previously too. So I relate to what you’re saying about how I went into that whole relationship really intentional and taking care of myself. But by the time I was separated and living alone again, I realized how much I had given away. I had stopped really tuning into myself and it was even hard to ask myself what my preference was. Because I was always asking everybody else their preferences first and then doing what they wanted. Because it was like the majority of the family wanted that and what I wanted didn’t really feel like it had a place. And that was from me, not from them.
So then I’ve had to come into these later years of saying, “Oh, well, I get to actually check myself first before asking what other people want.” So that we can come to it together, versus me just saying, “Oh no, no, no, you choose. It’s your way. How you want it.” And feeling that deference. Because I think that’s a lot of what’s driving it too. And like you said, it’s like what system ultimately benefits from that? From us being in that burned-out cycle of what everyone else needs, right? Us giving that away over and over again. Who does that serve ultimately?
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
I work with women and gender-expansive folks, and some men as well, in my coaching containers. One of the things that I help them with is to question their self-care habits. These habits are influenced by the systems that affect us all, no matter how we show up or express ourselves in society.
Some of the questions that I ask them are: Who benefits from your self-care? Where did you learn this habit? How long has this tendency or idea been with you, and how has it turned into a belief? Where was it modeled for you? How do you feel when you see that person or part of yourself? What is motivating you to care for others more than yourself?
The thing about self-care is that if you care for everyone else more than you care for yourself, no matter who you are, it is a breeding ground for resentment. Ultimately, you will end up in a place of resentment. And resentment is a tricky space, because if you are driven and compelled to make other people comfortable, then you also end up swallowing your resentment. You don’t want them to know that you resent them, because you love them, and you have to take care of them. But that becomes another layer of shame and guilt that you eat, which are really low vibrational frequencies in your consciousness. They can limit you from being able to have those higher good vibes that we talk about wanting to have.
Taking care of yourself and prioritizing your needs is actually a way to model for other people how to love you better. The folks who love you might be surprised by your new boundaries at first, but they will also notice your glow. They will notice your ease, your happiness, the softness in your voice. That will create an energy where you are modeling this love frequency, and it becomes an invitation for community. It becomes an invitation to be in relation with others.
Choosing yourself first is not selfish. It is a requirement. And you can still have all the dreams and needs that you want and need. You just have to start with you. It’s the I and I, you know.
NICOLE
One of the things I love is that self-care and attention to yourself expands your capacity. Things that once felt hard aren’t so hard anymore, and you can do more. This is different from the perfectionist excellence thing you talked about earlier. It also lets you support others and give to the world in the ways that you really want to, not what the world expects of you.
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
Yes, I hear you leaning into abundance, right? I was at a conference a few days ago and Dr. Brittany Cooper was talking about the trick of abundance. You can’t get to abundance if you don’t have options. And so the power and agency that is required to see yourself as having options, gives us this way that now we can open up to giving more freely and living in an abundance lifestyle. When we’re not in that limited container and we’re trying to “pour from an empty cup”… You don’t really have any options. You don’t really feel empowered to vibrate higher and give freely. And you are sick of these people and everyone else around you. And that’s OK too. And it’s also OK to desire to have the power and the energy to get to that place.
So there are steps and many different pathways of how you can come into your self-actualization. I think the first step is really awareness of where you are and an assessment of what is true about your current status. A fearless inventory of self and witnessing self, without judgment, but with great compassion. And in celebration of the fact that every day something has tried to kill you and has failed. So if that is just the seed of power that you need, then let it be that.
NICOLE
I haven’t heard it put that way before and I’m just letting it settle into my brain. But it is true, right? Something tries to kill us every day and like you’re still here.
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
Lucille Clifton wrote a poem she called ‘Celebration’ and she says, ‘Oh won’t you celebrate with me. Every day something has tried to kill me and has failed.’. And that’s the closing stanza of the poem. But it’s a beautiful poem. Like, ‘We made it y’all, we got today right!’ Yeah.
NICOLE
But wherever you are listening to this, whenever you listen to it, it’s like, ‘Oh well, you made it to today’.
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
Yeah, you made it. And not every day has to end like an Avengers movie, friend. Like my best friend told me this. She says not every day has to end like an Avengers movie. And sometimes I get worked up. I still can slip out of my soft life and be a go-getter and write some really aggressive to-do lists or to-be lists. But slowly and surely, it all comes together in the end. I just keep living, you know.
NICOLE
Yeah, I understand what you’re saying. It’s not like perfectionists never have to deal with this issue. I can slip back into being a perfectionist myself sometimes. To me, it’s always about how fast you can rebound. If you can bounce back quickly, that’s good. But if you take a long time and keep beating yourself up, that’s not helpful. That’s all we’re trying to do. We’re just trying to shorten that time so you can be yourself totally.
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
Yeah, you’re human. We’re fallible, messy, stinky, fleshy… You know… Aliens made of stardust. We’re tethered to a rock by an invisible force that is constantly spinning inside a solar system which is inside a universe that is ever-expanding and 93% of that is dark matter. When you think about it, who cares if you folded the laundry? How important is that really in the larger scheme of things? And how blessed are we that we get to maybe not fold laundry so we can sit outside and enjoy a glass of wine? If it’s just that… And so the question becomes… With the procrastination… Or I see that jumped out of my spirit… Procrastination was a thing that I used to use as a term to identify. It went hand in hand with perfectionism. Perfectionism and procrastination. And I have ejected that from my lexicon. Or I’m working to do that. Where I’m not procrastinating. I’m waiting to be inspired. I’m waiting for the inspiration and the invitation from spirit and the universe to create the thing that is being called out of me. I can’t rush that thing. And I know because that’s how I function. It’s helped me in setting expectations and also helped me to know what to say yes to, and when to use my no. Where before I accept a thing, I want to build in a runway, so that I know that I have plenty of distance for me to charge up all the crystals, and the time and the space, and take all the naps and do all the things and get all the rest to get the thing done. And then I’m not in that mode where I’m beating myself up for taking longer to do a thing, or for not having it done perfectly.
But again, to my earlier question, did it get done though? And sometimes the answer is no, it didn’t. It’s not done. And that’s OK too. But yeah, the perfectionism rebound time… I’m leaning into surrender and being like oops, thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for giving me grace. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for asking again. Thank you for reminding me. Not… I’m sorry. Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I’m such a hot mess. I can’t. Oh my God, I just… Like, I don’t talk about myself like that anymore. Like, don’t talk about us like that. We’re not a hot mess. You’re not a hot mess. You just forgot a thing. You know?
NICOLE
I love the language change. It is huge. And then I notice when I resist things. Like, I was reading a book on Sunday at 3, and there was a part of me that was always like, “Well, that’s unproductive. Isn’t there a house thing you need to do or whatever?” And I was like, “No. You just need to read your book because you want to read your book. So sit down and read your book, right?”
But I noticed that conditioning. I noticed the conditioning sounded kind of like, “I don’t really have anything to do. I’m going to read my book.” Then I was like, “I don’t have anything to do? Is that possible?” And then I came up with all the things I could possibly do.
I was like, “Well, I could do some Goodreads, or I could just read my book because I’ll be a better human after an hour on the couch with my book.” So I did it. But it felt… Oh, it felt great. And it’s funny because I noticed it in me, that resistance of like, “Are you sure?” And I was like, “Yeah, I’m sure. This is the good choice.”
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
Yeah, I love that inner dialogue. That version of myself that judges, criticizes, and criticizes. The perfectionist part. The “I’ll do it all myself” part. Whoa, that lady is a tough cookie. And so sometimes I call her the Gremlin. You know, she gets on my shoulder and starts “should”-ing me to death. What I should be doing, what I should have done, what I should say, what it should look like… So learning to respect my inner authority and my higher self-knowing. To say, “Thank you for your input. And no thank you.” Right? Like, “Thank you for letting me know. But this is what we’ve chosen to do with our time today.” Like, “Oh, I hear you, girl. You are a mess. You go sit down somewhere. This break is for all of us.” Maybe you wouldn’t be so critical if you took a nap right now, so we’re all going to go lay down. Yeah, this is for all of our benefit. We all need to go sit in the sun. That’s what we’re going to do. Everybody come with me.
NICOLE
I love that you are like, “I’m going to give you what you need. I’m going to go do it.” Awesome. I love that we’re all going!
Well, what would you give for someone who’s starting on this journey and really looking to bring it in? Whether it’s self-care or dealing with that inner dialogue. What would you recommend or give as a tip for them? What is one thing they could start to work on for themselves?
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
I’m just going to say it. I’m not going to qualify it. Unclench your butt cheeks. And here’s what I mean. I mean that in a very literal way. We don’t realize how tight we are in our root from holding ourselves. And there could be trauma there. There could be stress. There could be manifesting. We might be accommodating for some pain or discomfort. But the awareness to notice if and when you are clenching your glutes, and your root is tight, your sacral is sucked up. It’s like you’re constantly holding yourself in a kegel. You know what I mean? And a great place to access relaxation and rest and calm is to notice that and invite release into that space. To literally soften your pelvic floor and to unclench those big muscles in our glutes and hamstrings and quads. And to let that soften and breathe.
Sometimes you know, as folks say, “You should take four deep box breaths.” You can take box breaths while your booty cheeks are clenched and it’s still not relaxing you. And people are like, “It’s not working. I’m trying to meditate and it’s not working.” Because you’re uptight, literally. That’s literally where you hold the uptightness. When you do that, it’s something that you can do in private. No one has to know that you are doing it. It can be an internal body scan that just starts by unclenching your butt cheeks and allowing your pelvic floor to soften into whatever seat is holding you.
From there, you have access to deeper breath. And when you draw your breath up, you can notice if your shoulders are still up too high. Because if your shoulders are up high, chances are you’re still clenched, right? But when you soften in that place, you create a space of ease. Your breath will allow your mind to calm. You’ll get some good clearing breaths over the vagus nerve, that’ll allow your mind to calm and get clear enough after a few rounds of just soft breathing, unclenched. And then you just think about what you want to do now. Not next. But now. Just start there and see what comes up when you are not tight and held and clenched, and in a ‘physical fist’.
NICOLE
Well, I just did it, because you can just do it at any time, and it was great. I could feel it relaxing, so you all can do it at any time. You’re definitely the first guest who’s ever told us to do that. So I love it.
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
It’s so bizarre that that’s my tip. But I think I’m going to put it on a t-shirt. It really is just an easy thing that you can do to access all the stuff that starts to sound like mumbo jumbo. When folks say, “What are you doing for self-care?” If you are in chaos or in an unsafe environment, if you are actively in trauma or in survival mode, someone suggesting self-care can often feel like a criticism or yet another way that you are failing at something, so I offer something as simple and as frank as unclenching your butt cheeks. You know that it is yours. Your body is yours. Your agency of your breath is yours. And if you can just begin to trust yourself and bring your mind and body into alignment, just consider all the things that become possible from there.
NICOLE
So lovely. What a beautiful tip and really the deeper level of what’s going on there. Well, Ebony, this has been such a lovely conversation and I’m so grateful that you’ve been here with us for this.
Are you ready for some rapid-fire questions?
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
I hope I’m good at rapid fire because sometimes I feel long-winded. So I’m just going to say ‘Yes’.
NICOLE
Okay, perfect. Well, mine are easy. What was the last thing that you watched on television?
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
Okay, Human Resources on Netflix, their new episodes. It is hilarious and really brilliant – about parts and feelings, and you should watch it.
NICOLE
Okay, I get really good tips from the show about what to watch, because people tell me it’s awesome.
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
It’s a vulgar comedy, but it’s hilarious and very real.
NICOLE
Awesome. Love it. We all need commies I feel, like at night. That’s what I need the most, to laugh, nothing intense. Perfect. Okay, and then what’s on your nightstand?
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
A small altar, a photograph of my grandmother, some petrified wood, water candle, and a wooden dish to hold my floss and cell phone.
NICOLE
Awesome, beautiful, and then when was the last time you tried something new, and what was it?
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
Oh, that’s a good question and it’s kind of stressing me out. I’m a little bit embarrassed that I can’t think of the last time I tried something new. But I do have a wooble, which is a little crochet animal thing, that is sitting right here under my desk. And I’ve been saying I’m going to sit and teach myself to crochet with this, but I just haven’t actually done it yet. So that’s the closest I’m getting to something new. I get the prompt to do my wooble, so that I can say I did a new thing.
NICOLE
Well, now you get the prompt to do it here. There’s no stress and no pressure on these questions. This last one is very easy. What are the top 3 most used emojis on your phone?
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
Lately, it has been the three sparkle stars, like the magic sparkle. That one is pretty intense. And it’s been the new one that came with the download, that looks kind of like… I call it my glitch because it’s like the “woe” face but it’s kind of blurry, like “oh”. Yeah, that face has been good. And then the pink hearts, the two, the big heart with the little heart above it. I really like that one. It’s sweet. Yeah.
NICOLE
That is sweet. Well Ebony, what a joy really to have you. I love the conversation we’ve had. It’s been so rich, and I know that our listeners are super grateful for it. So where is the best way for people to reach you or find out more?
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
My name is Ebony Isis Booth and my website is ebonyisisbooth.com. You can find me on all socials as @coachebonyisis. I don’t really rock with Facebook much, but you can catch me on Instagram. You can go to my website and learn more about me and see if it’s a vibe, and I’d love to talk. Yeah.
NICOLE
Amazing. Well, thank you so much for being on School of Self-Worth. I know that I’ve benefited from this conversation, and I know for sure the same for our listeners. So thank you so much.
EBONY ISIS BOOTH
Thank you for having me, Nicole. It’s really been a beautiful experience and great to have these moments of reflection with you and your audience.
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